He gives nonverbal signals irritability, anger, annoyance.
Me: Why are you acting like that? Why do you sound like that?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: You don't sound like you're talking to someone that you love, what changed, what happened?
Him: What do you mean of course I am.
Me: You don't sound like it, you sound upset, I don't understand what's happening.
Him: Nothing happened just stop.
Later tells me he was annoyed with me because I was afraid he would be late to get the kid's cupcakes for his birthday. But he didn't say that, he straight up lied about it, and I'm not allowed to say that is crazy making. 'm in trouble for reacting to the words he used, rather than knowing what he really meant to say was "yes I am upset but trying to keep it from becoming a thing so please just let it go."
Denying emotional reality seems to be the cornerstone of so many dysfunctional family patterns. I feel like the weirdo for wanting emotional authenticity in a world that wants us to perform and say things are fine when they aren't. Am I really wrong for wanting and needing emotional honesty? If you're honest when things are small, you don't choke on them and spit them back out in a vicious attack like he's been doing. If you're honest about all your emotions, it makes the whole system healthier.
If you can identify your emotions, you have self-awareness, and can have a better time addressing them. Instead, he's often inexplicably moody, goes too long without eating then turns into a major jerk, and I'm supposed to just put up with it? I feel like that's preventable. Take responsibility for knowing your feelings, naming your feelings, identifying them to others, demonstrate personal responsibility. It's a lot harder for me to manage myself when he is so all over the place and won't be accountable for any self regulation.
I feel like there is some sexism to all of this maybe? Like I feel like I'm supposed to be his nurse, his caretaker, where I predict his mood and fix it for him, a la the stereotypes. Throw a sandwich and some sex at him and we are good to go right? Barf. How about he is a person and a grown up and can learn to manage and communicate about his emotions and needs.
Hiding emotions makes a sick system.
I feel like I am confronted with the sickness of pretense and appearances and spackle and all this inauthenticity is making me insane.
Would you believe that I am emotionally even in all other areas of my life? With friends, at work, at my barely have time to do them hobbies? It's just my marriage that turns me into this insane person. There was one time my friend called me out publicly in front of all our friends when I was trying to help her... it was deeply upsetting and I ended up crying at work over it... but aside from people publicly attacking me when I'm not expecting it, I don't really have these problems outside my marriage.
I wonder what a good marriage feels like.
He could have said "I know my time management sucks but I don't like when you pressure me to do things your way instead of mine." Simple, effective, states his needs and preferences while recognizing that his actions precipitate this kind of pressuring communication from me.
Like dude, there is a big difference between what you say you were thinking and what you actually said. When we are both afraid of conflicts destroying everything, you really need to be sure your words match your reality as much as possible, and as often as the ADHD is a factor, it's really unfair to pretend it isn't causing these problems.
I am so tired of this. We can't even get through a few days of positivity together. As usual it's the ADHD that set it off (poor time management, poor communication). But I'm the problem. I know I contribute to the problems, but gee, why can't he apologize for basically lying to me, and communicating in a way that increases problems instead of solving them. If you don't want a problem then say you're upset but don't want to discuss it, don't just say you aren't upset when it is written all over you.
This isn't just my history making me sensitive to nonverbal communication and over personalizing things.
Now we both resent the hell out of each other. I resent him for acting like I'm making problems happen by myself and he resents me for not letting it go. But clearly, it could have been prevented if he had bothered to use intentional, honest communication. I don't know if he CAN'T do that, or just doesn't want to try. But I'm tired of him eyerolling about the communication issues, as if it's not a valid part of these problems between us. Be clear, be complete, be intentional and assertive don't be sideways or lie or leave out important information. How can trust or safety be established under these circumstances. I am doing my best here, but I can't do his part also.
