Hi I'm New - Father Shot Me, My Family and Himself

[batgirl]

The hard part... How long and the time it takes to see the things as plain as the nose on your face! Some things, or most are just like that with PTSD. At least for me.

ETA- Batgirl I think you really have what it takes to kick this shit square in the ass. Not that you won't fall on it every now and then, but you got the right stuff.

Thanks... that makes me feel good. I'm definitely not going to give up without a fight.

ETA... haaa. I guess because I am so spaced out and exhausted right now, I looked and looked at that acronym, thinking hmmm?? Estimated Time of Arrival? European Technical Approval? Environmental Transport Association? Then finally I figured out it must be Edited to Add lol. Maybe I should go back to bed!! :sleep:

 

[anthony]

And just so you know, I totally agree with veiled on the sense you have what it takes to really kick the shit out of PTSD and win. I believe you actually have the ability to heal quite fast batgirl, because you reason logic very well.

 

[batgirl]

Well thanks again. I mustn't have much confidence in myself because I don't see it at all. I just see that it's been over 5 years of struggling and I am still not "fixed". I still want to be who I was before all this happened. I know that's not realistic but I'm having trouble letting go of it.

Anyway I appreciate all the encouragement. I am trying.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Beatle Bailey

Wow Batgirl
I responded to your welcome letter befor I read your Postings ,, I am so sorry you had to go thru so much pain and sorrow , I can relate wth the sleepless night or running on 2 or 3 hrs. sleep for a long time , and I to have a hard time making friends , Because if they knew what was going on in my head they would leave anyway,, one friend I,ve known for 14 yrs. just told me of this site ,, so I'm still fumbling my way around ,, when I was a ranger in the army we were brain washed into ignorring physicle an mentle pain , I think that is why I have carried this for so long ,, I'm so glad you found this place so soon ,, you must be smarter than I ,, Link Removed I agree with Veiled's analligy of your NIC hope to talk more if you can :hello:

 

[batgirl]

Thanks BB. I am wowed by your story too... by everyone's stories, really. People have survived amazingly hard times. Believe it or not, I often feel that my experience is not so bad as others I've read here, because mine was a single incident, whereas many others have endured suffering for years. Anyways I'm impressed by your strength in everything you've gone through!

I will try to share more... I started a trauma diary, and it has been harder than I thought to write things down. It is in one of the more private areas of the site for now, so not everyone can see it. I'm still pretty paranoid, not about people here reading my story, I am fine with that... it's rather about having details of my life available through search engines. That really scares me. I feel like a freak show. And I don't want graduate students doing internet research on me for a thesis or whatever. It's a silly thing to worry about, but there you go... I am silly! :dont-know

Anyways welcome again! I'm sure we'll talk more over time.

 

[beatle_bailey]

Beatle Bailey

Hello again Batgirl ,,,
this is a good place to get help ,,, I have bin reading all that has bin talked about in your thread , and have had a lot of thinks sterd up , but for the most part it has been very good for me ,, never saw a srink or the other ,, once I had to go to a drunk driving class and the counselor there had no IDEA of what a alcoholic really was ,,, I was the only confessed alcy there ,, well I think she and the class all got a bit more than they axpected because my alcoholism and my PTSD were both untreated at thye time ,, I was a little bit unmangesble to say the least , ,, some people call me excitable ,, I just say I'm passionate about certain sujects,, HA!!! some ove the best help I have gotten was when I was helping others ,,, going to Jails schools troubled kids homes , , womem in transission , exc.exc. I would share my expieriance with alcohol drugs and the consiquances " HIV" " Hep-C " and acting out , car wecks ,exc.exc ,,, I would be drained even shed tears while I was doing this , give straight from the heart and never have to lie or make better any of my story of wwhear life has led me ,, to near self destruction, once I even had a loaded 12 gage shoot gun right out against my wife's head , my finger on the trigger ,,
the grase of God or what eever ,,,I walked away ,, threw the shells in the lake and gave away the gun the next day ,, haven't owned a wepon since that was twenty years ago , still untreated ,, me and my ex wife are friends today , she even said , she wishes she met me after my brake thru of what I now understand was the PTSD,, I share openly with anyone who needs or wants to know How I got thru Ptsd or survive d HIV Hep-C the treatment of the latter and how I stay sober ,,, I do these thing to help other asking for nothing in retun and I always come away with so much more ,,
enough out of me ,, you are in my thoughts an prayers
Beatle:kiss:

 

[batgirl]

Wow that's really brave of you to go and speak in public, telling your story. I have dreamed about doing something like that, but don't have the courage for it yet.

So you are HIV+ and Hep C+? I have a friend in BC who has that double diagnosis as well. He used to live on the street in Vancouver. He's doing really well now though. Actually he goes around speaking about it too! I admire his courage and yours too.

Well I'm exhausted. I am turning in for the night, have a good one!

 

[Mystic]

Anthony and Batgirl

First let me say that Batgirl I'm praying for you, and for those of your family that you've lost, including your father, who was a good man, who went into the Military and many many men do daily, and were taught to kill with no remorse, but what the Military tells them doesn't add up in the end because those who have seen and done things that are unspeakable, but they were ordered to do, will ALWAYS feel the pain and remember those incidences.

You keep on talking to us and to Anthony and you will understand, and I am understanding more reading the things that he has opened up about to you, about soldiers.

To Anthony:
This is what bothers me the most, this quote:

90% of therapists and shrinks are idiots, with nothing more than book smarts as their knowledge base, no real world experience or commonsense.

Because my friend, it's so true, it's frighteningly true. I myself studied psychology in college, and now that I'm faced with my lover having PTSD I have to dig around in what I still have left of what I know from studying all those nights a very long time ago. And it just doesn't do the job, I wasn't there where he was, I didn't see the things that he did, and I never will ever do the things that he was ordered to do. What a frustration.

 

[anthony]

Mystic, that is an interesting quote actually off mine. I guess in my words, what I am really saying though, is therapists are not actual idiots as such, but they don't have a clue what to do with PTSD. They are often very theory based, contextual type therapies, with very little real world experience or knowledge.

As you now know, book smarts are not going to do much for you in regard to counselling PTSD, or anything really, unless you have walked the path, or a similar path, where you can apply practical experience around the theoretical model. 90% of therapists just don't get this, and they think they know how to fix someone just from reading a book... it just doesn't work.

I must say though, I actually shouldn't have used "idiots", more "lack practical experience", because they are not realistically idiots... just blinded by theory and educators, opposed to real world experience.

My doctor once said to me, that he stopped reading long ago about the theoretical models of PTSD. He kept updated on anything off real relevance to him, otherwise discarded all the shit and he learnt from his patients how to help each of them, very similiar to what occurs here really, where we learn from each other and what works for one, may work for another, but then not the next person, or next... and so on.

I read all the BS that authors put out about PTSD, and let me say, that I can take 100 pages of reading and summate it in one page of solid information that fits commonsense and practical experience. The rest was merely a waste of my time, and if I even thought about taking up some of the things they state, I would still be a walking mess. Why? Therapists have rules, this forum doesn't in regard to healing. Therapists have legal liability, this forum doesn't, because we don't charge money nor pretend we are therapists, merely sufferers sharing their experience to hit the core root of PTSD and kick it in the arse. Hopefully others will take the experience known here from walking the path, adopt what is useful to them, and heal... share what they have done differently, so maybe another can use their experience, and so forth. This place is highly based on experience, which is loosely based around theoretical applications.

 

[batgirl]

First let me say that Batgirl I'm praying for you, and for those of your family that you've lost, including your father, who was a good man, who went into the Military and many many men do daily, and were taught to kill with no remorse, but what the Military tells them doesn't add up in the end because those who have seen and done things that are unspeakable, but they were ordered to do, will ALWAYS feel the pain and remember those incidences.

Thanks Mystic... I very much appreciate it. It's very, very seldom that anyone will say my father (or any of my family who are in the military) are good men. It doesn't seem to be politically correct anymore. There's a lot of peace protests and such, and I'm all for peace, but apparently being for peace also means you are required to be against our troops, at least where I'm living. My neighborhood has these giant cardboard yellow ribbons saying "Support Our Troops" and they are always getting vandalized by students. One of the reasons I had to leave university was because the peace coalition was everywhere and I felt very intimidated and triggered by them a lot of the time.

Anyways thanks again and I wish you all the best.