Advice? Need help for managing intense dissociation. UPDATE: Is this recovery?

[Kaylove498]

Thank you I get so scared that I'll I'll dissociate to where there is no return. I got up and talked to my mother in law about my fears over what happened yesterday and then I came to the room and called a friend.A few minutes into the conversation I got off the phone because I started feeling numb physically and emotionally.

I have this fear that I'll dissociate to a point that I'll forget who I am although that hasn't happened it scares me that I will and that I'll just start wandering the streets. I've read that dissociation isn't dangerous so I guess that's just a fear that I have.

 

[pam4him]

So sorry you are feeling this way. Not feeling could be the mind's way of protecting itself. Try to concentrate on one thing at a time. Perhaps journal about that one instance to help reconnect to the event, then the emotions will likely come. Caution, do this slowly as it can open a floodgate. The best way is to do this with a counselor or therapist. Prayers for wisdom, guidance, peace and strength as you move forward.

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you

 

[Kaylove498]

I had a great day yesterday I slept the night before last got up early deep cleaned the house hung out with family the entire day I did great.

Way out of my normal routine because usually I just lay in bed and feel dpdr all the time or anxiety.I pushed myself really hard yesterday to pull out of depersonalization.

When I went to bed last night things felt very odd and they may be my usual odd feelings but at this point I can't tell.

I wake up today I was pretty panicked because reality almost felt to real if that makes sense.everything just felt to in my face.I thought about yesterday and how good I did so I got up and just pushed through went to therapy and felt off but more here.part way through therapy I started to depersonalize.I pushed through and just have kinda been dealing with it.

When I got home my fiance was getting ready to leave for work and I didn't know he had work today.his boss has been sick so he hasn't been in a few days but his boss called while I was gone.I sat here and didn't think much just kinda sat and I looked around the room after he left and freaked out because I feel detached from my body and all I could think is I'm alone and what if something happens.what if I just dissapear.what if I go crazy.my house feels unfamiliar what if I go completely insane and just leave and noone knows.

I've literally been clinging to the bed in fear today that my body and mind won't listen to eachother and that my body will just want me to leave while I want to stay.

Well I called him and half way through the conversation I panicked because I looked around the room again and once again everything felt so real which I haven't felt in a long time but mentally and physically I don't feel here.Its been getting difficult and I'm terrified that I'll just lose it one day and I'm trying to stay calm but I'm still freaking out on tears.

Everything is making me jump I feel like I'm not even the one doing things such as walking or talking or even typing this.I see my doctor this afternoon and all I can think is they will admit me.its a psychiatrist and I'm terrified.at this point though I'm not sure if I'm more terrified of being put in a hospital or if I'm more terrified of how I feel and losing my mind.

I'm I gonna go completely crazy and lose it?

What should I do?

Should I just admit myself?

 

[Sideways]

Should I just admit myself?

Which hospital are you thinking?
Do you have someone to drive you there?

Can you outline what you would tell the triage nurse, to help them understand why you have presented to hospital?

I have found in the past, that process helps me figure out whether or not to present, and if I need to, how to actually make that happen.

Slow down, breathe, type it out if that helps.
You are not going to disappear, forget who you are, turn into a robot - it is frightening, but you will get through this.

 

[Kaylove498]

I just went to my doctor and once again there seems to be no concern she said it's because of my anxiety that I feel this way. I've noticed going out of my normal routine makes it worse like I'll feel almost confused and agitated but I can't just lay in bed the rest of my life.

I'll have a day or two where I push myself then everything feels weird being out of bed will even feel weird and I go right back into it and it feels worse because I'll feel confused and agitated with what's goin on.

I just get terrified that I'll forget everything out that everything will become so foreign that I'll lose my mind.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi @Kay9477 - After seeing and reading a few of your threads/posts, it seems like your providers are not hearing you. I would suggest that you copy and paste your threads/posts into a document, and take this into your provider(s). Sometimes, I think we don't express the degree of our distress, so maybe sharing with them what you've shared with us might be helpful. It's a first step at any rate. This is a long haul situation, so stop and start/trial and error are to be expected. You hang in there and keep trying, knowing that you might have to try different avenues along the way. Breathe, figure out what comforts/soothes you, and keep asking for the support you need in real time. Take care. VB

 

[Kaylove498]

Thank you I actually explained that to my therapist today that I don't feel like I'm being heard once again I've been switched to another med and before I left was actually told if I didn't want meds I could just stop taking them all together.

I'm lost at this point and don't feel here. It's an odd feeling too describe but I'm always just told it's anxiety and depression.

They prescribed another antidepressant which I found out does nothing for anxiety only treats depression and insomnia.

Sometimes I feel blank like right now I just don't feel here. I know I'm here but I don't feel it as though I'm just disappearing. My therapy told me today to try and seek for something to believe in. But I have my item issues with my therapist.

They are young which I'm not judging at all what I am judging is I've basically been answering my item questions and coming on here for answers. I don't have money or insurance to get a decent therapy or doctor but it still is upsetting to see how mental health is dealt with.

I've actually learned more by doing my item research and learning ways to deal on my own.

After today I don't feel like I'm being heard we all it's actually made me question the point in even going to the doctor or therapy.

I never feel in my body much less here. I actually have thought about going to get a second physical just to double check my health and then go from there to help my self because see this point it's been 6 months of different doctors and counceling and meds and I'm fine taking meds that aren't helping. They don't make me come they make me feel just blank. After all I'm just another patient that they don't understand.

The counselor literally time me she me they could learn allot from me.

Yes it's a compliment hurt it's sad that noone who chose mental health jobs had any real knowledge of mental health nor trauma and only take me in because by law it's required.

I'm not sure what to do at this point...

 

[Kaylove498]

I've been dealing with dpdr for a couple months now since a few things happened in my life that were extremely stressful and sent my anxiety through the roof.

In the last couple weeks I seem to be skipping slowly back into reality.I still haven't felt alot of emotions but I do feel the urge of some emotions such as sadness even if I don't cry I do feel the urge to again.

I was completely dissociated a lil day would feel like a dream nothing made sense.slowly everyday I've pushed my self to stay out of bed and do things and I've done pretty good with just getting up and doing things.I was having a constant fear of forgetting people because I visually can see who people are but emotionally I couldn't place them or feel the relationship with them.

With pushing myself I've felt a little more free even though I still feel dpdr all the time but visually speaking I feel very much into reality nothing is blurry anymore.I don't question where I'm at or who I'm with .

The strange things that's happened is I'm having panic attacks again nothing major but I'll have a small moment where I feel like my spouse is a stranger.Ill panic be in shock that I've been here with him for 7 years and then I come back and actually feel the emotion of happiness and comfort.I don't feel the emotion alot but I feel it and for so long I haven't been able to feel anything.

Did anyone else experience the return of occasional panic attacks when the dpdr started to leave??

Did anyone feel any type of almost shock of how real reality felt and how crazy it is to be here because you've been so cut off???

 

[James G]

I've been having the whole out of body feeling. Everything feels unreal. The existential thoughts. Something very odd is going on and am wondering if I should just go admit my self to psychiatric hospital.

The last two days but today especially I have felt literally like a robot.

When I'm talking it feels like I'm doing it without any thought if that makes sense. When I'm walking I feel as though I'm just walking like I have no emotions it thought towards what I'm doing.

I'm not doing anything bad just can't feel what I'm doing.im just doing almost like I'm stuck on some replay mode.

It's scaring me because I'm scared that since I don't feel in control of myself what if I just start walking the streets and don't know who I am.

I told my therapist about it today and she didn't seem to concerned.she didn't tell me why I felt that way either though.

When I eat or drink I feel like I'm just doing it.Also food and drinks feel odd in my mouth.Especially cold drinks because I can feel the sensation of the cold drink in a different way than before.having a drink or food in my mouth almost feels foreign to me as if this is something new Ive never done.

I explained most of this to my therapist and she really didn't seem to say much at all about it.she wrote down what I told her and that was it.

I also feel extremely tired and heavy but in an odd way as if I've never felt my body before.Ive been getting super tense physically and everything feels odd physically.my teeth ever feel odd as if I've never felt them before.

Am I going crazy?
I'm scared and don't know what to do....

I would recommend getting outside for some fresh air, sunshine or moonlight and some exercise. Any kind of exercise. Something that interests you and may not even feel like exercise but will get you moving around. Maybe it will kick start some kind of passion in you. Personally I enjoy biking to the park and throwing and catching frisbee with a friend. If by yourself pick a target on the horizon that seems impossible and challenge yourself to hit it and keep picking it up and throwing it until you do. It helps me. Ive had some serious issues the past five years and I'm grateful I found exercise. I know it will be a difficult start sometimes and it can at times exasserbate my loneliness but I always sleep better after and wake up clearer and more confident. It's especially nice when I make a new friend in someone who is just curious what I'm doing or interested in playing. I have to remind myself to keep it positive in those instances because I can tend to want to open up and tell people what I'm going thru. Save it for later. Get therapy, get out of the house and be around people who are positive and pro YOU. I wish you well. You need to wish yourself well and WILL it to be true. The same way negative thoughts can be invasive, positive thoughts can be liberating and motivating. Act on those. Repeat them. Reenact them. Keep it positive and it will catch on. I promise. Your not alone. ?

 

[Kaylove498]

I went to a friend's tonight even though I always feel depersonalization.I pushed through it and hung out with everyone.I stayed out for a couple hours but when I came home I just feel completely numb physically.

I know I have dpdr but I'm scared it's something more I just feel completely numb. I'm also in shock that I even went out because I usually just sit at home.

I can usually can myself down but I can't even sleep because I'm scared I'll die or that something more is wrong.

 

[pam4him]

First, KUDOS on going out. A couple of hours is great. When you say physically numb do you actually mean you can't feel parts of your body or did you emotionally. The numbness is a symptom of dpdr. If that is your diagnosis, and you are engaged in a treatment plan, it will improve over time. But you took a huge step by going out. Making yourself physically engage with society can lead to a start in feeling some emotions. Perhaps try to look at it like you would congestion as a symptom of a cold. It's just part of having a cold. Keep working towards feeling and it may surprise you one day, out of the blue. It might help to journal about the experience of going out to see if that can trigger some emotions. Hang in there and keep going! Prayers for peace, strength and wisdom for your journey.