Obsession with the Ex

[BlueBerry6999]

@Sideways : Of course, you are absolutely right. I just started the fear inventory yesterday and it says you have to always form sentences with "I" and not with "he, she, they".
So, I actually did that and it made me realize a lot of things. I tend to idealize my boyfriend. He's so nice and caring to everybody around him, but if he lets people take advantage of that, it's on him too. I always felt like she deserved to be punished for her actions, but if he chose not to do that, it's his responsibility. And since I wasn't even in their lives back then, it's none of my business. If I had too high expectations of what my first love was supposed to be like, that's on me. Everybody has a history and if I had met a different man back then, he might still have emotional scars from past relationships. Most people have.
My biggest problem is lack of self esteem and a fear to not be good enough. The fear that I might never live up to what she was to my boyfriend. That's my problem of course.
It's just difficult to find back to who I am because I have made decisions for the wrong reasons all my life. It's like I told my bf last time we talked about this: If I weren't obsessing over her, I would probably be obsessing about something or someone else.

@candor : very well explained! I always hear that thoughts create our whole world, but of course that doesn't mean that they ARE us. I find it very hard to find the balance between pushing thoughts and emotions down and obsessing. For the last two years, I have always tried to think positive and not put myself down. For a while, that worked and I felt happier, but then unexpected panic attacks always came up and made me realize that there are things deep down inside of me, that I cannot just "think" away. Whenever I tried to face them though, I started thinking about them too much until I was obsessing. And then I tried the positive thinking again. And so on.

Right now I feel too exhausted and overwhelmed and don't even know where to start. I decided to file for unemployment benefits so I don't have to worry about money and finding a job in between trying to work on myself. Though that kind of makes me feel like I can't achieve anything.

I'm very glad to hear that you seem to be winning against your obsession! :) That makes me happy for you and also hopeful...

 

[Sideways]

My biggest problem is lack of self esteem and a fear to not be good enough.

Can I high five you? Because this literally got me smiling for you:)

That probably sounds weird, but you have got to this just through be open here and working through this stuff with an open mind - that’s a big deal, it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are, it really does.

And it’s exactly what I was thinking. All this obsessing over her? I was hearing complete lack of self esteem from you. You are worthy of being loved - by this guy, or whoever you choose. You have value, you have worth. And the decisions you make about your relationship? Shouldn’t be based on anyone other than that - what is important to you? Where do you want to live? What do you value? What kind of girlfriend do you want to be?

By hyperfocusing on an ex? You aren’t putting anywhere near enough value on yourself, and what you bring to this relationship. It isn’t about needing to be better than her, or be the opposite of her. She’s irrelevant in this equation, yeah? The only person that matters here is you - not her, or any other relationship he’s had in the past. You are good enough, just as you are, without being better than, or distinctly different to, anyone else.

That’s a great big self acceptance hurdle that you can definitely work through with a T. Finding a way to value yourself, and genuinely seeing yourself as worthy of a loving relationship, just as you are.

So yeah, high fives on that. So many people wouldn’t have had the insight to see that, let alone the guts to own that.

And you’re worthy of getting help with that. You deserve to love yourself, accept yourself, just as you are. And when you do that? It will strengthen the relationships you have with people that truly value you. Starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Can I high five you? Because this literally got me smiling for you:)

That probably sounds weird, but you have got to this just through be open here and working through this stuff with an open mind - that’s a big deal, it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are, it really does.

And it’s exactly what I was thinking. All this obsessing over her? I was hearing complete lack of self esteem from you. You are worthy of being loved - by this guy, or whoever you choose. You have value, you have worth. And the decisions you make about your relationship? Shouldn’t be based on anyone other than that - what is important to you? Where do you want to live? What do you value? What kind of girlfriend do you want to be?

By hyperfocusing on an ex? You aren’t putting anywhere near enough value on yourself, and what you bring to this relationship. It isn’t about needing to be better than her, or be the opposite of her. She’s irrelevant in this equation, yeah? The only person that matters here is you - not her, or any other relationship he’s had in the past. You are good enough, just as you are, without being better than, or distinctly different to, anyone else.

That’s a great big self acceptance hurdle that you can definitely work through with a T. Finding a way to value yourself, and genuinely seeing yourself as worthy of a loving relationship, just as you are.

So yeah, high fives on that. So many people wouldn’t have had the insight to see that, let alone the guts to own that.

And you’re worthy of getting help with that. You deserve to love yourself, accept yourself, just as you are. And when you do that? It will strengthen the relationships you have with people that truly value you. Starting with the relationship you have with yourself.

Well that just made me tear up... Thank you, reading your reply really hit a nerve.
I have tried the 'love yourself-thing' before, but it never worked out. I feel like often my brain and heart are completely disconnected from each other. I can know something but not believe it at the same time. I can tell myself for weeks that I should love myself and that I'm worthy but it just sounds like I'm lying to myself.
I don't remember having ever loved or even liked myself. At the most, I managed to not hate myself.
It got worse these days, I can't even stand to look at my reflection for more than a couple of seconds because all I feel is disgust. I guess often I hate myself so much that I don't even want to stop.
I feel like this is going to be the hardest thing to get over but I know I need to stop it, especially the self-harm because it doesn't just hurt me, it hurts the people who love me- for whatever reason.

But I know I can change, because for the first four years of my relationship with my bf, I always made up excuses for why he's even with me. Now, I've finally accepted that he actually loves me, though I still can't understand why.
And your words surprised me quite a lot- especially the reaction I had to them... Thank you.

 

[Sideways]

especially the self-harm because it doesn't just hurt me, it hurts the people who love me- for whatever reason.

The additional problem with SH is every time we do it, we reinforce our belief that we have no worth, that we have so little value that it’s okay to do that to ourselves.

It’s not easy stuff to work through, but with support, life can definitely become much more enjoyable and meaningful you. When you look in the mirror, it’s not about seeing perfection, it’s about getting help to learn that the person in the mirror is beautiful just as she is, and the imperfections are as much a part of her beauty as anything else.

 

[candor]

Is not believing related to not trusting? How could you take baby steps that would raise your trust in your own abilities to love yourself? Are there any self loving acts you could slowly start practicing? I am talking about distractions that make you feel good about who you are. You already seem to be looking in a new direction. Do you have the courage to continue going down that path?

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Is not believing related to not trusting? How could you take baby steps that would raise your trust in your own abilities to love yourself? Are there any self loving acts you could slowly start practicing? I am talking about distractions that make you feel good about who you are. You already seem to be looking in a new direction. Do you have the courage to continue going down that path?

I'm not sure... Physically I do sometimes things to feel good, like take a bath, put on a face-mask, watch my favorite show and have a glass of red wine... Or take a walk even if I hate going outside...
I just feel like I do these things to keep myself functioning, because I know that self-care is necessary and not because I actually feel like I deserve it.
One weird thing about me is that sometimes I do SH because it makes me feel good to treat the wounds afterwards and watch them heal- not because I enjoy the pain...

In general, I know my abilities and my strengths. I'm a good writer for example. But again, it's like my brain and heart are completely disconnected. I know what I'm good at in my head but it doesn't make me feel proud or good in any way. It's just neutral facts. Even when I published a book and everybody congratulated me and thought it was huge, I didn't feel proud or happy at all...

 

[candor]

This>>One weird thing about me is that sometimes I do SH because it makes me feel good to treat the wounds afterwards and watch them heal- not because I enjoy the pain

I never self harmed but I use to be very suicidal. The disconnect between brain and heart is also very true for me. Surrounding myself with sensitive people helps me remember how I use to feel. Lately, I am feeling triggered and sad, mad and to me it feels great to feel again even if its not good. By exposing myself to the things that I fear most, I have reprogrammed myself to fear less. I am not advising it. Some say that its a form of SH. I personally don’t believe that. But I completely resonate with the fact that it makes me feel good to watch the wounds heal afterwards and that it’s not because I enjoy the pain. What is weird is that so many people are shamed into believing that they are weird. To me, shaming is the ultimate display of lack of empathy. Its great that we can find people like you that have the courage to self evaluate. We all can refect, grow and learn from it.

We know a lot more about how to treat these symptoms than ever before. A special kind of CBT is called DBT. If you can get your hands on someone that is certified...not just someone who has taken a course...then I can highly recommend the treatment. Only very experienced therapists are allowed to be certified and the training is tough. google the stats on the success rate. It is very impressive.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

This>>One weird thing about me is that sometimes I do SH because it makes me feel good to treat the wounds afterwards and watch them heal- not because I enjoy the pain

I never self harmed but I use to be very suicidal. The disconnect between brain and heart is also very true for me. Surrounding myself with sensitive people helps me remember how I use to feel. Lately, I am feeling triggered and sad, mad and to me it feels great to feel again even if its not good. By exposing myself to the things that I fear most, I have reprogrammed myself to fear less. I am not advising it. Some say that its a form of SH. I personally don’t believe that. But I completely resonate with the fact that it makes me feel good to watch the wounds heal afterwards and that it’s not because I enjoy the pain. What is weird is that so many people are shamed into believing that they are weird. To me, shaming is the ultimate display of lack of empathy. Its great that we can find people like you that have the courage to self evaluate. We all can refect, grow and learn from it.

We know a lot more about how to treat these symptoms than ever before. A special kind of CBT is called DBT. If you can get your hands on someone that is certified...not just someone who has taken a course...then I can highly recommend the treatment. Only very experienced therapists are allowed to be certified and the training is tough. google the stats on the success rate. It is very impressive.

Maybe it kind of makes sense... If you're not able to solve the big problems in your life, you create new one's that you know will be solvable. Like I can't heal the emotional wounds, so I create physical ones that I know will heal. It's a small piece of control when the rest of your life is out of your control.
Sounds kind of poetic and I don't know if that's really the reason, but it just came to my mind...

I am really eager to have my first therapy session and find out, what my therapist suggests. This waiting is horrible. I've been sitting at home all day for a month now and it's definitely not beneficial for my mental health. I'm really glad I found this forum and all of that great advice!

 

[candor]

I absolutely loved this: "If you're not able to solve the big problems in your life, you create new one's that you know will be solvable. Like I can't heal the emotional wounds, so I create physical ones that I know will heal. It's a small piece of control when the rest of your life is out of your control. "

Have you thought of writing for Medium? I totally agree that you are a good writer and you only get better with practice. I am sure your ideas could get others thinking.
With Medium, users are able to read up to 3 articles per month. ... When MediumMembers clap for an article, a portion of their $5 monthly subscription fee is paid directly to the author. According to Medium: Partner Program writers are paid every month based on how members engage with stories.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

I absolutely loved this: "If you're not able to solve the big problems in your life, you create new one's that you know will be solvable. Like I can't heal the emotional wounds, so I create physical ones that I know will heal. It's a small piece of control when the rest of your life is out of your control. "

Have you thought of writing for Medium? I totally agree that you are a good writer and you only get better with practice. I am sure your ideas could get others thinking.
With Medium, users are able to read up to 3 articles per month. ... When MediumMembers clap for an article, a portion of their $5 monthly subscription fee is paid directly to the author. According to Medium: Partner Program writers are paid every month based on how members engage with stories.

Thank you for that tip! I will try it... I think my sister already showed me something like that, but it was in German and she didn't know if I could use it from my laptop (I have an old phone), so I forgot about it.
I'm setting up an account right now.

 

[RRT13]

I have not been diagnosed with OCD (or anything for that matter, since I haven't been in therapy yet), but I tend to be obsessive about stuff. Normally, it's just harmless stuff that keeps me occupied and stressed out for a couple of days. But there is one thing that has been haunting me for years, especially the last 6 months have been horrible. That thing is my boyfriend's Ex.

I'm so glad I found this post. I'm going through the same thing right now.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

I'm so glad I found this post. I'm going through the same thing right now.

Wow. Also the ex or some other person? It really sucks but I'm glad I made this thread because I received great advice and it's beginning to get better already :)
I hope it can help you too...