Safe people radar

[HealingMama]

I agree with that. Children need parents that learn to navigate the waters. However, abuse is abuse whether the name called is slut or not. Whether addiction is involved or not and whether it's physical or not. Et Al.

Yeah I'm not called sl*t usually b*tch, a***ole, crazy, delusional, and there is intimidation, withholding communication, lies of omission at least (probably commission too), blocking conversation, discounting my perspective and belittling my feelings, interrupting me, undermining me with our child (not making child clean up before bed which isn't consistent with agreed upon rules, when it is his turn to do bedtime and child asks me to come partner says things like no mom doesn't want to see you).

I am a huge part of the problem and as I work on myself I see the extent to which I have amplified many of the problems in my relationship. But I also have busted my butt to change myself and equip my partner with the tools needed for his own consciousness raising and he is remaining stuck, taking the path of least resistance, using free time for games rather than growth, not trying to learn to think about anything differently. Not trying to recognize that maybe my experience as a mental health provider gives me access to expert opinion about how we could both improve things. I am trying. He is not holding back. The outburst that he had the other day got as bad as it did specifically because we were alone in the house. He holds back when the kids are there which tells me he intended to act that rageful.

They say couples therapy isn't a good idea if there is abuse. In the past a lot of the abuse (verbal) came from me and my anxiety. But the couple's therapy didn't escalate it at all. A lot of my bad behavior came from desperation to have meaningful communication about problems and just generally have more information than I was being given. So therapy helped meet those needs. That makes me feel like more of this is his stuff than I've been made to believe. But I could be wrong. I've been gaslit so much I have no idea what is true.

 

[The Albatross]

They say couples therapy isn't a good idea if there is abuse

Who says that? Disagree. Relational disputes are best mediated by a 3rd party.

 

[HealingMama]

Who says that? Disagree. Relational disputes are best mediated by a 3rd party.

If there is abuse couples therapy can make it worse. Can't send links but it's all over marriage counseling and domestic violence resources on the internet. Often abusers manipulate the counselor into taking their side and it just disempowers the victim even more. Or the abuser learns the victim's soft spots even better then uses them against that person.

But I didn't really do that. The counseling helped because it forced my partner to stop doing as much of the crappy behavior that drove me to react with desperation.

 

[Cypress]

It sounds to me like you have accepted that the relationship is unworkable. Is there something preventing you from leaving?

 

[Mach123]

I didn't mean to sound insensitive either I've written on here my wife was absolutely abusive with me for years. It's extremely difficult and painful and I wouldn't minimize that for anyone. I also was severely abusive for years with her and everyone. We had some really terrible times, long times, when I was symptomatic and was undiagnosed.

So I wouldn't advise anything for anyone not being in their shoes but this is what we did. It could've gone either way. Sometimes I think it was pure meanness and stubbornness that kept us together.

I know for us our parents divorced on both sides and I think it really hurt both of us and we were not going to let that happen to our children.

Plus we have handicapped children I mean, I think sometimes we both felt like, how do you leave someone with that?

This is a good thread though. : )

 

[HealingMama]

Do parent's need "happy" parents? You posted it above (#18) but substituted "healthy" above. Myth bust/examine core beliefs about "happy" and health being synonymous. Because they aren't.

I was basically agreeing that parents don't necessarily need to be happy. But they do need to be healthy. Definitely not the same thing.

 

[HealingMama]

It sounds to me like you have accepted that the relationship is unworkable. Is there something preventing you from leaving?

I love him. I'm codependent. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want my kid to deal with a divorce. I have a chronic illness and my partner has actually been super great about that. My partner is not likely to function well living alone. He's talked about moving ten hours away and with his executive functioning issues that means I would be a single parent like 95% of the year which is hard already but add a chronic illness and it's even harder.

I feel like it actually could be workable if he would work on himself. I'm staying because I keep hoping he will stop being in denial and actually do so.