Advice? Need help for managing intense dissociation. UPDATE: Is this recovery?

[Kaylove498]

I have so much anger and hurt in me and I can't even feel it I know it's there but I just can't feel it and it's bothering me that I can't just let my emotions go.I don't feel mad happy sad nothing I'm just blank even though I want to cry.

Any advice how to get back in touch with emotions?

 

[HannaD]

Dissociation from emotions may be to temporary to protect you until you are ready to process them. I would focus on being in the present and grounding.
My therapist noticed a grounding behavior of mine was to reach out with my hands and touch my environment, usually what I'm sitting on (couch, for example) but anything really. It stabilized me and kept me present. Perhaps, you could keep a grounding object in your pocket. Something that either feels safe or snaps you out of dissociation by contrast.
When you're not disassociating the emotions (reactions to your environment) will be easier to feel. Well, maybe not easier. That becomes another thing to work on.
It is something that still happens to a lesser degree for me now. So, if the symptom isn't strong then I'll try distraction instead of grounding. I've reach a point that my dissociation is a passing symptom that comes and goes. It can also be a sign that self care is needed, like a warning system.

 

[Kaylove498]

I seem to have it 24/7 now.ive tried different grounding techniques and haven't found any that particular help me.I do seem to obsess on the feelings all day everyday.and if I don't obsess over the physical feelings I obsess over the thoughts I get.sadly I've became completely housebound since I started dealing with the dissociation and I can't seem to get out of it.

 

[Kaylove498]

I've been having the whole out of body feeling. Everything feels unreal. The existential thoughts. Something very odd is going on and am wondering if I should just go admit my self to psychiatric hospital.

The last two days but today especially I have felt literally like a robot.

When I'm talking it feels like I'm doing it without any thought if that makes sense. When I'm walking I feel as though I'm just walking like I have no emotions it thought towards what I'm doing.

I'm not doing anything bad just can't feel what I'm doing.im just doing almost like I'm stuck on some replay mode.

It's scaring me because I'm scared that since I don't feel in control of myself what if I just start walking the streets and don't know who I am.

I told my therapist about it today and she didn't seem to concerned.she didn't tell me why I felt that way either though.

When I eat or drink I feel like I'm just doing it.Also food and drinks feel odd in my mouth.Especially cold drinks because I can feel the sensation of the cold drink in a different way than before.having a drink or food in my mouth almost feels foreign to me as if this is something new Ive never done.

I explained most of this to my therapist and she really didn't seem to say much at all about it.she wrote down what I told her and that was it.

I also feel extremely tired and heavy but in an odd way as if I've never felt my body before.Ive been getting super tense physically and everything feels odd physically.my teeth ever feel odd as if I've never felt them before.

Am I going crazy?
I'm scared and don't know what to do....

 

[Ronin]

Kay can you call your psychiatrist about it?

You recently had a med change IIRC. That feeling unreal & over the top anxiety and existential fears / altered sense of reality could well be influenced by that.

Totally matters to make sure you're physically safe while those feelings are going on.

 

[Kaylove498]

I was having these feelings before meds.I only took the meds for 4 days and am now off of them.

I saw my therapist yesterday and she said that I seemed more clear headed now verses a month ago.it actually made me feel better to here that and I've kinda just accepted the robot feeling and out of body feeling.My therapist nor doctor seem to concerned said it was anxiety related the therapist does want me on strickly just anxiety meds no antidepressants.

Just trying to learn how to stop obsessing over there feelings of depersonalization.

 

[Ronin]

Ah gotcha.

What about, even if nothing feels real, the way to act is still the same, by how you learned to live to this point. People who love you love you still even if you can't feel it, too. Goodness of people doesn’t disappear, so coming to them and being with others is still worth it.

And remembering even if you are unsure what to do... you can still do good things. ;) Because you did good things up till now, whole your life. So you know how to act by heart, insecurity now is just a bump in your road but not a crash.

Feeling not real doesn't change you, as a person.

 

[Kaylove498]

I just hope soon the not real feeling will fade.

I've gotten to the point that I don't care about the feeling but it bothers me that the out of body feeling hasn't stopped

 

[Kaylove498]

I deal with depersonalization and severe anxiety which caused the dpdr.
I started therapy and through therapy I'm learning why I have these feelings and what could cause them.

Sadly I live in an extremely stressful household.constang yelling and fighting most days noone seems happy and every other day a fist fight breaks out or it comes close to a fist fight.

None of it involves me I stay in my room to avoid the bs that goes on in the house hold and family.well today I got fed up said what I had to say swapped words with a family member and it led to her pulling my hair and basically acting like a child on a rampage.

I wasn't bothered by her trying to come at me I was hurt by her words and more than anything just overwhelmed because it's constant even if im not involved or I'm just sitting in my room from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep it's constant fighting not with me though just everyone else.

I got to a point where I'd sleep all day and stay up all night and I've come to the conclusion that I do that to avoid all the extra yelling and fighting amongst the family.

Now today when things got bad I realized even if it doesn't involve me the constant yelling and fighting and back and forth all day everyday has me in constant dpdr.which made me happy to be able to identify what really does bother me.

I'm not in a situation where I can just leave even though I'd love to.im constantly depersonalized and of course I get bouts of derealization.

But other than leaving because at the moment that's not possible is there anything I can do to calm my own stress even though I'm surrounded by people and things that stress me out??

I try to block it out but it's constant front the time the sun rises to the time it goes down if not later.

Any advice on coping it dealing with stresses so I can get out of the dpdr state.

 

[Sideways]

If your room is a safe place for you, perhaps work on expanding on that, making small changes to really bring out that feeling of safety.

I'm thinking particularly sensory things: changing lighting to lower, or coloured lighting, white noise, plants, scented things, calming pics on the walls, blankets and pillows and rugs underfoot. Make it your version of a calming sensory experience being in your room.

And when yelling starts up? Nothing beats a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, but if you're tight on cash? Music through headphones (better still, guided relaxation through headphones) to drown it out, then engage your attention on something else, like reading, colouring, painting, beading, writing, whatever is most 'you'.

It makes sense that you're chronically locked into some degree of dissociation if that's the vibe of the household you live in; so actively working on a plan to move, and setting that in motion, may in and of itself help relieve some of that distress. Social workers and counsellors are often a great resource for how to make things like that happen quicker.

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you. Yes the house hold is a constant stress even though I stay shut away.

Something's went down with the family because of another family member I had an argument with one of my sister n laws yells and she jumped on me.I didn't get hit but she did pull my hair.sadly she has her own mental health issues going on and is bipolar and she flipped yesterday and said some very unsettling things to the family.

After I was jumped on I just went back into the dissociation pretty severly and couldn't sleep because of fear.I finly fell asleep and she came back to the house and made threats to hurt everyone.

I finally fell asleep last night but I've woken up through out the night in fear. I'm not up and scared again that she'll return. I can't stop shaking and feel like I'm in a dream which I know is dissociation and I stopped being scared of it. But after what she threatened I can't stop shaking I'm starting to Rock back and forth and the dreamlike state feels more like a nightmare at this point. I'm almost in disbelief over what happened.

I have therapy tomorrow but I desperately with my therapist did calls to help me. I've already been through alot and I'm scared this has put me to a point of no return to normal life.My PTSD is now through the roof I jump if I hear a car or a door open or if I hear anything that sounds like she's coming.Im not sure what to do at this point.

 

[Teamwork]

You may not be able to move out but I would as well as making a safe room for yourself in the house also find your outs. Make a list if you can of daily outings, list of people you could meet up with even if it is. Only one person on that list. I also have a high stress household because my daughter has autism and with that outbursts that last hours. I have coffee with a friend daily, I go out when I can and I have safe places. I also have my breathe which my psychologist taught me goes wherever I go. So when I’m not over the top with my own stress I can remember to do the centering breathes. I also use the name things in my environment trick when I’m moving into check out mode. I also have a game on my ipad that I play. I name my feelings. I study up a bit on autistic meltdowns so that I can resource from memory what its all about because it triggers me into believing things that are not true.