Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Feels like my guts have been turned inside out. I hate this.

My partner just asked me to come play with my family and I can't leave the bedroom because I am so overly stimulated and emotional. I've tried so hard not to ruin his birthday but I'm quite sure I did anyway.

I don't know what this is in me that needs to be angry and can't let things go.

I mean of course I know. When your favorite parent leaves you by dying, other favorite people acting like they have withdrawn approval is scary.

But why can't I be soothed.

We are supposed to have fun tomorrow and I can't stand the thought of being around all these people.

I told my husband if he wanted to do anything for his birthday he needed to take responsibility for making that happen. He's going to stay downstairs until I am too tired to hang out. I know it.

Maybe I'm a narcissist. I'm over here wanting ideal love, but I'm not acting like a person that deserves ideal love so why do I think I should have it.

I hope whatever this shit is that's going on with me will level out before tomorrow. Being stuck having to play-act around my stepkids for 8 hours plus time in the car sounds like my idea of hell.

 

[HealingMama]

My husband just called me a baby.

He wouldn't clean unless company was coming if I didn't live here. He doesn't pay the bills or earn most of the money. He was unemployed for 2 years and didn't even try to find work at the time - even after I became unexpectedly pregnant. He just wants to play games all the time. Like literally. He's obsessed with board games. He owes 5 figures in child support and he still buys board games instead of sending that money to the state for his children.

But because I have unmet needs and they keep spilling out in spats that I then have trouble letting go of, I'm being a baby and I should just grow up.

What an asshole.

 

[HealingMama]

Oh, and because after he said I'm being a baby and I should just grow up, I started pointing out the ways that he's much more childish than I am, he assumed that I was splitting.

I could not possibly be reacting with appropriate anger to an inappropriate insult.

How convenient for him that my actions are always the problem. Eyeroll.

I mean I do have BPD traits but telling me to grow up was shitty. And isn't going to do anything. I don't want to latch onto issues but it keeps happening and I can't help it and it has nothing to do with me being immature. I'm afraid and it's showing up as a fight response. That's not something that you fix by telling someone to stop being a baby. Certainly not this particular person who has displayed some terrible character traits and decision making.

 

[HealingMama]

Negative facial expressions and tones are so damn triggering. I hate it. I hate it for my SO also. It isn't fair that he has to hide emotions lest I get upset myself.

My mother used to go cold, get steely, and hold grudges. As I got older and started calling her out for things like this she was suddenly a poor victim.

I have no model for relationships in which people get upset and still treat you with love and kindness. I was quite literally abandoned at least emotionally fo not towing the party line of the image my mother held up for me to fulfill.

I am tired of the tension in my relationship. I have gone off to be alone today and am trying to do some self care so that I can show up more effectively with my family.

 

[HealingMama]

So two days ago my husband is condescending to me and I say something about it. He has trouble apologizing. He's always had some trouble with that. But this time he yelled at me, called me names, hung up on me, tried to guilt trip me.

It basically ruined my attachment to him which is always pretty precarious anyway. I'm numb towards him, a sharp numbness in my heart.

We are finally calm enough to communicate about it and I told him you can't do that shit with someone who has attachment trauma.

The one person that made himself seem like he would be a safe person... And then he does this. I don't feel safe at all. He wants to live in an avoidant bubble where you never deal with anything. It's so dysfunctional.

Life has to have more than this. I deserve a compatible heartfelt relationship. Maybe I just need to be a lesbian. I'm tired of being hurt so much by someone that also tries to be caring. I feel really manipulated.

 

[Mach123]

Love this. I'm exactly like you except I'm the man. The husband wife stuff is brutally hard. I think it's hard for all couples but for us there is the re enactment always and yes it's not just sex it's every facet of life.

Waiting for her. I'm always waiting, she tells me I'm lucky. : )

 

[HealingMama]

Must have fallen into an EP last night. Not even sure what triggered it exactly. Tension with my spouse, wondering whether to get separate residences, trying to create some peace together that kept not working out.

I got very very upset. Like can't use words upset. I was on the floor in a fetal position for about 30 minutes with wailing sobs. There's more that I don't want to write here but I was very very upset. My spouse eventually came back to console me.

We developed a nickname for my fight response part. Dark Phoenix.

I'm exhausted today. Tapping into our core trauma parts is exhausting work. I tried to do some self processing this morning but it didn't work well.

I think I was trying to get rid of something inside me, and that isn't what I really need to do. It's a part of me. I need to claim it and love it and soothe it not try to kill it.

I can feel it tied up in my root chakra so this is a very base very survival threat part. This is where so much of the other stuff comes from.

May I find the strength to show up for myself the way I need to.

 

[HealingMama]

How is it possible to be so kick-ass in some areas of my life, and be so dysfunctional in others?

My relationship is no longer in its latest stormy phase. It shifted the day before yesterday, like magic. I could just feel that the part of me that was angry and scared was soothed enough to let go of the struggle. I don't know exactly how that part was soothed enough. I wish my experience had a consistent and logical cause-effect relationship. But it just doesn't.

 

[HealingMama]

The dust has settled with my partner. I am trying to talk to my inner family more. We had date night yesterday and I asked everyone to let it happen and be comfortable. We had some great conversation after where I also shared with my partner that I have more than one me and he says he knows and it's ok.

I am realizing how much avoidance has interfered in my life. And what my triggers are related to my father's death. My husband keeping information from me is terrifying because not knowing stuff related to a male that loves me feels like an upheaval of the same kind as my dad dying out of nowhere.

My husband being nice to female co-workers feels terrifying because again I could get blindsided with a loss.

I was able to tell my husband that some of my parts are absolutely terrified of him. I was also able to be supportive of my husband's own trauma. I haven't always been in the past, but I am being the me that is able to right now.

Started trying to track my inner family more. There is a big brother, a caretaker, Dark Phoenix (unconscious destructive chaotic aspect), Lilly (innocent child part/EP/exile?, and an abusive introject from my narcissistic mother. There is more in there but this is a good starting point.

 

[HealingMama]

Signs of switching:
Dizziness
Itchy eyes
Feeling more numb
Feeling farther back inside myself
Feeling an inner fighter moving around
Hiccup in ability to think or speak
Headache
Feeling part of me stretched taller than usual
Feeling like my legs aren't working properly
Feeling confused and lost (sign switch already happened)

Known triggers
Broken promises
Last minute plan changes
Sex
Having communication ignored
People getting close to me
Becoming aware of the destructive behaviors I have done
Talking to narcissistic mother
Seeing notifications that my mother has tried to talk to me
Husband being incapacitated
Being helpless
Relying on others
Making mistakes
Testing my partner to ensure their loyalty/dedication and having them react with "meh" (this last one is unconscious, wish I did not do it)
Being around husband and the stepdaughters and seeing the love between them

 

[HealingMama]

Well shit. So much for the harmony in my house.

My spouse has personal issues of his own. Mostly from ADHD. He forgot to eat all day. He was off work all day. He sits down to eat at 4:30, knowing I solo parented the last 4 days and was supposed to get a break. Meaning he feeds the kid. But the kid is a toddler, learns by mimicry. So if my spouse is full from eating at 4:30pm, then my toddler won't eat as much because my spouse won't eat as much.

Long story short spouse got irritated that I was asking him to not eat a full meal. And wasn't paying attention. I asked will he remember to feed the child if he isn't hungry himself. Because that actually is a problem. My spouse will meet his own needs and not even think about whether others around him have similar needs to be met.

He was acting like I was in the wrong. But I was just trying to protect my child and be sure my child is well fed.

So I say look, you don't seem like you want us to have a good evening because you aren't acting like it. He says of course I do. So I say then why are you being so moody.

He says I'm the one being moody.

He always wants to turn it around on me. That isn't ok.

So I say ugh why can't you just be normal. Which admittedly wasn't a good thing to say. I ended up apologizing later.

But we are in a fight now. He has called me an asshole, slammed doors, threw a chair, yelled really loudly and got in my face.

And now he's over there convinced that I'm splitting in BPD fashion or pushing him away because things were good or something.

But what the f*ck dude no. You're hangry and rude and escalated the hell out of everything and I'm in fight or flight mode now and I was really looking forward to having a nice evening together. It isn't my damn fault you forgot to eat and then it was 4:30 in the afternoon. It isn't my fault you frequently feed yourself and don't even ask if anyone else is hungry. It isn't my fault you're not acting like a safe or trustworthy person.

But he's going to gaslight me now, make me think this is all my fault, and make me think this is all coming from my personal issues.

I say bullshit.

Of course, feeling like everything has fallen apart, wanting to leave the relationship, wanting to never trust him ever again... That's my "stuff".

But the fight itself? Him throwing shit and getting in my face? That isn't me.

He kept trying to make me stop talking, but he was sabotaging my child's ability to have a functional routine by eating a full meal 1.5 hours before it's time for the child to also eat. And then had the audacity to act like I wasn't pointing out a valid problem. His lack of structure hurts him constantly. That is on him. I get to interfere when his chaos risks hurting other people though.

Dammit I was really looking forward to a nice time and he's ruined it. He's probably ruined the next 3 days because he also is totally shit at repairing things or making amends and likes to just pretend nothing happened and you can't do that to someone with attachment trauma.

Ugh I am so embarrassed. I talk about him being a safe person then he throws a chair and gets in my face screaming.

I don't even know who to trust anymore. Or what safe even looks like. I hate my life. Well, I don't hate my professional life. I love my kid. I f*cking hate my marriage though. It's a toxic dumpster fire.

 

[HealingMama]

My life is so embarrassing. Or rather I should say my personal life. I have friends. I'm well liked at work. I cooperate and get along with people. I follow directions.

I wish I had a neutral third party that I could send tapes of my marriage to for them to say here is what's happening. Here's how you're both wrong. Or to tell me Healing Mama you have issues for sure, but you didn't make this person act this way. And you can't make them change. So either learn to work around them or go.

Actually I've had 2-3 therapists and countless anonymous helpers on the internet tell me exactly that. But I stay. When things are good they are good. Or at least okay. Sometimes for as long as two weeks before it all goes to shit.

Things I know to be true:
I can be selfish.
I can be reactive.
I can be complicated and capricious because I have so many me's and ego states or whatever.
I overfunction in relationships.
My anxiety and perfectionism can make me a real pain in the ass.
My anxiety can make me controlling.
I have a lot of good knowledge about how to communicate, how to talk through problems, how to solve problems collaboratively. I'm with someone that doesn't like to do that.
I'm afraid to be a single mother.
I'm afraid I'll never let anyone else into my heart ever again because this is what happens when I do.
I don't like being treated like my concerns aren't reasonable or valid.
I have behaved abusively.
My spouse has self esteem issues.
My spouse can be charming and manipulative.
My spouse can be parasitic. Sometimes I've wondered if that comes from some antisocial traits. Sometimes it seems from toxic shame keeping him from working towards any personal goals.
My spouse used to be really pretentious and now is like imploded. He's had a lot of personal failures and hasn't digested it.
He's never hit me.
I hit him once after finding out I was pregnant, he was not employed and not looking, I didn't make much money, and he told me something like how he hadn't made a therapy appointment or hadn't fixed his child support stuff or some sort of not following through on some typical adult thing that adults do when they have responsibilities. It was a very difficult time in the relationship.

I used to resent him so much. He let me work 3 jobs pregnant while he wallowed in self pity. I worked really hard to let that resentment go.

What thanks do I get? I get him raging at me. The boy is the most defensive person I've ever seen. And he has raging ADHD. And it's like I can't get him to actually do anything unless I give an ultimatum.

Our shared phone calendar is peppered with reminders about upcoming deadlines for him to get therapy, manage his anger, it's crazy.

Why do I stay? I can't even get any support anymore when things go sideways because everyone is sick of hearing me not know what to do about my relationship.

I have chronic medical problems. Parenting alone will be difficult. But maybe if mama isn't so frickin stressed all the time she can actually heal and take care of herself and be a better mom.

He is so good at making me think this is all in my head.