Relationship Is he isolating and how do I deal with it?

[DDB]

Hi, new to this and not even sure it’s ptsd my man is dealing with but lots of threads here seem familiar.

Been dating off and on for a year and a half (off when he stopped replying to texts etc for months then as I didn’t give up eventually apologised and said he was ‘in a bad place’ blaming work stress - he’s ex military trying to start a new career that is difficult to get into and therefore struggling to define himself etc)

I’ve been so patient and supportive when work has taken him away for months ...was meant to finally meet 3 weeks ago after months apart and he cancelled last minute for work but haven’t heard from him since ...could poss be lack of comms from work but seen him online a little and feels too familiar like a repeat of last year. He’s met my daughter I’ve met his friends and going away together was planned (though he wouldn’t commit to dates) and now I feel abandoned and completely heartbroken again just as we were getting closer.

Totally in the dark; I’ve heard secondhand he has some ptsd but he’s never said it exactly to me as we haven’t had enough time together to properly talk. I thought we were so good together and at a point in our lives to be together. Last year I was so hurt and upset and sent texts saying so which he ignored; then I sent a really supportive one saying I’m here for him etc and eventually he responded but after weeks. This time I’m trying my best to leave him be but am desperate for contact and explanation and to know he’s ok.

What can I do? Not even sure if another text would send as think he switched off his phone or similar.?

 

[Freida]

What can I do?

Sufferer here
Oh ya - Isolation. It's my go to -- long before I knew I had ptsd. Not sure why hubby put up with it but after we set some ground rules it got a bit easier. Mostly texting I was ok. Got diagnosed and it got worse because diagnosis means facing your demons. If he had tried to stop me or smother me I would have bailed for good.

Isolation isn't about me. It's about him. I'm going to isolate - period. What will he put up with? We have set some more ground rules over the years and now I can even isolate at home some times (he pretends I'm not there).

So what can you do? Determine what you can live with. Because if he's not willing to go for help he won't change. And if he goes for help it's probably going to get worse for a long while before he gets better.

 

[DDB]

Thanks for your reply. We’re not long established though so it’s difficult to set ground rules when he won’t even contact me or acknowledge my attempts to contact. Easier for him to run for good I guess, but very cruel with no explanation, just as we were getting established.

I’ve heard ptsd can be very treatable, depending on individuals of course, but yes I need to speak with him to establish if help is a possibility for him. He can be so affectionate and loving, yet this other side to him is cold as stone and that’s very hard for me to take.

 

[Neverthesame]

it’s difficult to set ground rules when he won’t even contact me or acknowledge my attempts to contact.

It might be better to have this conversation with him before he isolates, while he's in a better head space.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

What can I do

Nothing. There is nothing anyone can do to help me during isolation times. Just take care of yourself. Practice good self care. Set boundries for yourself. Etc.

it’s difficult to set ground rules when he won’t even contact me or acknowledge my attempts to contact. Easier for him to run for good I guess,

You would want to do that after he comes back from isolation when he is in a much better place mentally anyway.

 

[DDB]

It might be better to have this conversation with him before he isolates, while he's in a better head space.

Of course. That’s what I’m not being given the chance to do. We’ve only had short times together I didn’t want to spoil; but if ever given the chance again I will have to try. Don’t know if any point in sending any kind of message supportive or letting him know how hurt I am. Trying to do neither for now and it’s been over 3 weeks since the job which was meant to be for a week?.

 

[Friday]

Is he isolating? Maybe.

There’s also a lot of people who simply date casually as their schedules (and time zones) permit. Hey... I’m going to be in Istanbul next week for 3 days, you’re in Rome, want to meet up? // I’ll be back home between jobs in June, want to get together?... I think the cliche/classic version of ^^^this^^^ is a sailor having “a girl in every port”... but I know a huuuuuuge number of people in different kinds of work who do this. Military, State Dept., NGO, Journalists, Flim, etc. Very few of them have “committed” relationships in different places (where they’re pretending to be in an exclusive relationship with multiple people who each think they’re the only one), that’s a whole different thing (as are people in committed relationships, no quotes, who simply travel for work). Casual daters simply have a short list of people that -if they’re nearby AND free- are fun to hang out with and have sex with.

So, I’d really question if it’s been a year and a half, and you go months without hearing from him -much less seeing him- exactly what kind of relationship this is. Because, at least to me, it reads a lot more like casual dating than isolating inside of a committed relationship.

 

[DDB]

Having met his long term friends who told me they’ve never known him to introduce a girlfriend to them except me, and for many other reasons I’m not willing to divulge this was not a casual relationship and neither am I dumb enough to fall for that type.

 

[Ronin]

Having met his long term friends who told me they’ve never known him to introduce a girlfriend to them except me

Which could be nothing, though.

Making exceptions to friends can be easy, friends just messing with a new girl can be easy, friends can be as clueless as the partner is, no meant manipulation present, etc.

& people who fall for that type arent dumb, either.

 

[joeylittle]

We’ve only had short times together I didn’t want to spoil; but if ever given the chance again I will have to try. Don’t know if any point in sending any kind of message supportive or letting him know how hurt I am. Trying to do neither for now and it’s been over 3 weeks since the job which was meant to be for a week?.

It sounds to me like you're nearing the end of your patience with him; my advice would be to follow your own gut. If it's emotionally better for you to keep him off your mind for the time being - then I'd say, yeah, no text. Just let it all stay in a kind of pause, until he resurfaces. Then, check back in with this thread to remind yourself of how you felt and your determination to have this convo with him.

On the other hand, if that's not what feels right - if you want to put your feelings out there - then it's OK to just be honest. It sounds like you are both supportive and hurt, and it's ok that it's complicated like that. In other words, you don't have to shape how you communicate in a way that will somehow increase your chances of getting the response you'd like. Ultimately, that's not going to help your happiness.

I could be misreading where you're at w/your patience level - so feel free to disregard :) Our site motto is "take what's useful, leave the rest."

All best to you.

 

[Friday]

and for many other reasons I’m not willing to divulge this was not a casual relationship

Fair enough.

Then is he isolating ...or // as opposed to what?

 

[Butterfly64]

Hi, new to this and not even sure it’s ptsd my man is dealing with but lots of threads here seem familiar.

Been dating off and on for a year and a half (off when he stopped replying to texts etc for months then as I didn’t give up eventually apologised and said he was ‘in a bad place’ blaming work stress - he’s ex military trying to start a new career that is difficult to get into and therefore struggling to define himself etc)

I’ve been so patient and supportive when work has taken him away for months ...was meant to finally meet 3 weeks ago after months apart and he cancelled last minute for work but haven’t heard from him since ...could poss be lack of comms from work but seen him online a little and feels too familiar like a repeat of last year. He’s met my daughter I’ve met his friends and going away together was planned (though he wouldn’t commit to dates) and now I feel abandoned and completely heartbroken again just as we were getting closer.

Totally in the dark; I’ve heard secondhand he has some ptsd but he’s never said it exactly to me as we haven’t had enough time together to properly talk. I thought we were so good together and at a point in our lives to be together. Last year I was so hurt and upset and sent texts saying so which he ignored; then I sent a really supportive one saying I’m here for him etc and eventually he responded but after weeks. This time I’m trying my best to leave him be but am desperate for contact and explanation and to know he’s ok.

What can I do? Not even sure if another text would send as think he switched off his phone or similar.?

Ex supporter here. Obviously you are going through hell and I am sorry for that. I left my sufferer in May after two years of push-pull. He suffers from CPTSD. We were friends for four years before we became involved, so I knew him quite well. Here is the thing...if your man suffers from PTSD the disappearing act is something you have to get used to. Does it suck..ohhhh yes! You have to take care of you...easier said that done. If you are not ready to give up on him, then don’t, but you are in for a bumpy ride. As for me....I should have left him a few months into in...but I didn’t....blind with love. It doesn’t matter how much you educate yourself on PTSD...if he is not ready to listen, communicate or work with you...then you will just feel worse and worse until you are ready to give up. I am sorry to have to say that...I know it is painful ?