How to phrase this?

[Teasel]

So I am slowly working on all the things I need to do to be able to leave my abusive ex.

Was told I am not allowed to go to a women's refuge in the area I live in due to concerns for my safety. And leaving the area I live in would cancel my right to continue recieving treatment for c-PTSD.

And I was devastated to hear it cause they are the two things that have kept me going.

Well I had a brainwave, and have asked my PTSD treatment people if they would allow me to temporarily go to a women's refuge, with a view to finding a place to live back here later. And they have agreed! So, going to a refuge is back on the table. Unfortunately they have also told me that they are going to discharge me after the current ACT group ends. Which is a real blow for me but hey.

The next barrier to leaving I need to work on is asking my landlord if I can leave my current address.

He's a decent sort of person. So there's that. I have not signed any contracts for this year or last year. But I know that in UK law, that's kind of irrelevant. If you have a history of previous contracts and you continue to pay your rent, I think that it counts as if you have signed current contracts too. Though am not completely sure.

Also, there was work done by the local council which caused the back of our property to subside, and the rear wall is currently held up with scaffolding and there are steel reinforcement poles inside at the back. Which might make it very difficult for him to easily find new tenants.

Also I get very scared about my hopes being dashed so.. there is real fear about asking if I can go.

I want to do the right thing by him. Want to have references from him in the future too.

Am in touch with an organisation that's helping me thank goodness. She days I don't have to say anything about why I want to leave, just say that I want to, and if he will let me leave before next July, which is when a new contract would be due and ask him not to let my ex know.

But maybe my fear of asking for what I need and the situation with the back of the house have me feeling maybe I need to explain more.

How would you phrase an email or call to the landlord?
Thanks

 

[Ronin]

I would phrase it as health reasons, in every case.

For one, not a lie, abuse wrecks your health.
For two, sharing that with anyone is common low bar.
For three, that justifies the urgency, and that he best comply with your requests, since that is not a request, that is a need to go.
For four, that gives the reason for him to not inquire any further, because health is totally personal.

 

[barefoot]

Hey, great that the option of a refuge is now back on the table!

I guess my first thought about your landlord is, do you trust him to keep your leaving from your partner? And by that I don’t mean you shouldn’t...I just wonder if you do.

Did you have a notice period in your previous contracts? If so, I reckon you can just say that you’ve really enjoyed living there for all this time (or some other generically nice thing!) but that it’s time for you to move on and you’d like to give notice.

I think the thing that may need explaining is if you’re going to ask him not to tell your partner. But what you should tell him, I’m not really sure (sorry!) Because, much as I agree that you shouldn’t have to disclose very personal details in order to give notice on the rental, if you’re going to ask for him not to say anything, I do think that may need some context. Otherwise, he may think you’re doing something dodgy somehow?! I don’t know...perhaps it doesn’t matter what he makes up that the circumstances are...But it does matter that he keeps schtum.

 

[jaccat]

Just a thought, might be irrelevant, but would your telling him in advance risk him worrying about whether your ex would be able to pay the rent? Don’t know the circumstances, and I know practically nothing about tenancy laws, but if it’s been you he’s been dealing with, it might be a consideration.

Also, really good to hear your making progress.

 

[Friday]

How would you phrase an email or call to the landlord?
Thanks

1. I wouldn’t until I had left.
- a million delays can push the date, and I value not working without a net until I have fo
- 2 people can keep a secret if 1 of them is dead (it’s a lot of trust to put in one person)
- It’s an unfair position to put him in; having to choose between my safety and his finances. My safety is my responsibility, not his, to ensure.

2. I wouldn’t at all if my husband still lived there.
- Unless I’m tying to cause him pain and drama and confusion by getting him thrown out on the street with no warning, or have to scramble to avoid it, proving finances, etc. Which isn’t how I operate.
- If TheEx wants to move? He can set that up. If he wants to stay? Ditto. Not my responsibility to sort his housing. He lives there. He can sort it. I’m busy sorting my own.

3. (Reference & options) After leaving I would write him a note thanking him for being such a good landlord, and as my husband and I have separated, to give him this contact email if he needed anything from me, but that all property discussions should remain with theEx, as he’s now the sole tenant.

 

[barefoot]

I was actually just thinking that maybe you don’t need to give notice to your landlord in advance of you moving out if your partner is still going to be living there...you are leaving your partner so he takes over responsibility as sole tenant and if he can’t do that for whatever reason I guess he then has to give notice...but Friday beat me to it :)

ETA: if you pay the rent rather than your partner at the mo, maybe you would be responsible for letting your landlord know you’re leaving? But perhaps you could still do that after you’ve actually moved out if payments are up-to-date up til your moving out date and your partner will still be there. Just feels like a big risk to me for you to be telling your landlord you’re leaving in advance and then having to just hope he’ll keep that to himself.

 

[Sideways]

Does the refuge you’re going to have a standard communication they send to landlords?

Are they able to do that for you?

I’m with @Friday . I would notify your landlord after you’ve left, as a simply courtesy if that’s important to you.

But I absolutely wouldn’t put that in writing. Phone call or in person.

I don’t know the tenancy laws where you are (obviously) but first recourse for rent is going to be the occupant & lessee, which in this case is the same person, your ex, yeah?

You have enough really important issues to deal with in this process as it is. So separate out the issues that aren’t yours and, as much as you can, accept that you have to let them go. As part of getting yourself safe, and gone.

So, state of the property and whether new tenants can be found easily? Landlords issue. And actually, you have no control over that at all, so try and let that go. Sounds like that’s coming from the emotions of caring about the landlord (good quality that have) - the emotion doesn’t translate into personal responsibility though. Not in this instance, and not ever.

Your ex’s ability to continue paying rent, or whether he moves out? Is his responsibility, and is a simple consequence of his behaviour. Again, try and acknowledge the emotions, but leave the responsibility where it belongs - with your ex.

Refuges are often a wealth of information on exactly how to make these things happen. Don’t be shy about asking too many questions.

You got this. This is a fantastic, necessary decision. With you and hoping for a safe outcome:hug:

 

[Chris-duck]

He's a decent sort of person. So there's that. I have not signed any contracts for this year or last year. But I know that in UK law, that's kind of irrelevant. If you have a history of previous contracts and you continue to pay your rent, I think that it counts as if you have signed current contracts too. Though am not completely sure.

It depends totally on the landlord and specific lease. Do you still have a copy of the last one you signed? In England I had a joint lease signed where he moved out after we split leaving me to cover rent according to the agreement, no notice required by him.

I'd check out your most recent lease agreement then possibly call landlord and state personal circumstances or something. Assuming it's a person landlord, if it's a company id feel less bothered about notice n stuff cos your safety is really priority.

 

[Sideways]

An alternative (for England) - do you guys have any kind of tenancy authority there that regulates residential tenancies?

Citizens advice bureaus would also deal with this stuff if it becomes messy (which is worst-case-scenario stuff).

 

[Teasel]

Appreciative of everyone's replies.

The dv woman helping me sent some info on exiting contracts, and some numbers I can ring for advice. (Shelter) I shall try to get an appointment to see them. the contracts we've had have been jointly held assured shorthold tenancy agreements so if I left I'd still be liable for the rent, possibly until next July and any damage to the property if Mr didn't keep up with care of it.

I've an appointment with citizens advice coming up in a couple weeks too on another matter.

Nerves are a bit shot to bits, surprising to me how frightening I'm finding each step. But glad to find possibly a little less terrified with each new step. Gotta sleep.

 

[Teasel]

Rooted out my contracts to have a nose at and there is an optional 6 month break clause in it. So, not necessarily legally tied until July, maybe only January which is good.

Confess to still feeling frightened even trying to understand what's what. Feeling frightened doesn't lend itself wonderfully to thinking clearly I get.

Not managed to get through to Shelter on any of the numbers I have but shall continue trying. Should think being able to talk stuff over with them will help me understand what's what.

It was the dv woman who said I should talk to my landlord to find out if I can go. I don't know if I trust him to keep quiet about it or not. I have no plans to f*ck over my landlord or my ex. The complete opposite is what I want - for things to be sorted out properly - doing the right thing.

Am rather horrified that it didn't occur to me that telling the landlord a little more than saying I want to leave would be out of order.

Confused about how I do what's right by mr and the landlord regarding giving notice and also leaving without either of them knowing.

I know I have been deliberately trying not to think of the emotional impact on Mr - am scared of losing the will to leave - losing the will to leave happens ever so often. I'm trying to guard that, not let it dissipate.

The info on Shelter's web page about ending the contract seems to be saying that all parties must be in agreement for any party to be able to leave. So leaving then hoping they will be ok with that seems risky.

Feeling lots of fear around being defective / out of order.

 

[barefoot]

So, are you both listed as joint tenants on the original contracts? If so, it does look like you would still have responsibility. But I don’t know whether the context for your leaving makes that a greyer area.

I think the best thing is to persevere with trying to get through to Shelter. Frustrating that you haven’t been able to do so yet, but please keep trying. They will know the ins and outs of these situations and legalities so I’m sure they will be able to provide some clear info/advice.

Good news about the break clause.

You are totally trying to do the right thing by everyone here - not being out of order at all - because you are a good person. Just don’t forget to do the right thing by you, too in all this.