My mother doesn’t know why women cry about being raped.

[Justmehere]

A store employee mentioned they knew of my trauma history from a newspaper. I am “that girl.” Told me their opinions. Fairly degrading. I left and -la while later it caught up with me and I was crying. My mother called. I stupidly answered the phone.

“I don’t know why you would cry about that. Why would you be crying?”

I was furious. “You really don’t know why someone would cry about rape and kidnapping? Are you serious?!?”

“Why are you now angry at me?!”

“Because I’m super crazy idiot who is mentally ill.”

I hung up and texted her about why women cry about rape and kidnapping.

She responded well I wasn’t there and I don’t know the details of your rape and I don’t know what you would cry about it.

The perp was convicted. She was there when he confessed to all the details.

Several rounds of texts and she kept asking why would I cry about it. I told her go get a therapist to tell you. I even told her I cry because I’m mentally ill. I started listing insults about myself. I don’t know why. I think I just lost it.

She kept going. Kept asking what is wrong with me because she wouldn’t cry. I told her I don’t care what she would do.

I replied to ask why she has no empathy? Why is she cruel? Why has she deemed no woman should ever be given a moment to cry because she must witness the rape first hand before she will understand why a woman cries when reminded of it. I started asking her back if she is a sociopath and that’s why she has no empathy.
Ok soo this was not a functional interaction. I have no plans for further contact at this time.

But I can’t seem to find a way to handle this. Before I usually just ended contact when she gets this nasty like this. It’s not a “help me understand” question. She has said before that she does this to try to help me understand that the problem is me and then I would ever cry about it because it doesn’t change anything and she has to be able to see the trauma happen because she so stupi she has said before that she does this to try to help me understand that the problem is me and then I would ever cry about it because it doesn’t change anything and she has to be able to see the trauma happen before she can validate that a response is acceptable.

What is wrong with her? What am I even supposed to do about this anymore? What the f is wrong with my mother?

She is a trauma survivor. Much more severe than me. Maybe that’s why she is this way. I don’t know. I don’t care. I wish she would leave me alone about this I’m never allowed to ever had a feeling about anything I am just to be completely m she is a trauma survivor. Much more severe than me. Maybe that’s why she is this way. I don’t know. I don’t care. I wish she would leave me alone about this I’m never allowed to ever had a feeling about anything I am just to be completely flat or here comes the oh god I don’t know why that would bother you. She doesn’t know why being raped or being reminded of being raped would ever bother me what is wrong with me how could I be bothered by it.

I can’t take it anymore!

I’m thinking about writing people she knows that are family friends who are therapists that can help her understand why women cry about rape or to at least shut up about it. I know we could also and ties with her but I’m not ready to do that. I want to do something to help her understand. Maybe I could send her photos from the evidence file of what was done to my body? Maybe that would help her out? I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t take it anymore.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'm sorry she doesn't understand and is incapable of support and empathy. That must be incredibly hurtful. I'm curious to know if she cries about other things?

Sending support and strength to make the right choices for YOU.

 

[MrMoonlight]

It's really terrible that she would treat you that way. I think maybe setting a hard boundary with your mother would help. I agree with LuckiLee that right now she seems incapable for whatever reason of giving you empathy or support. Maybe her way of loving you is shown in other areas?

 

[Justmehere]

She does cry, not often. She’s pretty flat and dissociated most of the time.

My grandmother (her mother) was the same, but even colder. Testified against her own father at age 8 and he went away to prison for a long time for the sexual abuse he caused. She was a strange cookie. No empathy. None. She would laugh too far when anyone else was in pain. She married a horribly abusive man that traumatized my mother who also married an abusive man...

I am not that way. I have the opposite problem. I have been told by my mother that even as a baby I will feel everyone else’s emotions in addition to my own. Babies are supposed to be sponges. I’m not like that as an adult but I still read : pick up on emotional states too much. I remember trying to explain others emotions to my mother as a young kid. Sometimes she gets it. Most of the time she doesn’t. It’s not a curious kind of not knowing but that everyone else is beneath her.

I wish we could just agree to disagree. But she won’t leave it alone. Yeah, I know, I could hold boundaries... I have in the past where all conversations where she asks “why” like this, without genuine curiosity, means the conversation is over.

She’s been texting me all week that I’m acting crazy. She’s kind of gaslit me as a child. It’s not very elegant. She’s got little in terms of social skills. Really basic stuff is hard for her.

I know this. And I still stupidly told her what was said.

Someone saying, “I’m sorry that happened” about the dumbass comment about the trauma would have been so helpful.

I’m worried because I don’t want to end up like my mother and grandmother. Over the past 10 months, it’s like something in me has gone cold.

She does show love in other ways. Gifts and time. She does try. That’s why we have a relationship. She does try.

I can’t talk to her right now. It sets off a lot of self hate that is dragging me very dark places. I don’t even know how to talk to her. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore.

 

[ladee]

I'm going thru 'second generation' shaming for having feelings about my trauma. I understand how you are feeling. But why would you questions.... that even if we answer we are not heard.

Hopefully you will work on getting your feelings out. No shame and shut down going on here!! That insensitive person who labelled you 'that girl' was being blindsided. Of course, things were going to come flooding back. I am so sorry you are having to now fiend off unwanted questions.

We can speculate all day long why mom does or says anything. But the bottom line is, if she is not seeking out understanding, all the pro's in the world will not open her mind and heart.

So put that healthy distance. And cry cry and then cry some more. We understand why you are crying and that's why you are here. Because we do know why you would cry.

Sending hugs of understanding and healing for you.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Seems like your mom chooses not to understand you because any human can understand violence and suffering. Maybe she is trying to minimize or she just can't handle understanding?

 

[Justmehere]

If I simply let this interaction go, and pretend like it never happened, and never bring this up again, in three or four days I could call her and we could have a normal-ish conversation about the weather.

I doubt she had much capacity to understand.

That insensitive person who labelled you 'that girl' was being blindsided.

They said I was that girl that blah blah balhbity blah... it was degrading. I told her, “I’m sorry. I thought it was 2019 and we don’t talk that way anymore.” She went on. I told her, “It appears you didn’t get the the memo he confessed and was convicted. You also apparently didn’t get the memo that my vagina and who did what to it when is absolutely none of your business.”

Wtf is wrong with me?!?

It’s actually pretty unlike me to say that. I usually turn gossip and rumor into a really off joke. “So you enjoy gossip do you? Well did you hear the rumor that the CIA is keeping aliens in my backyard too? And the rumor that I have green eyes in the back of my head?” (Turn around for effect) “No? Well maybe you shouldn’t take rumor as gospel truth eh?” The person usually gets the point without feeling too bad.

I really don’t run into it very often. It’s fairly rare. But when I do it hurts.

I totally didn’t expect it there of all places.

I did what I needed to do and walked out with dignity, but it caught up with me.

 

[Deanna]

I can't cry either ( I cried with everything I had, over my partners death) anymore. I agree with Mr. Moonlight, your mother is trying to minimize your pain. She's not saying, don't cry.. She's saying.. I see you hurting and it hurts me.

..

 

[ladee]

I see nothing wrong with your response to the insensitive person who brought this up. I look at things like this with the view of, those people are so unconscious,(or they wouldn't have said anything to begin with) that whatever you say goes right over their head and you got to release some hurt, fear and embarrassment for the whole insensitive ordeal.

It's when we hold all that in that it hurts us even more. I am sorry this happened but sounds like other than your mother and her own issues, you handled it much better than I would have.

Be true to yourself. Hope things settle down some for you and you get on solid footing again. Heart hugs.

 

[LuckiLee]

"Healthy distance". I like it. (@ladee)

Has she ever dealt with her own trauma? Is she still in a abusive relationship and/or toxic environment? If she thinks you shouldn't cry then what does she think you should do? (I'd love to give her a good talking to! lol)

It sounds like she doesn't understand you're pain. (Which is strange to me because of her own abuse) So any conversations about it with her will be triggering to you. I'd stay clear of them. Gonna have to set the big boundary. "I will not discuss this with you if you say or ask inappropriate things. I will stop the conversation immediately". (Or however you do it, I'm still learning ?)

If she's a good mom in other ways and you want to have a relationship with her? You're right. Somehow you are going to agree to disagree (at least until she gets a clue!!!) ?

The dysfunction and abuse in J's family goes back a long way too. It can take generations to change that. I love it that you and J are the ones starting the change. (There are some things going on now in his family and I'm over here going, "is this real"? "I can't believe these are grow ass people"? They don't even notice the depth of the dysfunction. It's just their "normal" You're trying to get healthy and mom is??? It's like an alcoholic. You can't stop drinking if you're still hanging out in bars with the same people etc.... (Dang. This hits close to home) You have to make drastic changes.

I hope you and mom can come up with a solution. I know you'll think of something. Good luck, @Justmehere .

I hope this made some kind of sense. I took some Tylenol p.m. and should probably be in bed.

 

[scout86]

Wtf is wrong with m

Compared to the people who keep crossing your path? Not all that much.

There was a point where, using some ideas learned from my T, when I put together the fact that mother was crazy. My T says that term lacks specificity, but she was never diagnosed. It just helped to know she was crazy and that's what things didn't make sense.

Your mother is what she is. I wish she could be more than that, but it's not likely happen. My best guess is she deals with her own trauma with denial and minimizing. If she recognized and acknowledged someone else's trauma, there's a good chance her own carefully constructed facade would crumble and she's not going to risk that.

 

[ladee]

^^^^^What @scout86 said!