PTSD plus criminal conviction - no help

[Billym]

Hello everyone.

I briefly came to this site 4 years ago feeling very down, sorry I was unable to stick around.
My original post is here Feel Like Ending It All

In 2016 things began to look promising. My new partner wanted to move to the UK to open a business. She did and it is doing well.

Problem is, she now wants to go back to the states to be with her grandchildren. She does not know I have a conviction or what happened to me in the Youth detention center. I`m feeling very stressed out right now, I can`t concentrate on anything. I have been to the States numerous times on the Esta visitor visa, clicking no to have you ever committed a crime of moral turpitude. I have now found out moral turpitude covers every type of criminal charge in the states, not a sex type crime I originally thought It means, I`ve committed visa fraud multiple times, although not knowing I did. Now if I apply for a visa to live there, I may be permanently banned. I`m sick with worry. All this on top of my usual traumatic memories is destroying me again.

I don`t know if I should tell her about my abuse and the problems it has caused. To her, I seem a strong guy but inside it is tearing me apart.

When I was convicted, I foolishly thought I was agreeing to a very minor thing, only to be sentenced with guilt by association, meaning I was there, I played a part, therefor guilty of everything. My counselor explained that the Magdalena effect probably took over and my decisions were made on fear and survival instict. Anyway, I eventually applied for leave to appeal by myself. It was refused.

When I read the reasons why I was mortified. The prosecution had accepted I only got a pint of beer, I always maintained I never knew the others were stealing or that I helped them in any way. The reason I was rejected, in my pre sentence which I was never allowed to read said.... once I knew what they were doing, I went along with it. I never ever said this. Somehow the probation officer got it wrong. We were told that we would be sentenced on each individuals involvement, so why would I jeopardise this by saying I went along with it. The probation has said there is nothing they can do now. My barrister at the sentencing was a stand in who knew nothing about me or the case, if he had, he would have seen the conflicting probation report. So now I`m stuck with a conviction that is going to ruin the rest of my life.

I`ve had quite a bit of counseling, it has helped me overcome my fears of being in confined spaces, figures of authority etc. This did not matter to the appeal judge though. I represented myself, although they only allowed me a few minutes. HE said, you say you are afraid of courtrooms etc, yet here you are today standing before us, making out I did not have a problem or I was lying. He then dismissed it quoting the incorrect admission from the probation report.

I`ve written to numerous organisations etc asking for help or advice, they all draw a blank, no one cares.

So, here I am, still dealing with my nightmare plus these added problems. I don`t see a happy ending for me.

Sorry to go on, I just feel so alone and fearful of what the future will be.

Billy.

 

[LuckiLee]

Sorry for what you're going through right now. I don't have any advice but maybe @Friday does. She's our world traveler around here.

Good luck I hope you find the help you need.

 

[Billym]

Thanks Luckilee.

It is soul destroying when people in power don't believe you, even though my police statement confirmed I was telling the truth about what happened to me as a kid. The Ministry of Justice has accepted it happened too but these judges are a law until themselves, looking down on me as though I`m a piece of rubbish.

I had lived my nightmare most of my life never knowing I had PTSD until late 2013 when I was diagnosed. Then things made sense.

 

[Survivor3]

I have a criminal conviction. I tried to commit suicide with a knife in my parents house. Because a fight broke out with my father I was still holding the knife and as the police were called was convicted of attempted murder. Not a good situation by any means. Stay strong and do the best that you can S3.

 

[Billym]

Thanks Survivor 3, hope you're coping ok.
The police are quick to charge but not helpful in righting a wrong.

 

[Survivor3]

Thanks Survivor 3, hope you're coping ok.
The police are quick to charge but not helpful in righting a wrong.

I know, stay strong my friend.

 

[Deanna]

I have a conviction or what happened to me in the Youth detention center.

In the USA.. Juvenile records are sealed.. Does this not apply to you as well?

 

[Ronin]

So I assume you also tried any organisations working in prisoner/convicts rights?

Would something make it possible for you to disclose things to your partner?

& Nah, dont go the ending route, at all. You are facing difficulties, lot more than many other people but that aint the end of your life.

So slow down bit: Your most pressing concern right now would be...?
Things can be worked through. Slow down, for now.

 

[Billym]

In the USA.. Juvenile records are sealed.. Does this not apply to you as well?

It's not my juvenile record that's the problem, I got arrested in 2011 for being out boozing with others who stole from some pubs. I never admitted to being any part of it but due to pressure, I agreed to plead guilty to accepting a pint of beer. Got a 12 month suspended sentence which is like a noose around my neck.

So I assume you also tried any organisations working in prisoner/convicts rights?

Would something make it possible for you to disclose things to your partner?

& Nah, dont go the ending route, at all. You are facing difficulties, lot more than many other people but that aint the end of your life.

So slow down bit: Your most pressing concern right now would be...?
Things can be worked through. Slow down, for now.

I`ve tried every organisation i can find. Most help people in prison or for crimes they deem excessive. Mine is so punitive they don`t want to know but the effect it has is major. The establishment has me labelled as a criminal etc.

My time is running out with my partner. I can`t avoid the visa questions for much longer. I`m scared if I tell her, she will see it as me lying to her all these years, wasting her life and leaving me. I`m thinking of every scenario possible, every excuse, every possible outcome, usually a bad one. My head feels like it is going to explode. I can`t concentrate or be bothered to do my self employed work, I mope around the house, I`m searching for help online and getting nowhere. I`ll then start cleaning or gardening, easy things to distract me.
I know I was stitched up at court, but proving your innocence without cast iron proof seems impossible. The establishment close ranks and deny any fault on their behalf.

I`m stuck and can`t see a way out.

 

[Ronin]

I`m stuck and can`t see a way out.

You have one way out of at least something, right there: The gutting you what ifs about your relationship & your partners reaction.

Right now you have no way of knowing, and the doubts & scenarios may be totally different from her reaction. Where if you tell her, you can work with something real. Not your fears and anxiety that just rises and rises. The actual truth of how she takes you, right now, and what she wishes from this point. Difficult truths, but still better than the uncertainty and not having them.

 

[Billym]

Thanks Ronin. I have thought about what you`ve suggested. In my own head, I always see the unhappy ending but I`ll never know until I say something.
I just need to build up the courage and think of a way to tell her.

No one knows about my abuse (except police and counselor) Everyone sees a different me, a strong person who always helps others etc. To this day, I still think people won't believe what happened to me, even though it has been confirmed by the statement I gave the police. I just feel ashamed of it all, the way my life has been.

Thanks for the support. I wish I could offer support to others on here but I`m not in the right place yet.

 

[scout86]

If you haven't, you should probably discuss this with an a attorney who knows US immigration law. Honestly, you should probably discuss it with your partner too. My personal experience has been that I worry about what people I care about are going to think and how they're going to react a LOT. When I finally have the conversation, it usually goes WAY better than I imagined and it's a huge relief to have had it. In the rare event that it goes badly, that's usually because it wasn't a relationship that was all that good in the first place.