Different patterns and why we have a hard time changing our roles

[candor]

I've identify some thinking patterns we can all recognize. Please don't discuss the appropriateness of the name I have chosen for each mentality. Instead, I would like you to consider if there is a mentality that is dominant for you when you are in a relationship. Then I would like to ask if there is some reason that you cannot change this way of thinking and what is keeping you from changing these thoughts?

The I can't be in a relationship mentality:

I can't worry about you or assume any responsibility for how you may be feeling and when you make me feel shame and blame me for being selfish, I can't do this.What do you expect from me?

I just want to scream.



The Victim mentality:

how can he ghost me for 4 months and not even mention the fact that he wished he could have been there for me when I needed him.


The new age mentality:

Don't worry about me and I won't feel responsible for you. I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness. As long as we find a common ground to mutually respect each other, I am ok and trust that your intensions are good. I don't like to see you suffer but accept that you will find a path that suits you best.



The altruistic mentality:

As long as you are happy and acknowledge my generosity, I really feel good about me. If you feel bad, I sure hope you can communicate how I can change things around for you so I can succeed at making you feel better and therefore I feel better myself.

 

[Mach123]

I was just writing about this lol. You know you are in trouble when you preface your remarks with "don't do this or that about what I'm saying." : ) I hide in my diary. Thanks, I have many of the same feelings maybe exactly?

 

[Tinyflame]

Could it be that all those are extremes, and based on context, and relationship, and relationship safety +/ or depth? I mean, for example, no one can 'make' you feel anything, though they can provoke. So we do have to manage ourselves. But in a more thoughtful relationship, there is caring how we impact on each other. And (but) to extend these thoughts to unsafe people, isn't always the best route for survival (get devoured in the process). And there are several reasons in truth that a relationship is perceived as too stressful, and indeed legitimate to not want to link someone to your challenges or grief. (And) it's painful to not get the support you define as being necessary for a quality relationship. (And) people really do have to be authentic, and follow their own path. And being altruistic could be people pleasing, or bad boundaries (or avoiding pain), but also simply enjoyable, or important for relationship development, esp if the people are safe. Etc.

So perhaps it's about core beliefs, and capabilities, and emotions, and redefining expectations or definitions of roles? What we all are, no matter what is 'human'.

(I hope I understood the question or observation correctly. :rolleyes: :( )

 

[candor]

My apologies for being unclear. Regardless of whether we are sufferers, supporters or both, I have observed that in general more people have become aware that we need to be mindful of stress levels. The way we think about relationships will raise or lower those stress levels. I have tried to give some examples. In my first example, the person rejects the whole idea of having a relationship and focuses on his own needs. So if you identify most with this role at the present moment, what would it take to disprove this theory of yours that relationships don’t work for you? In my altruist example, the person will yo-yo up and down and mimic the other person’s mood. Do you catch yourself doing this and what do you need to stop? In my victim example, the person blames the other person rather than taking the steps needed to feel better. The new age does the opposite. This person assumes complete responsibility for their emotions and is capable of keeping the other person out of the equation. This person is also most likely to walk away from the relationship if it doesn’ t feel right without feeling too attached. I myself have been all of these persons at one time or another. This is completely normal to think and feel differently at different times. But sometimes we can get stuck for years and years in some role. Staying stuck might not be that healthy. What would it take to get unstuck and what might have gotten you stuck to begin with?

 

[Sideways]

Um, I’m squarely in the “I can’t be in a relationship right now” mentality.

Certainly I think I’ll be ‘stuck’ there for many years.

But, I don’t see why that’s a problem I need to work on changing. Because...I don’t want to be in a relationship right now...:confused:

 

[Friday]

I would like you to consider if there is a mentality that is dominant for you when you are in a relationship.

Nope.

There have been times I’ve repeated the same patterns over and over, again. But none of the ones listed.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm all about communication. Today, so many people have the "me" attitude, take, take, take and when you run out of time/$/energy to give or they don't get what they think you should be giving them.....you are worthless to them. There was never a real, caring relationship....unless the other guy was getting something more than just a loving relationship. Isolating-don't worry about me-I won't worry about you.....is a safety thing or a I don't care thing.....Indifference is the most hateful of all behaviors......and does the most damage to relationships for the long term, in my opinion because it is long term. The bottom line, if there isn't regular, respectful communication, kindness and courteousy......you have shit for that relationship. It doesn't matter who it is-daughter, husband, parent, friend....... shit behavior is shit behavior.....and yeah....you'll get hurt by those who don't know how to be kind and communicate in relationships. it hurts when you are on the receiving end.

Call it whatever name you like, being ghosted, forgotten, the abused one, or the dog people kick and call crazy and you react....when they need emotional kicks......hurt is what lies at the end of all of it, and it is worse if the person "in theory" ever said they loved you....or by society's standards, was in a supportive or family role-you feel pretty alone and will be reassessing your relationships if you are consciously evaluating them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would like you to consider if there is a mentality that is dominant for you when you are in a relationship.

I think every relationship is different- it depends on the interaction and treatment of each other, and the history. So, for me, no. There can be predominant or repeating fears, but that's all I can think of. I can't be a different person at my core than I am. I can make different decisions, but that's been a whole life-long process, vs being stuck. Maybe stuck as a term refers to much more than it seems on the superficial surface?

 

[Lionheart]

I’m squarely in the “I can’t be in a relationship right now” mentality.
But, I don’t see why that’s a problem I need to work on changing. Because...I don’t want to be in a relationship right now...:confused:

This!!! I believe that I feel the same way as Sideways.

I personally think that relationships are a lot of work. I don't know that I am prepared for an intimate relationship with anyone. Although I want to have a close relationship with someone, I certainly don't feel that I need a relationship. I have been single for the greater part of the past 20 years and while I do get lonely at times, I am happy to go on being single. Perhaps though, I just haven't met the right one for me. Maybe that will change, I don't know.

 

[Tinyflame]

The way we think about relationships will raise or lower those stress levels.

I think the interaction and communication itself is what actually raises or lowers the stress levels, and influences then what we think about the relationship (or relationships all together) and what emotions we feel. Then we will often choose what avoids the most pain, and is within how we think life is to be lived, or how we'd prefer to live it, or the only ways we know how to live it.

 

[candor]

I live in Denmark. 44% here live alone. Half do not want to ever change that. It is certainly less stressful. The divorce rate is 60%. Men tend to complain about the lack of intimacy, sex and difficulty in finding wives. 70,000 men in relationships have filed physical abuse from women. More and more Eu countries are making emotional abuse a crime with up to three year penalty. Everyone here talks about boundaries. The stats also show that the higher level of education, the more we tend to reason that we do not do well in relationships. This makes me think that it is the way we think about relationships that are causing society to change. Even Latin countries are changing the way they think. It's not a right or wrong thing but it definitely makes life more difficult for those who want to share.

 

[TruthSeeker]

This!!! I believe that I feel the same way as Sideways.

I personally think that relationships are a lot of work. I don't know that I am prepared for an intimate relationship with anyone. Although I want to have a close relationship with someone, I certainly don't feel that I need a relationship. I have been single for the greater part of the past 20 years and while I do get lonely at times, I am happy to go on being single. Perhaps though, I just haven't met the right one for me. Maybe that will change, I don't know.

I'm single seeing this "relationship concept" thing differently ...maybe. Single is nice and controlling....I can do what I want and I don't have to check in, ask a partner/husband, or consider anyone but me. But I don't think single is optimal without a real close friend.

My best friend and I are in a close, caring relationship. She lives a ways away and has been a tried and true friend, and stuck with me in my worst. I didn't have a husband that communicated and behaved respectful-quite the opposite.....and I've concluded being single, I don't need a partner, I believe I am a better person having good friends who treat me with respect, compassion, and consideration and who communicate with me because they want to know my feelings on different matters and just because they care. This is as intimate as it gets.....no sex in this relationship, but we love each other and I'd trust her with my life. She has a significant other.....so it's a relationship based on a deep family like friendship....she's the sister I never had. I believe I do need one quality relationship like this because it gives me a sense of security....the security I did not have growing up or in both of my x-husband relationships. It provides a model for other relationships I try to make....I was once bad at choosing people to hang with....I had not been taught how. Having someone in my life whom I can trust with my life.....provided to me is reassuring...a kind of security. She doesn't have to live with me or sleep with me to have make me feel this way......just consider me important enough to be there when things fall to shit, support me, and keep in touch.....and do fun things, making positive memories. I think this kind of intimacy is far superior and fulfilling than any marriage. (Too bad my marriage wasn't like this, though...)