Relationship Advice

[G-9]

My husbands ptsd was brought on by sexual abuse from family during childhood. He’s imploded in the last two months and can’t seem to center himself He also has cheated on me Sonits a big shit sand which. He’s gone for an undisclosed amount of time So my therapist told me what I had already started researching.... he wants me to do the 180 He explained that there are pursuers and distancers in a relationship. I of course am the pursuer, and with my husband leaving,Taking off to “find clarity” in another state... after cheating. I need to back off. Stop doing me so that he will stop doing him. Does that make sense? I’m not explaining it well but basically it’s a list of actions that by halting my typical checking in and focusing on his well-being shifts to moving forward on my own and not giving him the attention Is anyone familiar with this? I may post it in the newsfeed or feedback as well

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I’m not explaining it well but basically it’s a list of actions that by halting my typical checking in and focusing on his well-being shifts to moving forward on my own and not giving him the attention Is anyone familiar with this?

Self care? I mean, that's what it sounds like.

But, otherwise, no. Unless it's to break codepenesy.

Cheating should, in my opinion, be a deal breaker. The fact that you are still there and are trying to pass cheating off with "it's just PTSD" (which it isn't) is a sign that you don't have great boundries and you don't look after your own needs and mental health. To me. So, maybe your therapist is trying to get you to look after you for once?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Im not sure about the relationship pursuer/distancer dynamic, but from knowing PTSD I would say it’s better to stop pursuing because it’s just going to make him run farther and longer.

 

[G-9]

Self care? I mean, that's what it sounds like.

But, otherwise, no. Unless it's to break codepenesy.

Cheating should, in my opinion, be a deal breaker. The fact that you are still there and are trying to pass cheating off with "it's just PTSD" (which it isn't) is a sign that you don't have great boundries and you don't look after your own needs and mental health. To me. So, maybe your therapist is trying to get you to look after you for once?

I don’t think I said “it’s just ptsd”
And as a mother we r notorious for putting everyone else’s needs first. So of course I have to work on that. But I also want to salvage our marriage.

 

[Friday]

Yep... it’s pretty standard & highly effective adultery & infidelity advice.

It operates on the same principle of dealing with domestic violence (breaking the illusion of control - if I do ABC then they won’t do XYZ and will love me love me love me love me).

Remove the desperate focus on who you want the other person to be, so that you can see who they actually are, and then decide if you want to be with that person... rather than attempting to make the person you imagine them to be want to be with you. It completely reverses, 180 degrees in the opposite direction, the knee jerk response people often have in both domestic violence and adultery.

Absolutely no way to tell what will happen in the relationship when one does this, because it’s the opposite of manipulating someone else to do what you want them to do. It’s focusing on yourself, and what you do, instead of how to make them do what you want them to do. But it means that whatever happens? It’s real. Really them. Really you.

So if you’re chasing them down and showering them with attention? (Love me love me love me) Or blaming yourself for being hit (love me love me love me love me) Or getting super sexy, sweet, sassy, forgiving, cool, nonjudgmental, understanding, whatever it is you think THEY want... you stop that. Stop attempting to manipulate them into treating you a certain way. . Take care of your own self. Look at and after your own needs and wants (that don’t include them). And pay attention to what they do. And decide if that’s something you actually want in your life. INCLUDING the pattern. Both abusers and cheaters will often be loooooooovely -exactly what you want in your life- when they realize you’re pulling back. Love bombing, hysterical bonding, honeymoon periods, etc. But then they cheat/abuse again. And it becomes the cycle of abuse or serial cheating. So you have to decide if you’re cool with the entire pattern, not just the honeymoon period.

 

[G-9]

Im not sure about the relationship pursuer/distancer dynamic, but from knowing PTSD I would say it’s better to stop pursuing because it’s just going to make him run farther and longer.

Thank you that’s helpful

 

[Justmehere]

Does that make sense? I’m not explaining it well but basically it’s a list of actions that by halting my typical checking in and focusing on his well-being shifts to moving forward on my own and not giving him the attention Is anyone familiar with this? I may post it in the newsfeed or feedback as well

It's good advice. Solid feedback. Hard to do, but so worth it. How is it going with trying this so far? Speaking as a sufferer only, supporters can't change me, can't fix me, can't cure me... but relationships work a lot better when the supporter isn't chasing me and has great self-care. If the sufferer is ignoring their own needs but is focused on mine, I tend to bolt. Run. Further and faster.

 

[Sweetpea76]

And it becomes the cycle of abuse or serial cheating. So you have to decide if you’re cool with the entire pattern, not just the honeymoon period.

That’s the truth! My first husband was a serial cheater, and I every time he cheated I would desperately try and save the marriage. He’d come home and promise to never do it again, then he’d do it again the next year. I was young and believed “till death do us part”, and that I had to stay with him for our two kids.

Instead all I did was demonstrate to him that it was just fine and dandy to treat me any which way. So he did.

Actually @Friday is making a good point about the whole dynamic... whether you are talking about dealing with the infidelity or the PTSD. @G-9 you need to sit and think about what you want... and not just “him” or your marriage back to normal. Take making him happy out of the equation. What do you want and need in a marriage? What are you willing to tolerate? What is the new normal now? (Your marriage has changed now, so it will never be the same as before). How is this effecting the kids? What if this is a pattern of behavior? What if he doesn’t get treatment?

It’s hard to do... but it needs done. If you don’t know your limits and set boundaries he is going to walk all over you, and not just because of the cheating. This can apply to him taking off, or lashing out verbally, refusing treatment, etc. You cannot control another person, but you can lay down the law about what you are and are not willing to tolerate. If they choose not to respect those boundaries, then you know where you stand. Supporting partners NEED firm boundaries because it is real easy to get sucked onto the crazy train and wind up riding that bitch around in circles.

 

[joeylittle]

If it's helpful to know...your therapist is (likely) talking about either Gottman Method for couples therapy, or Emotion-Focused Therapy (Drs. Greenberg and Johnson), or a sort of hybrid. Those are the two modalities that are built around this idea:

He explained that there are pursuers and distancers in a relationship. I of course am the pursuer, and with my husband leaving,Taking off to “find clarity” in another state... after cheating. I need to back off. Stop doing me so that he will stop doing him.

I don't know how PTSD being in the mix would make it different - it just might be a little more difficult for your husband.

Is your therapist suggesting you do couples' work, or...? Because this stuff is really intended to be applied by both partners, and I can see how it might turn dysfunctional if you're the only one applying the behavioral changes.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I don’t think I said “it’s just ptsd”

The affair he had was a symptom- I know that

I am assuming you meant PTSD symptom.

Speaking as a sufferer only, supporters can't change me, can't fix me, can't cure me... but relationships work a lot better when the supporter isn't chasing me and has great self-care. If the sufferer is ignoring their own needs but is focused on mine, I tend to bolt. Run. Further and faster.

Yep! Here too!

 

[G-9]

That’s the truth! My first husband was a serial cheater, and I every time he cheated I would desperately try and save the marriage. He’d come home and promise to never do it again, then he’d do it again the next year. I was young and believed “till death do us part”, and that I had to stay with him for our two kids.

Instead all I did was demonstrate to him that it was just fine and dandy to treat me any which way. So he did.

Actually @Friday is making a good point about the whole dynamic... whether you are talking about dealing with the infidelity or the PTSD. @G-9 you need to sit and think about what you want... and not just “him” or your marriage back to normal. Take making him happy out of the equation. What do you want and need in a marriage? What are you willing to tolerate? What is the new normal now? (Your marriage has changed now, so it will never be the same as before). How is this effecting the kids? What if this is a pattern of behavior? What if he doesn’t get treatment?

It’s hard to do... but it needs done. If you don’t know your limits and set boundaries he is going to walk all over you, and not just because of the cheating. This can apply to him taking off, or lashing out verbally, refusing treatment, etc. You cannot control another person, but you can lay down the law about what you are and are not willing to tolerate. If they choose not to respect those boundaries, then you know where you stand. Supporting partners NEED firm boundaries because it is real easy to get sucked onto the crazy train and wind up riding that bitch around in circles.

This is really helpful thank you
I’m going to answer those questions for myself and prepare to have a calm conversation when he returns. I can’t sustain this and I need to make my boundaries clear

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just remember, since you cannot control anybody’s behavior but your own, boundaries are limits you set on yourself. You need to communicate them and enforce them, but all he can do is choose to respect them or not. He doesn’t get a say in what your boundaries are.

For example, it wouldn’t be “you can’t cheat on me!” Instead it’s “if he cheats on me again I cannot tolerate it and I will not stay in this relationship.” See the difference?

You can have all kinds of boundaries. Some are deal breakers, some have more wiggle room... that’s why you need to have that hard conversation with yourself. If you’re not firm on your boundaries and you don’t enforce them, then they are useless.

We love our boundaries here in the supporter section. One of the first things I learned here was how to set a boundary!