Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

I am sitting in my car outside my house. I have been out all day so I don't have to talk to my husband. I really dread going inside the house. I went to the gym and got my self care on and seeing him is likely to unravel the peace I've achieved.

Sigh.

 

[HealingMama]

Just thinking about my history with romance. I have picked some really not great people to date. I think because my self esteem was in the toilet. I mean nobody is perfect. But I've picked people with serious issues.

Why do relationships have to be so hard... Why does love have to hurt... I mean I guess it's good that I've not picked people that beat me... I haven't ever been raped by a significant other... But none of my relationships look the way I feel like I should.

I'm the common denominator here.

I guess if you feel worthless underneath it all you don't honor yourself in your dating life like you should.

 

[HealingMama]

Well, he refuses to communicate.
How do you solve problems with someone that won't have a conversation?

He assumes every time I'm upset with him that I'm splitting. It doesn't occur to him that getting in my face and raging at me would trigger anybody. He doesn't seem to think any of my feelings are valid. He doesn't respect me. I know everyone is saying you stay and you work it out but I don't want to be with someone that avoids talking through things and doesn't respect me. I am a much healthier person when I am not in this relationship. I function better single. I actually have fun in my life, pursue enriching experiences, have a variety of interesting and supportive friendships. Right now I'm stuck in survival mode constantly fighting to be taken seriously. And the relationship is using up all my energy. I don't think my other relationships worked that way. They had their problems sure but I don't feel like this is mostly me. It's how we fit together as people.

He said he would move out in a week. We have a houseguest coming Monday, leaving Friday. That leaves only a couple of days for him to find a place to go. For reasons I won't get into that is already a complicated situation. He refused to tell me whether he looked for a place to go today. He didn't have to work.

The fact that he believes none of my reactions to his behavior are "real" means it takes 3 days of fighting for him to start to take me seriously.

How do you get your spouse to believe you are upset for a valid reason that they need to understand better vs thinking you're just trying to start shit? He's doing that stupid sexist thing where woman has emotion = woman is crazy = I don't have to listen to her. He stonewalls me. Everyone saying you stay for the kids, what kind of quality of life can I give a child whose mother is ripped apart by spousal stubbornness and sexism on a regular basis?

Everyone says change me. The only way I can change is to give up my effort to be heard or treated with respect. I don't actually think that would be healthy. We all deserve to feel heard and respected.

 

[HealingMama]

I'm really feeling badly for @somerandomguy

I notice very few people have replied in my diary. If replying means a bunch of people calling me out at once, I'm really grateful no one has visited my diary thread very much. It is so very hard to feel like I have any safe spaces where communication is supportive. This place has felt like that so far even when people challenge my thinking. But having a bunch of people visit my thread to argue with me would be difficult.

@somerandomguy I would have totally had a meltdown if I were in your shoes, me being a sensitive snowflake and all. I'm impressed by your strength.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thank you for your support @HealingMama. It helps me a lot.

In the best of times this is a place of support, but nothing is always the best of times. Also, ALL of us have PTSD, and many of us get really triggered with sex stuff. I'm fortunate (usually) that a lot of people visit my diary, but the flip side is that if I'm dysregulated and say stuff that triggers people ... well, it turns into a trigger-o-rama in my diary. This isn't the first time this has happened.

 

[HealingMama]

I want to talk about avoidance. I avoid getting close to people. I create large spaces, am not consistent about attending social gatherings. I've been this way as long as I can remember. I really relish my alone time. Nobody can do anything that stresses me out when I'm by myself.

I experience other people as largely stressful to me. At least in unstructured settings. Visitors are cumbersome. I love the rare occasion where I can take kid to daycare, spouse is working and I can just be in my house. My nervous system relaxes when I'm alone in my house in a way that it can't if anyone else is there even if they are in another room.

My experience is that people will basically be polite and kind but if they get close they are going to hurt me. Or I'm going to hurt because of them somehow even if they don't do something "to me."

I used to have such thick skin. I used to be able to take everything in stride. I was numb and didn't really have a great quality of life like that but things didn't hurt so f*cking much either.

I stopped being so numb in my early 20s when I had my first experience of EMDR. All of a sudden I could feel which is great and also terrible. Do you have any idea how hard it is to learn emotion regulation skills years past when you are supposed to? Well this is a trauma forum so if anyone is reading you probably do know. It's f*cking hard.

I really hate disappointment. I really hate when people that are supposed to be on my side let me down. I hate when my husband loses his temper. Which isn't fair because I've done it myself. But when he loses his temper it really makes me want to end the relationship because it's so hard for me to be attached to anyone. I'm so damn fragile. And I work so very hard to attach to others. And he does something to confirm why I never should have in the first place.

 

[HealingMama]

I wrote about the resolution of the fight with my husband but that isn't really how I want to use this diary. So, deleted.

I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of being happy for too long. I've been feeling really depressed lately. I've been eating too much, dealing with anhedonia. It is hard to admit to myself when I feel depressed. I guess I'm afraid if I admit it then I will give in to it more and be less able to function. And also, if I'm wallowing in depression my hypervigilence doesn't work as well. So depression is dangerous. That's what my messed up thinking says to me.

I really need to learn to sleep on it when a fight starts. I need to learn to accept that people won't always understand your position. They won't always agree. And for someone that is pathologically conflict avoidant they are going to sound resentful when you bring up an issue and so they aren't going to seem understanding.

It's really hurt the relationship for my partner to withdraw almost every time I have a complaint. Women are complainers! He's tried so hard to punish me for ever having something to say that isn't an ego stroke.

He's gaslit me so much. For YEARS he was so deeply defensive about any concern no matter how I brought it up that he made me believe everything is my fault. I'm the problem and he's just the nice guy trying to do the right thing.

Despite all the abuse I have endured, I am not passive in my relationship. I am opinionated. My husband *likes* to be passive and let me have most of the opinions so he doesn't have to take responsibility for how life looks. He gets to blame me for everything if he doesn't try to take up space.

I guess I tend to pick passive partners because they are less likely to be overtly abusive.

Why the hell did I end up with someone that is so conflict avoidant. He says I'm addicted to conflict. From my perspective I am just not good at evaluating whether something is truly important to address or not. And because I was raised by someone that discounted and dismissed my feelings, it's hard to have someone do that to me. She would straight up say no you don't feel that. You don't think that.

She called me stupid during our recent family vacation. I laughed it off but shit man, what about that little girl that didn't know how to do that.

I am low contact with her right now because I tend to get dysregulated after talking to her, even if the conversation is reasonable. There's too many times it hasn't been. My littles are always screaming a me to get away from her. But she's also really sick and lonely. I use my life as mom to a young child and as a person with a chronic illness as an excuse to barely talk to her.

I am kind of looking forward to her death. I suspect I'll get really dysregulated as I work the trauma out of me but after that I will finally feel safe. Or safer.

I need to make self care happen better. I was doing well before the stepkids visited. Then I got out of my routine. I function better when I hit the gym 3-4 days a week and have healthy food ready.

The other stepkid is visiting us next week. I hope I don't get jealous. I wish I could have hung out with my dad before I went to college. My mom was too busy suffocating me. I was too busy using drugs. I bet I wouldn't have gotten into drugs so bad if he hadn't died.

 

[HealingMama]

Mr. HealingMama is up for the day. Leaves for work in an hour. Will be solo parenting today and I'm horribly depressed.

We sat on the couch and barely said two words. Neither of us actually wants to get close it seems. I laid down on his bed before he joined us in the living room and he didn't touch me.

He did tell me he dreamed about a coworker trying to have sex with him. Did I mention he works with a lot of younger women and he is a people pleaser so he's also really charming? He has bad boundaries. He accuses me of not doing boundaries. (boundaries are hard... Because my narc mom didn't let me have any myself). But he will support anyone about anything and insert himself into people's personal problems and doesn't think it's an issue if he's getting texts from female co-workers with tons of hearts on them and not telling me about it.

I actually don't think I mind open relationship. Before I dated my husband I was polyamorous. I was seeing more than one person, doing it the conscientious way, attending to the rules of that community. My husband has told me I could have sex with another woman if I want to. I'm bi or possibly closeted lesbian idk. He would prefer to be there for the girl on girl action of course.

So it's not the sex per se that is threatening. It's the fact that things would be going on behind my back. It's hard to trust people as it is. I was cheated on once in my last serious relationship and it was devastating. That's not criterion A but I had lots of intrusions and reexperiencing symptoms for a long time.

When I saw my husband's conversation with that girl with the heart emojis I started having nightmares about him cheating. He found a bisexual girl at his work that is my type and suggested we could have a threesome once. I'd rather not do it with someone either of us will continue to be around. I had a threesome with a girlfriend and my last serious partner once and it was so awkward because I was still around the female for a while after that.

It's funny, my husband can manage to do all the emotional intimacy stuff and affirmation of me when he's trying to convince me that a threesome with a hottie he works with won't mess up the relationship. ?

The relationship is super messed up. The last thing we need is to bring in other partners right now.

Mr. HM and I have not had sex in like a week. I constantly think we would both be better off divorcing but I've never really lost my desire to be with him. I wish he would initiate. He is sensitive to rejection and his ex did a whole lot of it so he rarely makes me feel wanted and appreciated sexually unless I've already floated the idea that his advances will be received well.

Sooo depressed. Either that or my chronic illness is acting up but the fatigue from that doesn't quite have the same texture as depression. Maybe I will take the child to a movie today. Child wants to go swimming. I dreamed last night about how much more I probably weigh since depression has made me binge. It's still maybe 135 tops, more likely 130, but I feel ugly and uninterested in publicly donning a swimsuit.

But I love my kid so I will put my issues in a box to give him what he wants.

I kind of wonder if my depression is really anger. I am angry that I can't get my partner to show me they understand my feelings on an issue and that they are reasonable. I'm angry that we keep having the same problem constantly. I'm angry that he implied that I'm the reason he hasn't sought his own therapy. I feel hopeless to ever have a healthy relationship and pathetic for not being able to pull the trigger on a divorce.

 

[HealingMama]

It is interesting how often I'm triggered around my husband. Many theories for that. One, repetition compulsion, dad left so expecting him to also, pushing him away so I leave him before he leaves me. Or the Imago relationship model where we pick someone specifically so they stir up our crap so we can take a look at it and grow past it. Or he isn't safe and my child parts know that. I often feel emotionally much younger around him. Emotional flashback etc.

Strangely, I can't compartmentalize our conflicts very well but I can compartmentalize my baggage at work like nothing you have ever seen. Then again, the high achiever is coming from shame and perfectionism. Narcissistic parents are really good at raising kids to perform.

I cried in my boss's office once, and he checked on me later that day. I told him you don't become a decent therapist if you don't learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It's really hard to give empathy all day at work, to listen intently, then come home to someone who is inattentive due to being neurodiverse and then an extra layer of ignoring because that's how they show frustration. My partner is good at pity but has a really hard time seeing himself as an equal to me. His ego issues make him need to be in the one up position.

Since I'm stuck a bit longer yet l hope he will try to initiate sex sometime soon. He's not very validating. I really need the validation from him taking that initiative. I haven't dissociated or switched during sex in a few weeks now. It's pretty nice.

 

[HealingMama]

Heard this song. This was a favorite movie for me. Sometimes love doesn't have a happy ending. I used to be like the female protagonist in this movie. Captivating and quirky and fun and commitment phobic. I probably still have trouble with commitment. Having a kid means I have to try harder.

 

[HealingMama]

Triggers.

Being ignored is a trigger. I can't remember if that's always been the case. My husband having raging ADHD means it's especially frequent. I'm trying to use mindfulness skills. I see the urge to complain rise up in me. I feel the irritation.

I greatly enjoy being by myself but when I am making an effort to be "normal" and not acknowledged it makes me.feel invisible.

With my abusive mother I wanted to be invisible. She was very intrusive. I was what do you call it... Emotional incest? I begged her to remarry. Why would she when she could mold me into her perfect source of supply.

Adult me knows she did the best she could. The me that has done some therapy around this knows.

In the meantime, waiting on husband to answer a question; he's likely off work by now and hasn't answered and I'm feeling triggered. It reads as inconsiderate when there's something I have to take action on and can't until he responds. But tired of fighting so I guess I will just stuff this one.

His ADHD has caused little t and big T trauma. I can't speak about all of it here. I'm too ashamed. I've been left for months at a time to solo parent. He drove my favorite car ever into the neighbor's front porch one night. He is very unreliable. There's no consistency or stability. It's death by a thousand paper cuts. I never get to fully heal from most of it. So every time i am waiting on an answer from him for a time limited issue hits the thousand other times he's either forgotten to answer or decided that my time was not important and put things off for some other reason.

I am regularly made to feel worthless and invisible in my marriage. I work so hard in my life because my worth comes from performance. Unfortunately I have made myself sick doing that so my body forces me to not work sometimes.

I have to ask myself why am I putting up with such a hard life.

 

[HealingMama]

My husband offered to give me a back rub last night. He could tell I didn't feel well. There was a wall of fear and pain. I ended up crying because f*ck, I cry a lot. I had all that stress stored up in my body and needed to experience him not acting scary so it was a good cry.

I talked about how hard it is to stay open to someone that has confirmed my belief that people will hurt me if they get close. He knows that belief runs me. He says, I don't know how to help you with that but I'll be here for you as you figure that out.

He's a nice guy when he isn't acting like a jerk.

It's pretty embarrassing. I provide a cognitive based trauma treatment professionally that has baked right into it working through the belief "if I trust others I'll get hurt." And yet I can't apply that stuff personally.

I think because I don't really ascribe to the theory that thoughts come first. I think body memories have emotional reactions from the past stored in them and present day life can trigger the body's "score".

I hope I can get rid of this belief. It would be so much easier if I didn't sabotage closeness. This particular situation I don't think I did. I think it's his ADHD issue that triggered it. But the whole now he's mad, and now I want to throw away my marriage thing.... That's my baggage.

My mother hurt me so much, at weird times with no true pattern. She never hit me. But I almost wish I'd had physical abuse rather than emotional and verbal. Because it would be easier to maintain this sense that what she did was wrong. She got me good educational opportunities, volunteered at my school. Her persona was one of a good mother. And yet when I talk to her my body is screaming danger, danger. I had to move back home temporarily after I went off to college and I was dissociated the whole time. My body tells me that isn't a safe situation. But it's hard for me to hold in my head the idea that she was toxic. It's soooo easy to excuse it away. I think there were so many unpredictable emotional abuse incidents that I had to develop amnesia to survive it.

But the body remembers.

I actually said to my husband at one point during this multiple day fight that he was just like my narcissistic mother. Now that I'm no longer dysregulated I honestly don't know if that's even true. In the moment it sure did feel true.

I'm so tired. The stress has made me sick. My T is on vacation. Our next session she's planning an exercise to get past my defenses. I have a f*ckton of them.