Obsession with the Ex

[BlueBerry6999]

I have not been diagnosed with OCD (or anything for that matter, since I haven't been in therapy yet), but I tend to be obsessive about stuff. Normally, it's just harmless stuff that keeps me occupied and stressed out for a couple of days. But there is one thing that has been haunting me for years, especially the last 6 months have been horrible. That thing is my boyfriend's Ex.

I feel like I behaved wrongly from the beginning. My bf is my first relationship and when I learned that he had been in a longer relationship before, I decided that I didn't want to know anything about it at all. Well, since his Ex was still in touch with his friends and family, sooner or later I heard things about her, whether I wanted or not. After two years with my bf, she suddenly popped up in my Facebook friend recommendations. Back then I already felt angry because it was impossible for me to control this situation and avoid her. When she broke up with her boyfriend, she started hanging out with my bf's friends more and I even had to see her twice in 2016. My social anxiety made this really weird, we both just stood a couple yards apart and didn't even say hello to each other.
Afterwards, something weird happened. Like a switch in my brain got flicked and instead of trying to avoid everything related to her, I started stalking her online. I even went as far as to read old e-mails and log into my bf's Facebook account to look at her photos (they're friends on Facebook, but not in touch in real life). I am really not proud of this, but at the time I thought my boyfriend had cheated on me with her. It turned out that he just misspoke and said a wrong date when he told me about the last sexual encounter he'd had with her.
Anyway, that was in early 2016 and even though everything cleared up, that stupid obession didn't go away.
Luckily, we went traveling for 1,5 years and during that time, she had a baby and now she's married. She's not in touch with any of my bf's friends anymore and at first, everything was fine, but since this spring, I have become obsessed with her again. It's driving me crazy. Every single day, I have to check online if she posted something. My thoughts go to her at least five times a day. Even if I'm busy, there is always some small thing that reminds me of her.
There is no valid reason for this, it's not that I'm jealous or anything like that, but I can't stop stalking her online or going through old photos, my boyfriend keeps in the basement.
We have been together for 6 years now and our relationship is perfect otherwise. I even confided in him because I thought it would help, but it didn't.
One of the things that triggered the obsession again was that my bf created an Instagram account by mistake (we share one and he wanted to log in, but clicked on the wrong button and created a new). His Ex immediately followed him and even though he is never ever on Instagram, he kept the account running. We share a laptop and stupid as I am, I started looking at her Instagram posts. She's much more active there than on Facebook, so it was quite interesting at first. Now, it's not interesting anymore but I can't stop. I even considered asking my bf if he could delete his account, since he doesn't use it anyway, because for me, it's a door to stalking her. I know this obsession is my problem, not his and it's wrong to ask something like that of him, but I really can't stop, even though it makes me sick to my stomach everytime I let that urge take over.

I often wonder if I would have a different obsession, if she didn't exist, since I know that my mental issues are responsible for this, not her.

Anyway, i don't know if obessive behavior can be a part of ptsd, but if any of you have experience with this, do you have advice?

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @BlueBerry6999 - welcome to the forums.

You say you have not been diagnosed with anything and you are not in therapy - yet - . Does that mean you are looking at therapy at some time in the future or simply looking at ways of curbing this particular 'obsession'?

This has been going on a really long time now and it seems to be having a detrimental effect on your life and relationship.

Do you think your bf and you would be up for some counselling together bc that may be a way of digging into why this particular person, who is not really in your life, if you took the internet out of your daily routine... is still a problem for you?

 

[Sideways]

I know this obsession is my problem, not his and it's wrong to ask something like that of him, but I really can't stop, even though it makes me sick to my stomach everytime I let that urge take over.

I think getting yourself into therapy would be really helpful, because you can stop, you just don’t currently have the right tools to do that. Which a T can help with.

Fwiw? This is your problem, not your boyfriend’s. So, the response isn’t for him to shut his Instagram and FB accounts. It’s for you to shut yours - because you’re using them in a way that is creepy as shit, and probably making your mental health condition worse.

Possibly try and set some rules for yourself about using computers, what apps you consider safe to have on your phone and devices etc. And then start a plan for things you can do with your time to engage your brain whenever those thoughts of “I have to check...” come into your brain.

Because they’re just thoughts. You don’t have to do what they say. We ignore thoughts that pop into our brain all day long. You can ignore these thoughts as well.

 

[grit]

Welcome to the site. I think you will learn a lot here.
It seems like she is safe distraction when you have other stressors. I say safe because she is not even a threat just a person who had relationship with your b//f. You are avoiding something else.
Can you see a pattern and f stress around the times you are obsessing over her like issues in your relationship or work related or other family related? Or any other triggers?

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Welcome to the site. I think you will learn a lot here.
It seems like she is safe distraction when you have other stressors. I say safe because she is not even a threat just a person who had relationship with your b//f. You are avoiding something else.
Can you see a pattern and f stress around the times you are obsessing over her like issues in your relationship or work related or other family related? Or any other triggers?

Well I'm currently not in a good place mentally... she's definitely less interesting when I'm happy. I always think back to how things were and to the mistakes i've made; It's not even a big deal but I can't accept that I cannot change the past. Maybe that's just a general problem I have. There are lots of things in my past that I would change if I could. Maybe it just all built up and she's just the tip of the iceberg.

I am planning on starting therapy soon, I just considered this obsession something minor compared to the other things I have on my mind, so I thought I'd rather deal with it on my own. Of course, what you said makes sense... if it's all related I should address it as well...

Thank you!

 

[candor]

Obssesion and the compulsive irrational behaviours that can result are not minor imo. It has been 15 years since I dealt
with those crazy making feelings and I would not wish that on my worse enemy. Often we pick it up from some adult that acted that way while growing up. Perhaps you can find a therapist that has experience with this topic. One thing that helped me was to go cold turkey and remove myself from the person I was obsessed with. Much easier said then done and you may fail several times before you succeed. In my case, it was well worth the effort. It never came back that strong. It is more common than you might think.

 

[BlueBerry6999]

Obssesion and the compulsive irrational behaviours that can result are not minor imo. It has been 15 years since I dealt
with those crazy making feelings and I would not wish that on my worse enemy. Often we pick it up from some adult that acted that way while growing up. Perhaps you can find a therapist that has experience with this topic. One thing that helped me was to go cold turkey and remove myself from the person I was obsessed with. Much easier said then done and you may fail several times before you succeed. In my case, it was well worth the effort. It never came back that strong. It is more common than you might think.

Thank you! Good to hear I'm not alone with this...
I know I should just stop and I definitely have to try what you did. So far, I always think "I'll just look at one picture" and it's not even interesting but I do it anyway.
Lately I've begun to have dreams about her, so this is probably a sign that I really have to do something about it.

I have my first therapist appointment scheduled, but she's really swamped, so it's only on November 5th.
That gives me enough time to prepare myself for it though.

 

[candor]

I googled quora: https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-obsessed-about-someone And https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-become-obsessed-with-others are two threads full of
help on the topic.

My obsession typically manifested itself as a 24/7 focus on the person I was trying to have a relationship with. The intrusive thoughts would get in the way of work, study and sleep. It was not your typical being in love. I thought everyone felt like that until I was told in high school by someone who was in love that their thoughts were not intrusive like that. I only have had it with bfs and with the ones that triggered my insecurities. I am not possessive nor inclined towards jealousy. However, a major trigger is if a bf would not return calls and especially if he had set a boundary that I am not to visit unless we agree ahead of time. At first I would phone obssesively and later I would drive 1,5 hours to his home well knowing that this was asking for a fight. The pain I felt from not being able to stop myself and from the resulting shame was not from this world. Seriously, I had to be hospitalized from the series of events that followed and the meds did not help.

It took a decade to eventually remember that as a child I was either left in a locked car, locked up in a dark closet or left alone in a locked apartment on a regular basis. So years and years later, the need to know that the bf was ok and coming back would consume me.

Shop around and learn about different types of therapies. Talk therapy did not help me. Hypnotherapy was very effective in helping me remember things I had repressed. EFT also called tapping gave me immediate relief. There are tons of videos on utube and you can learn this simple technique super quick but you need to be symptomatic to feel results. Often obssessions and compulsive behaviours are tied down to fears. Google fear inventories. I dont like this practice but many people swear by it. You can tear up the list when you are done. Forcing yourself to figure out what fears are on in your mind might help you prepare for the therapist. Good luck,

 

[BlueBerry6999]

I googled quora: https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-obsessed-about-someone And https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-become-obsessed-with-others are two threads full of
help on the topic.

My obsession typically manifested itself as a 24/7 focus on the person I was trying to have a relationship with. The intrusive thoughts would get in the way of work, study and sleep. It was not your typical being in love. I thought everyone felt like that until I was told in high school by someone who was in love that their thoughts were not intrusive like that. I only have had it with bfs and with the ones that triggered my insecurities. I am not possessive nor inclined towards jealousy. However, a major trigger is if a bf would not return calls and especially if he had set a boundary that I am not to visit unless we agree ahead of time. At first I would phone obssesively and later I would drive 1,5 hours to his home well knowing that this was asking for a fight. The pain I felt from not being able to stop myself and from the resulting shame was not from this world. Seriously, I had to be hospitalized from the series of events that followed and the meds did not help.

It took a decade to eventually remember that as a child I was either left in a locked car, locked up in a dark closet or left alone in a locked apartment on a regular basis. So years and years later, the need to know that the bf was ok and coming back would consume me.

Shop around and learn about different types of therapies. Talk therapy did not help me. Hypnotherapy was very effective in helping me remember things I had repressed. EFT also called tapping gave me immediate relief. There are tons of videos on utube and you can learn this simple technique super quick but you need to be symptomatic to feel results. Often obssessions and compulsive behaviours are tied down to fears. Google fear inventories. I dont like this practice but many people swear by it. You can tear up the list when you are done. Forcing yourself to figure out what fears are on in your mind might help you prepare for the therapist. Good luck,

Thank you! These tips really are helpful. I copied and saved several of the instructions and I'm going to start my fear inventory. That should keep me busy through my unemployment...

I also googled "obsession because of hate" because that seems more to be my problem. I hate her, because she hurt my boyfriend (even though I didn't even know him back then) and because the scars she left him with, made the first two years of our relationship complicated (he wasn't ready to fully commit because he was afraid of getting hurt). He is my first boyfriend and I feel that She messed up my first experience with love and also took away four years of his life. I know this is in the past and I can't get over the fact that I will never get these things back, no matter what.

I find myself trying to be as different from her as possible but I'm cheating myself that way. For example, I moved to the city because she made my bf move to the countryside back then, and I absolutely did not want to remind him of that.
Now, I'm becoming aware that I don't even like it in the city and I wonder how many of my decisions I made because of her, that led me where I am now.
At the same time, the more I tell myself that I'm not her, the more I can't understand why my bf would even date her.

I always pictured her as evil and downright selfish, but my bf recently told me something about her that explains her actions. At first I thought this would help me stop hating her, but instead the hatred remained though without actual reasons and that just made the obsession worse.

Anyway, I guess I really have to sit down and think about all of this and follow these instructions...

Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it!

 

[candor]

Ignore if I am bombarding you with too much but see if Bryon Katie's The Work is useful. It was a game changer for me and while her method challenges, the steps are easy. Also online. Smart people realize that working on ourselves is a lifetime process and nothing to feel embarrassed about. You are lucky to be starting this young with so much free material out there.

 

[Sideways]

She’s an incredibly powerful person to have so much power over both you and your boyfriend...despite not even being someone in your life:

She made the first two years of our relationship complicated

She messed up my first experience with love and also took away four years of his life.

I moved to the city because she made my bf move to the countryside back then, and I absolutely did not want to remind him of that.

Probably she isn’t actually that powerful. Probably she isn’t responsible for decisions you or your boyfriend are making at all.

Which would simply make her your scape goat.

Even your boyfriend is now getting a free pass on his past behaviours you don’t like - instead of holding him accountable for his actions, you have a convenient scapegoat.

And even you recognise that your hatred of this scapegoat is unreasonable, right here:

the hatred remained though without actual reasons and that just made the obsession worse.

So, it would be time to enlist the help of someone who has training to assist you in resolving your issues. If the obsession is getting worse? You really do need help with this.

Because they are your issues. About you. Not her.

 

[candor]

A good therapist will help you to think about the thoughts that you are having and help you realize that you are not your thoughts. However, we humans react to our thoughts and the resulting feelings these thoughts create. The things that happen to us in the past are buried away in memories and hidden from our consciousness. The unconscious is very protective of us and these thoughts come from that part of you that is hidden from you. It is all well meant activity from your brain. However, it also means that a part of you may be creating thoughts that can be used to hurt YOU. When that happens these thoughts can bring us down to our knees. They can make you feel crazy. It in no way means you are crazy. You are not your thoughts. The good news is that you can learn to not react to the thoughts you are having. Cognitive is a fancy word for thoughts. CBT, DBT, Hypnotherapy, mindfullnes all of these are well documented techniques that have worked in the past with great success for different people. If I were you I would worry less about why this is happening to you and focus on the fact that it is very very treatable. These thoughts are like living with a hateful make believe abuser in your head. The thoughts however are very real. And unlike other people whose thoughts you can't control, you can definately get to a point where you are in charge again. Your job is to find out what feeds your obssession and gives it power and what makes it weak and powerless. Once you learn how to do this, it will be really hard for real people to ever hurt you like that again. If it helps you to know, I am also in the process of starving my obssession. And YAY that little sucker gets to me but it is so so weak now. I aint feeding it :-)