When a patient attempts suicide

[BrownLea12]

Friday the hospital roll sheet arrived on my desk. One of my patients was highlighted with a self inflicted gun shot wound to the left upper abdomen. A family member was in another room when the gun went off. My patient is still clinging to life in an ICU. I took it so hard. Immediately bearing the guilt. I should’ve seen something, noticed something, stopped it from happening. But I had referred that patient to therapy, had offered medications. The patient declined to schedule every time. It broke my heart to read the reports. To read the notes on how those that love this person we’re struggling to cope. I felt such a hypocrite because of my own struggles with what a relief it seems at times to no longer be living. My head is swimming, but I think I’m in the right place. Fortunately managed to squeeze in an emergency session with my therapist to process this. I can’t even explain the feelings and thoughts when a patient hits so close to home.

 

[bellbird]

I really feel for you, @BrownLea12 .

First of all, awesome stuff for scheduling an emergency T session. That's really great you did that.

I should’ve seen something, noticed something, stopped it from happening.

Hindsight is a wondrous thing, but can lead us so often into a trap of thinking there was something we could have and should have done differently.

There wasn't.

Active suicidality is so often masked by the person experiencing it.

I had referred that patient to therapy, had offered medications.

And in fact, you'd taken all the appropriate steps to provide that patient with the extra assistance they needed.

They needed to take their own steps to receiving that extra assistance, and it's so sad that they didn't, but it really really isn't on you.

Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

 

[mamachick]

Every therapist will tell you that if they practice therapy for any length of time, they will loose a patient/patients to suicide. You evidently knew this person was having issues and referred to therapy and suggested medication. That is all you can do. There is nothing more that you should have done or could have done. Im sure the patient did not tell you their intent. You can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink. Its unfortunate and very sad, but as you have said, you have had your won struggles of no longer wanting to live. People will often not tell how serious their thoughts really are. Their actions can be very impulsive and change from hour to hour or even within minutes. There is no way for you to foresee this.
I hope you can use self talk to relieve yourself of the guilt you are feeling. The good new is that the patient is still fighting for life and may have another chance. Hopefully they will get the care they need. Now there is a reason to hold them for that care. There was no reason to do that before. You cant save everyone.

 

[ladee]

I see this experience from a different angle. Seeing someone who followed thru with SI and knowing what the family is going thru, and what you are feeling, your own powerlessness to stop this person, has brought home the reality of taking our own life.

We only think of the 'relief'. And yes, we may even think about those we would leave behind. And sometimes that is enough to stop us, at least for the time being.

You are seeing for yourself the real-life consequences of not wanting to be here anymore. Glad you had time with your own T to start processing what you are feeling and thinking.

I feel sometimes, that each of us who get stuck in the 'death' trap, had to go to funerals of people who have succeeded in what we think about. It puts a whole different light on how we think that is the solution.

Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me of too many funerals I've been to myself.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I lost my brother to suicide 4 years ago. I found him. I still practice hindsight and the fact I should have known that it would happen. It's so hard for all survivors, it changed my mind about ever doing it.

 

[BrownLea12]

They needed to take their own steps to receiving that extra assistance, and it's so sad that they didn't, but it really really isn't on you

So true. It’s been a real eye opener. I think as survivors of trauma we can get this complex that we should be all knowing- we should have seen the danger, screamed, told somebody, fought back, etc. and it would’ve been different. All the ways I know I try to (falsely) control everything. Just a big reminder of how much I CAN’T control other people.

@ladee

Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me of too many funerals I've been to myself.

Yes. One of the first things I thought was I don’t want to do this to the people about whom I care. Funerals can be so painful. No matter the circumstances.

@DharmaGirl So sorry for the loss of your brother. My cousin killed himself in the basement of my grandparents. They found him and I know it profoundly affected them. I’m sorry for your pain, and the pain that caused your brother to end his life.

<3

 

[windsoar]

In spite of all the hindsight, I was told once that if someone seriously wants to end their life, they will find a way. Some can make it look accidental..car accident, not taking care of a health issue for example. Even know of a couple cases of people in psych hospitals. If you followed best practices, then it was their decision out of your hands. Somethings we just can't control. Take care of yourself. So you may help others not so serious.