Relationship Overcoming the barriers caused by emotional numbing

[Respectfully1979]

Hi,
I am keen to find out what experiences partners have had with a sufferer who is prone to emotional numbness. We have only been together for a relatively short space of time, came back from holiday and his symptoms had a massive resurgence and understandably he pushed me out. This was six weeks ago and we have since messaged a bit and he has indicated that he is very susceptible to emotional numbness, which further explains things somewhat. Bearing in mind that a healthy relationship is built on love and happy emotions, is there any way a partner can find a way of 'getting through'? By all accounts his ex wasn't very understanding, whereas I am the opposite and hope that in the long run we can find a way of working together as a team. I know a lot of this will depend on the individuals, but is any of this doable? This is all so new to me, so I am aware that I have a lot to figure out, but trying to work out the types of relationships out there and how PTSD affects them... Tks

but trying to work out the types of relationships out there and how PTSD affects them

what I mean by this is, does anyone have any experience where their sufferer has given their supporter an 'in' and a chance for them to work on it together. Right now, I'm 100% on the outside looking in...

 

[Sweetpea76]

The thing is, emotional numbing is a symptom. It’s not something you can work on as a couple, it’s going to be something he has to work through in his treatment and healing process.

I know it’s frustrating. Isolation and emotional numbing can really throw you for a loop because it’s the exact opposite of what happens in a “typical” romantic relationship.

 

[Respectfully1979]

The thing is, emotional numbing is a symptom. It’s not something you can work on as a couple, it’s going to be something he has to work through in his treatment and healing process.

I know it’s frustrating. Isolation and emotional numbing can really throw you for a loop because it’s the exact opposite of what happens in a “typical” romantic relationship.

Okay. It’s slowly starting to come clearer. I’ve been working on myself and moving forward with my life in the meantime. Also made I clear that I wanted to stand by him and for him to say if I am misleading myself or he wanted me to walk away. It’s all so tricky when you can only message. I’m hoping that one day we will get to catch up in person and establish boundaries etc. I’m assuming that some conversations should really be done in person? I don’t want to scare him off by trying to have a serious conversation over text?

I’ve been wondering if I should suggest (gently of course) the idea of catching up. He lives 1.5 hours away and I can’t just pop by. Is it best to leave this to him to suggest? I guess the reason I’m not being braver and just asking him is fear of him saying no, but you don’t ask, you don’t get...

 

[Respectfully1979]

@Sweetpea76 been reading the ‘what are they thinking’ thread which has been really useful!

 

[Respectfully1979]

I’ve been wondering if I should suggest (gently of course) the idea of catching up. He lives 1.5 hours away and I can’t just pop by. Is it best to leave this to him to suggest? I guess the reason I’m not being braver and just asking him is fear of him saying no, but you don’t ask, you don’t get...

Just read something from a sufferer on this - might leave it to him to make this move... I know everyone’s different and we need to find our own way, but I’d rather let him make the moves when he’s ready to try and reconnect. Just fearful of pushing him away...

 

[Sweetpea76]

It’s so individual... there really is no “right” thing to say or do. All you can do is be honest and say what you really mean.

For instance, a lot of supporters will say “I am fine with giving space” when really they’re not in the least but fine with it at all.

I’d say rather than worry about setting boundaries and expectations with him, the best thing to do now is have a good, hard honest talk with yourself. What do you need in a relationship? What makes you happy? Are you OK with being on your own a lot?

We all have to have these conversations with ourselves.

 

[Respectfully1979]

It’s so individual... there really is no “right” thing to say or do. All you can do is be honest and say what you really mean.

For instance, a lot of supporters will say “I am fine with giving space” when really they’re not in the least but fine with it at all.

I’d say rather than worry about setting boundaries and expectations with him, the best thing to do now is have a good, hard honest talk with yourself. What do you need in a relationship? What makes you happy? Are you OK with being on your own a lot?

We all have to have these conversations with ourselves.

I’ll give myself some time to think about these questions and see what I come up with. I’ve been journaling a lot and know the benefits of writing it all down. Thanks @Sweetpea76

 

[Mach123]

This is another way of saying something I wrote a long post about recently. Sex is the only thing I feel. I recall when I started exersize and the body rushes I'd get. Then I thought the part of me that was repressed didn't allow me to feel certain things. Then I realized I couldn't feel anything. When I repressed that part of me I had repressed everything, which was why my first trauma therapist said "you can't feel your feelings in your body." This is still true I'm pretty sure. I told my therapist I wanted to work on this but she's just had an accident and is out which probably means I'm onto something. : )

 

[Respectfully1979]

@Sweetpea76 Quick question... I've just heard from a friend of his who said that he seems to be doing okay and getting on with things. My partner said that he's not really opened up to anyone about what he's going through at the moment. Would it be expected that to some friends he would seem okay(ish), but for him to still keep me at a distance? Could this be because of the nature of our relationship and the emotions attached?

 

[Respectfully1979]

For instance, a lot of supporters will say “I am fine with giving space” when really they’re not in the least but fine with it at all.

Yep this is a tricky one. I think I would be better with it if I had seen some of this coming, but I’m sure a lot of people say this! No contact for six weeks - only very minimal short text messages here and there, in some cases two weeks apart. I reckon I’m doing a pretty good job given the circumstances. Just have to keep plodding along for now and see what happens. Thanks for all your advice! Helps a lot!

 

[Respectfully1979]

@Freida I’ve been following a lot of the posts that you comment in and it really is incredibly insightful and helpful hearing it from the other perspective. I know that you have also said that you’ve benefited from hearing from supporters about how it is for them. Would this be something that you would recommend to other sufferers? I’m wondering if the time ever comes that I might point my SO (ex-forces) towards some of the threads on here. It seems as though so much of whatever either party is going through is either completely not known or misinterpreted. Keen to get your thoughts if you’re happy to share? ?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Would it be expected that to some friends he would seem okay(ish), but for him to still keep me at a distance? Could this be because of the nature of our relationship and the emotions attached?

A lot of sufferers are experts at putting up a good exterior front, especially with people who do not know them well. It’s harder when somebody knows them well enough to know that they’re really not doing OK.

Romantic relationships are also stress. They come with responsibility, expectations, and feelings. Casual friendships do not.