Puberty + ADHD = Hell.
I’ve done it 2 times, now... both going through it & parenting it. Wildly different experiences... supporting someone else who is having to relearn ALL their emotional monitoring and regulation (think terrible 2s, but with a body too big to pick up and put on timeout, they have to be the ones who decide to do what needs doing... which is as easy as deciding to stop having a panic attack, with a child’s brain). There will be meltdowns, there will be suicidal ideation, there will be depression and rage, there will be “flat affect” (as they’re suppressing wildly out of control emotions from expressing... not like disassociation where you don’t actially care, but where the facade you present is that you don’t care, whilst pure/raw/powerful emotions flood through you without pause or mercy), there will be flailing of all kinds... as they’re fighting to learn how to do what most people learned as toddlers, but with a brain self aware enough to be devastated and terrified by the sudden -and often random seeming- loss of self control.
Think your most dysregulated PTSD episode, with the absolute worst sensory overload, emotional overload, thoughts that won’t stop -or listen to reason- and that layer on top of each other... and then stretch it out for 1-7 years. Which is the rough period of time it takes someone to learn how to live that way. (Most people can learn the basics in 1-2 years, but added stressors are common, and stretch it out). Because ADHD doesn’t let up. There is no episode. It’s just life. So you have to learn 1,000 coping mechanisms to work with it, and around it, and practice them so assiduously they become so habitual you’re no longer overwhelmed by them. You can take a test, clean the house, go out with your friends, remember everything all on your list... at the same time as you’re having your worst panic attack, ever. (And people wonder why people with ADHD get distracted. LMAO. And that’s only part of it. :roflmao: Sensory issues, priorotizing thought streams, there is a LOT going on. But, speaking as a parent? It’s the emotional dysreg that’s the hardest to deal with at that age.).
If you DO take her on full time? If you’re not incrediably comfortable with managing ADHD... and it doesn’t sound like you are... I very strongly suggest twice weekly therapy. Once a week for her, once a week for the 3 of you as a family. At a minimum. For at least a few years. It’s an extremely intense disorder for toddlers, teens, & pregnant/menopausal women. The rest of the time? It’s 90% bonus! :D 10% pain in the ass :wtf: But those hormonal milestones? Are pure unadulterated hell. For everyone.
***
PS... There are GOOD things about ADHD, even during those intense years. But they’re another bonus of therapy, because they’re like Easter eggs if you aren’t familiar with the disorder. As just one example? Nerotypical kids you have to introduce things to slowly. Wait until they’ve mastered that, then add more. 1-2-3-4-5-6 etc. ADHD kids learn more on a percentage. If you’re waiting for them to do all 5 things on a list well, before giving them 6? They’ll almost never get to 6. Instead? You look at what their percentages are. 3 done amazing, 1 done okay, 1 done badly if at all? Double it. Give them 10 things. And you’ll see 6 done amazing, 2 done okay, and 2 done badly if at all. Give them 20? Same deal. But just like how you coax a neurotypical kid into 6-7-8-9-10 things? Instead of just jumping to 20 things, to get 10 done amazing, you can coax that 50/25/25 ratio into 70/15/15, 80/10/10 ...by changing up the content of the things you’re giving them to do to be “interesting” until their baseline starts to shift, and even the boring things are being accomplished better and more often. <<< What this (and other bonus! :D ADHD traits) looks like is whilst you’re dealinf with an overgrown toddler as far as their emotional monitoring and regulation goes? The flip side is an incrediably mature/confident/capable/amazing __________ (the blank is because it varies by interest & strengths, which vary kid by kid). These are kids who will be doing college level work in their academic interests (super interesting conversationalists), athletes competing at top levels &/or coaching others (and over the moon to include you, whilst the other kids are embarrassed of adults around), superdynamic & intuitive social magpies (again, including YOU in interpersonal dynamics other parents drool in envy over and wish they could have) ... the list is almost endless. The areas ADHD kids excel in? Are off the charts, and they have far more of an adult mindset/approach IDK it’s difficult to quantify. It’s a lot more like dealing with an adult sharing their passion with you, than a kid. And if you share that passion? OMFG. Adults often have a bit of a deer in headlights expression dealing with these kids in the beginning... because they’re having real conversations/debates/etc. instead of the “kid version”. Find a shared passion with an ADHD kid? Prepare to fall in love. Whether it’s fixing cars, movies, music, military history, dance, whatever ) when they’re given the encouragement and space to do so. Which makes them super-fun.... in addition to the super challenging :banghead::mad::wtf::banghead: parts. <<< Again, I really can’t underscore a great therapist enough, because punishing kids by taking away what they’re good at “until they earn it back” for example? Is like shouting and hitting someone having a panic attack. It doesn’t have the desired results. Even if shouting and hitting a neurotypical person just throwing a tantrum will get them to stop (or taking away sports until grades improve). But a great therapist? Makes everything a thousand times easier and more fun.
I loooooovee :inlove: ADHD kids. It’s a stone cold bitch to parent, and often requires the patience of a saint, but the rewards? Are just as off the charts as the challenges. Amazing kids, doing really hard things.
