Other SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse) abuse?

[ChildofGod]

(Satanic ritual abuse) Can anyone else help me with this? I know it happened to me. I've been physically ill almost, overwhelmed by this information.
I hate it, but I have to address it and get therapy for it.

Ingrained into me:
You're worthless
You don't matter
I deserved it.

I know that the following above is not true. I can handle most of what happened to me, except this. It's foreign and super ugly and uncomfortable.

Thanks for reading this.

 

[Sideways]

My abuse wasn’t satanic, but it was a very warped, sick version of a maniac’s self-serving interpretation of the bible. So, I’m gonna put it out there that that’s slightly different for me.

But the rest? Yup. Rituals, extensive rituals that served a blend of purposes, including hypnotising and programming me for compliance, forms of ritualised pain and humiliation, and of course all the males had to have sex with me in various painful and humiliating ways.

I know that for you, there must be the added element of it all being about satanic worship - I’m sure that’s a pretty big part, and it’s missing from my experience. I was a ‘Whore of God’ and it was all meant to be incredibly righteous and positive in my case.

The sheer volume of bullshit involved? Is probably similar. The scope of the types of abuse? Probably very similar. The extensive mechanisms used to obtain compliance and justify the whole thing? Probably similar. And the lengths they would go to to literally just cause me humiliation and pain? That’s there.

Despite apparently having been born with this godly purpose of needing to submit to sex with any man that wanted it (which I was indoctrinated with), I came away with exactly those same core beliefs.

And an absolute overwhelming degree of shame and self-loathing.

So, slightly different. But in a lot of respects? Very similar. Different deity, same purpose.

Coming to accept it? Comes in hits and starts. A lot of time I’m just numb to it, which helps me survive. Other times I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it - that this stuff not only happens for real, but it happened to me.

The thing that we have to accept? Is incredibly hard.

But I’m a strong believer that the rest of our recovery path? Follows much the same process as other survivors of CSA. And even the elements of acceptance and shame are similar.

Do you know what it is that would be helpful support right now? Other than knowing you aren’t alone?

I know there are others here that have experienced SRA and give it a little time and I’m sure some of them will join the conversation, if only to let you know that you aren’t standing alone, that you do have value, and you will heal and one day thrive despite it all.

 

[ChildofGod]

Thank you very much. You are so very brave. I am sorry that you went through this too. This is hard to digest. I know that I'm not the only one, but it sure is awful and very negative to think about.

I've read stories similar to mine. It gives me hope that they worked through it. Not only did they survive, but are now thriving.

I know lots of good sites about this to read.

They used the same scare tactics on me. I feel the effect on me.

Thank you for your kind and supportive post. You are very courageous.

I hope to heal soon.

This is hard to fathom, but I know it to be true.(this kind of abuse, which is next level horror)

 

[Sideways]

This is hard to fathom, but I know it to be true.(this kind of abuse, which is next level horror)

One of the things I like about this site? Is people don’t need to have experienced abuse like mine to get it. To understand where I am, what I’m struggling with, or where I need to go to heal.

Because there’s lots of horror stories here. They’re all different, and sometimes that feels isolating. I remember for a long time I felt like I’d been a science experiment (because my abuser was a scientist as well as a minister, and he used such a broad range of programming techniques in such a considered way to brainwash me with complete baloney), and that was isolating. I didn’t feel like there were people I could relate to in that respect.

But once I moved through that phase, I think mostly the differences of my abuse have become far less significant not only on this site, but for my recovery generally.

For example, loads of people here have gone through programming in all manner of ways - intentional and unintentional - and the end product is pretty similar.
As another example? Say there were knives used in your abuse (that’s a pure guess, I don’t know your individual story) - there’s people here who have endured some scary, messed up, horror story abuse involving knives: knives as weapons, knives as sexual toys, etc.

Every single person here has a unique story. You included. But the similarities about where we are now, and how we need to heal? We have a tonne in common.

Which means you have as much hope of healing and thriving as the rest of us.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself:)

 

[Ronin]

If I may (RA survivor, various types, various ideologies, in my case not so mattering for this question since some were semi voluntary &/or work so I don’t tend to categorize the belief system from it as an issue, but everything *else* that was going on: The coercion, lies, manipulation beyond what I counted with, deaths, murders, assorted array of crimes.)

Try not to get stuck on your perpetrator(s), at least in the initial stages. Focus on you, your needs, your relationships with people now, things like that. They likely had you aall focused on them to so many degrees, trauma bonding would do the rest even if they were not busy intentional, so you lived in that for years already. They aren’t the important person in your life. They aren’t even interesting people, not even interesting abusers from the abuser angle. Just other pricks that would do whatever they could to get you behave the way they wished, but that’s unoriginal as hell.

You, on another hand? Totally lovable, cherished, interesting, valuable, awesome individual.

That you didn’t have a chance to even get to know, all caring for values of someone else and their deity/ies.

You deserve that you, for who you are.

You decide what you wanna do with your life, too.

Not them, not the boxed set of purposes they could think of, not anyone else, you.

What @Sideways said about healing & similarities, too.

Whenever I hit the So alone / nobody I know deals with exact this aspect / the who went through it with me got scattered stage, I try to hit reverse. Look for what is common, or what matters for where I’m stuck right now. More commonalities than differences.

You got time, too.

Unless there are concrete physical risks in the right now, to yourself or loved ones, you got time, don’t have to figure it all out NOW.

& If there are risks: Slow down & think smaller, think concrete.

Cults & cultists bullshit, a helluva lot.

The what makes them powerful, if anything, is mostly the actions of their believers.

They got nothing if they can’t force you to act.

So you still DO hold the power. Back to: Not them. You.

 

[Sideways]

They aren’t the important person in your life. They aren’t even interesting people, not even interesting abusers from the abuser angle.

This. I love this. So true. Hard to fix on sometimes, but this is so important.

 

[ChildofGod]

Thank you both so much. I am in the process of getting rid of stuff given to me by my abuser-my mother. I don't want it, don't want the correlation. Esp. if she is into bad things.
I am learning that it was never my fault and no human, child or otherwise, should go through such horror.

I'm proud of myself for ending the cycle of abuse. I am proud that I made it this far.

I cut off all contact with my family. They are unsupportive and uncaring, even my brothers. They love me but are under the influence of my mom.

You are right about what you said about the abusers. Totally uninteresting.

I am the opposite of my mother. She will no longer rule my life.

I've felt like garbage for the last couple of days but I feel better now.

I'm still looking for a new therapist/counselor.

I am not self harming, though I've felt like it. I don't need to punish myself anymore.

Thank you both so very much for your support and understanding.

I wanted to write that I had more than one abuser at the same time. It wasn't only my mother, but at least 2 others and more than likely more, but I don't remember who else was hurting me.(my stepbrother I think and possibly the grandfather of him too.)

I forgot that I was also humiliated in front of my family.

 

[ChildofGod]

I deleted YouTube and all of my links and games. I noticed a lot of what I listened to before, some may have ties to the occult.

I don't want any of that stealing my joy or sense of safety, even the perception of safety.

I am sleeping more peacefully and a little longer than usual. I am enjoying that, having been sleep deprived all of my adult life.

(I think this is because I feel better about myself.)

 

[Ronin]

some may have ties to the occult.

Whichever is good for you, psychologically, though this bit:

Ties to the occult is such an ambivalent, non descript term.
Subject to interpretation.

In every case, spirituality & symbolic anything, is not harm, on itself.
The people being assholes about it are danger, but that is man made.

(Or, cough, says someone who wont let anyone pry metal music from his dead hands.
Despite having profound problem with a lot of things/RL trauma with things that music uses.
Cos, tuuuunes. :whistling: )

 

[ChildofGod]

I appreciate your response, but it isn't relevant when I'm staying away from that and you pipe in that's what you love.

Can you possibly imagine if this situation was reversed, and how would you feel if that's what I said ?

You are making me defend something that I shouldn't have to. I won't be silenced or ashamed of my decisions.

It feels aggressive to me. (the one place I felt truly safe and now less so.)


(And don't think I didn't see you post this symbol and then delete it ?. This symbol makes me want to vomit.)

 

[Ronin]

You are making me defend something that I shouldn't have to

Nah, not what I am doing.

What I'm saying is that things are not as black and white, and giving something up, if you liked it, is your choice / not everything of former times has to be tossed in purges.

So merely offering that toxicity & associations? Change with time and recovery.

 

[Ronin]

And don't think I didn't see you post this symbol and then delete it

You are lying in here, quite well.

Since I did do no such thing.
Either posting it, nor deleting it.

It also aint my habit, to be deleting things once posted.
QED documented posting history since I joined, some five years or so.