Childhood So CSA and moral issues re reporting blahblah

[Chris-duck]

I'm very eloquent in my titles for threads clearly :laugh: Ehh.

So.. dad and bigbro CSA = background
Issue has come around re CSA that I feel kinda guilty that I'm not doing anything about. (No kids are currently at risk). But I don't really want to talk about my guilt and stuff, that's just background blahblah, let's talk about trust in authority people.

My dad has been reported twice for CSA against me (Once in midteens, not by me, when I was told if he was reported again I'd be charged with wasting police time (aye, no bother, wasn't me that reported, so I'll send out a memo?) and once by me at 19 after my friends felt threatened by him and basically demanded it to keep them safe, that I later retracted because reasons. Ideally for current situation I'd avoid police input, but I can't think of a way to play it that guarantees they won't become involved at some part of the process. I want to trust them, but historically, their track record in my life kinda sucks.

I have friends IRL I could theoretically speak to about this, but they're massively optimistic, and I've done the court system before (Separate from family stuff, witness to a stabby thing where someone died), and I have contact with social work through kids I look after (Half custody, kinship), so I dunno, I use people when I need them when I know how it's gonna play out and what exactly I want them to do, or I have no choice.

I get this is vague and you're probably like "okay so wtf do you want from us?" cos like eh dunno. I want a way to stop CSA from dad being possible in the future to future kids, I basically believe that nobody can help and I gotta stop it alone somehow, even though I'm 1. not sure htf I'd go about that or 2. understand that's distorted. My brain is basically alternating pretty fast between imploding with stress and forgetting the whole thing. I'm sure there's a middle ground like someone I can get advice from without it spiralling. I'm not sure if I'm worried that people will do nothing, like previously. Or totally take over and it'll spiral and I'll have no control.

TLDR? Worried about future CSA from dad. I trust nobody. How do I trust authorities/fix it myself? :D

 

[somerandomguy]

The only way to guarantee your father won't sexually abuse your kids is if he is never permitted to see them. Full stop.

Never permitted by who, exactly? ... That I can't answer.

 

[Chris-duck]

It's not about my kids. My dad has no access to them and never has. Like I said, no kids are at risk currently. If they were, an internet forum wouldn't be my go to n my only issues with police would be how to hide his body.

 

[somerandomguy]

Does your father have easy access to any children?

 

[Chris-duck]

Does your father have easy access to any children?

MiniS. But I'm not concerned about his current safety.

So you can trust me or not on that but either way, I'm not asking about the right or wrong thing to do. I can work that out myself. Im asking how the f*ck to trust that anyone can actually help with owt. When experience tells me the legal system is a shitshow.

 

[Teasel]

Can you see a lawyer/ citizens advice bureau? Or try an organisation like nacap see if they know any numbers to ring?

 

[Chris-duck]

Can you see a lawyer/ citizens advice bureau?

I dunno, like I dunno how their confidentiality thing works? Like it's not so much about the right way to proceed. I get speaking to a lawyer etc is the right way to *legally* proceed. It's really more my own head I need help with first. Like I know how the legal stuff works, I just don't think it actually works ? I dunno how to explain me right. Sorry

 

[Chris-duck]

Like it's not urgent. Nobody is being harmed. But I need to get past hating the whole legal system. I know *how* the legal system works. But I'm really, really distrustful of it. Like everything in my brain thinks lawyers, police, social work are gonna f*ck shit up. Not even necessarily deliberately. Just IME n all that. So it's more a "convince me that other people can be helpful resources" than "how do I report someone?". My issue is, he's been reported, twice, it's not gone well. I've been a witness in court which was equally shit.

But I'm aware I'm in a position I might not be able to fix myself. So I want to fix my crazy brain re this particular thing. Like yeah. I feel like distrusting #thesystem makes sense so how do I trust them if I need them for something I guess.

 

[Chris-duck]

My brain is basically a squirrel on crack right now but it's my thread n I'll spam it if I want to :laugh:

But since I feel the need to clarify, this would only be me reporting my own crap if it went that far cos no current kids have been abused.

And my distrust of authorities goes more like:
If I'm attacked I won't call them cos I don't think they could do shit
If I see someone else being attacked I do call them hoping that they can

Like I don't want people to think I'm f*cking people over cos of my own f*cked up brain.

 

[Sideways]

Depends I think on what you mean by 'trust'. If that's going down a rabbit hole you don't want to visit, totally get that and ignore this post.

I reported my primary abuser to the police. 'Trust' didn't come into it. I was abused, I needed to start behaving like what happened to me wasn't acceptable, and part of that meant reporting my abuser to the police.

From there? It's out of my hands. I helped them as much as I was able. They treated me with more respect and dignity than I was expecting, which was bonus.

But after that? It's not a case of "do I trust them with this information". Because either he ends up doing time (unlikely, for a million different reasons, and hurdles that come up en route with these things), or he doesn't.

The only thing I could do? Was make sure I had what it was I was going to report clear and concise and consistent in my head. So that the information I handed over was the best quality of information I could provide.

And that's it. Handing over those parts of my story is actually the only bit I have any control over.

Your motivations are slightly different than mine. I fully accept that my abuser has abused many girls in his lifetime, and potentially continues to do so. That's on him, not me.

Because...I can't actually stop him. Realistically, can I stop him? Without entering into some Hollywood fantasy of me turning into some gunslinging hotshot amd royally screwing my own life in the process? That's BS that's never gonna happen. Besides which I passionately believe that vigilantism is not any kind of solution, simply fills my lived experience with more evil deeds.

So, maybe assess your goals. If "stopping the potential of him abusing anyone else" is your goal? Even putting him behind bars temporarily won't guarantee that. So that particular goal is going to bring you a whole lot of the frustration of never getting achieved.

If your goal is "to do what you can to prevent any further abuse" - then trusting the cops doesn't enter into it. If you want to achieve that goal, your options are almost entirely limited to:
1) going to the police with your story, very clearly and conscisely prepared so that it can easily translate into useable evidence as easily as possible - organise an appointment with the right person in the right department like it's an important meeting, and prepare for it as best you can, using any support available to you;
2) compiling any evidence you have (Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to give you help with what is, and isn't 'evidence' - because the rules of evidence in CSA cases has changed dramatically);
3) compiling the names and contact details of anyone and everyone who can corroborate any part of your story, and including that in the brief of your evidence that you give to the police.

To me? Trust doesn't enter into the equation at all.

You can only do what you can do. Reporting him, in the most effective way you possibly can, is about the limit of what you have control over.

Anyone he has or may abuse? Is entirely on him. Your number one priority, as one of his victims, is recover and live the best and most meaningful life you possibly can in spite of what he did to you. Anything else is bonus.

The control of perpetrators? Is not the responsibility of the victims, it's simply an awesome bonus that some victims are able to contribute to.

You can't report him to the police needing a specific outcome from them. If that's what you mean by "can I trust them"? Then no, you can't. There are too many factors out of your control, out of their control, out of the attorney's control. You can't trust the police to deliver you a specific outcome. Because in most cases, for reasons out of their control, they can't deliver the outcome you want. You can keep yourself up to speed with the status of their enquiries, and assist them with any information you have. That's about it.

Fwiw? My abuser is very unlikely to spend a single solitary day in prison. Doesn't matter to me. Him and his life? Aren't something I can control. But the evidence, my story, as I delivered it to the police? Was clear and coherent, and despite being completely unbelievable? A clear and coherent report was enough that he's now on their radar. And that made it worth it.

Treating myself like what he did to me was an unacceptable criminal act? Was also incredibly important to my healing.

 

[Chris-duck]

Thanks @Sideways That's helpful, I cant think of bits to quote to reply to, but I'll try and cover my main takeaway points...

By trust I don't mean trust like friend-trust, I basically mean don't f*ck shit up. My main interactions with the legal system (Outside of work stuff) have been
1. I didn't report, but got threatened by police that if anyone reported again I'd be charged.
2. I was a witness to a friend dying and they told me it wouldn't have happened if we hadn't been such shits
3. I reported CSA again and just shit f*cked up.

So by trust, I guess I mean they're not total asshats? I understand outcomes are outside of peoples control, but it's not trusting an *outcome*, and I don't even need them to be nice to me :laugh: Just, not asshats.

As far as outcomes go, it's more personal, like I just need to know I did what I could. But like *ideally* I'd feel like was achieved outside of the legal system, because a bunch of reasons (Like the ones I've already mentioned, or the fact I don't even hate my dad, or the fact my mum and wee bro still rely on him and blahblahblah). But yeah. I feel like I need to do *something* and I'm trying to separate out the reasons why and why not, like which are rational and which are totally insane trauma brain. But yeah. Outcomes that I'm hoping for, way vaguer than hoping for a specific legal outcome.

And yeah.. I don't know that I *really* consider myself part of it? Like my only way to do anything would be reporting my own CSA, but the fact I have my own CSA plus witnesses to it is more just useful info to my brain? (Hey, I never started this thread being able to explain myself right, why start now :rolleyes: ) Like it's not really anything to do with me, or wanting him arrested or anything. It's separate. Like chaotic detached gotta do something cos #reasons. My story is just the information I have available to do that.

Yeah, hopefully I at least explained the trust thing. My brain is totally failing me at explaining anything today apparently.

 

[Sideways]

I just need to know I did what I could.

This, then.

Doing what you can, means accepting potential consequences that are out of your hands, jail time being one.

If you want to do what you can? I'd go with the suggestion to speak to a Citizens Advice Bureau about the reporting process, so that you report it as effectively as possible, to the best possible recipient. Which isn't your local cop shop.

There's an uneasiness that lives between (a) wanting to prevent anyone else living what I've lived; and (b) not needing to screw up other people's lives on my account, like siblings and spouses etc.

You need to do your own evaluation of those 2 competing interests. It's uncomfortable for me that my abuser has 2 daughters who seem to be have developed into fine young women with their own families. I don't want to deprive them of the father they love, or the grandfather they want for their children. Certainly not on my account.

But that right there? Is exactly why I needed to report him. Because it is that important. Important enough to do what you can, to stop anyone else going through CSA, that it's worth putting a few people through that uncomfortable reality check. If it makes other people's lives a bit more uncomfortable, that's tough. That's an unfortunate consequence, but not reason enough to do what you believe needs to be done, if that's what you believe.

The local cop shop will probably arse it all up. If you decide to do it? Do it right. Find out who it is you need to report it to (they will have specialised training in how to take your report) and what you need to report.