Husband invalidating my feelings

[Zeekayk]

So this is my first post here and im so scared to share this. Idk what to expect. But I've been a stay at home mom for a year after taking care of my baby. I am now back to work, and i have to go through training where the presenter keeps talking about parents. Respect ur parents, reach out for them that they're old and need you and so on. It hurts me when people talk about their parents. I've been extremely abused by my parents. And it never stopped even when i became an adult, so my only choice was to walk away for good and i was fortunate enough to have a loving husband who supported me through this. But after two years in marriage today when i finally had the courage to speak up after four days holding it in---- what he tells me is "i want drama" ...... worse is on our way back he was talking with such racism like my father used to . Calling people by where they're from and degrading them. Any advice would be appreciated. He comes from loving parents (who passed away) but i come from very abusive and dysfunctional house (they're all alive). I never felt safe growing up...... should i avoid ever opening up to him about my wounds and pains?

 

[grit]

I am truly sorry you had experiences of childhood abuse. It is quite heartbreaking the trauma passed on from exactly those who supposed to not only love us, but protect us and nurture us.

I have few things to say and I hope you take what you may need and take others maybe just a hubris.

You are a new mother. This is truly one of the most changing personality, self organization and life in every single woman who had a child (for good or for worse - hence why we ended up with women who were quite mildly putting not enough mothers/parent).
So it is possible you are super sensitive, super aware, alert, and in significant and fundamental change in your self organization because you had a child recently....

This change may open your eyes (almost like out of dissociation) things you never noticed including who your husband is. Maybe you interposed the need for support before but now, he is not...or maybe you are so alert that everything he does makes you trigger because you are watchful for good reasons - becoming a new mother.

The topic of the training did not help either. I mean I remembered when I was estranged from my mother and everybody would be like oooh my mother's love is so important...and made me feel like I was a bad person...ooh yeah I remember those days. But I realized people who are in wound, go at least (or more) two ways: those that ask everybody to put a bandaid on (cause they do) or those that understand you and see this is your story and hear you out...you can imagine that person in the presentation was just a parrot of the book.

and your husband's validation is (I am very sure grating on you now), but if you ever get therapy, and start to integrate, you will learn sure we all hurt but utlimately honestly, no one can invalidate us without out permission. His opinion is not stronger, higher value, or more important than YOURS. But if you are an abused child, adult having children without clearing some serious trauma pipes, you will find "others' just like our parents were, are always above us and their feelings, observations, input is more acutely painful.

I honestly do not know how or what you can do about your husband (and the racism thing is weird), but I hope you cultivate a support system for you (friends, therapy, groups etc) and you start to notice how you may be changing. Becoming a mother, IMHO, of what I observed in others, is one of the most healing path if recognized by the person. It can wake you up or exacerbate your trauma.

 

[pam4him]

Sorry for the difficult past and the triggering that occurred recently. We can't always avoid every mention of things that to us were painful, but to others may not have been. We can learn to cope and do some self-care to get us back on track. Part of the self-care could be to talk it out with someone you trust. I'm sorry your husband reacted the way he did. It looks like he does know about your past but I wasn't sure from your post if he is aware that his response was a trigger. Perhaps in a quiet moment, ask him about a favorite memory of something between him and his dad, and would he share it with you (this sets a good mood for him). After he shares, ask if he is ever reminded about that event - a smell, a sound, etc (you may have to listen carefully to the story to find the trigger). Then ask if he remembers what he said after your training, and "without drama" try to explain to him how it was a trigger for you, and that, like his memory, reminded you of your not so good past and the hurt it brought. Then maybe talk about how you trust him to protect you, even emotionally. Hopefully by sharing his memory first he will better relate to what a trigger is and be a little more understanding (and choose his words more carefully in the future). Prayers for wisdom, guidance and strength.

 

[jenkins]

I'm glad you had the courage to post here, that is a big first step.

First you don't have to be around your parents if they are toxic, nor do you have to respect them. If they are not helpful and supportive, it might be best not to see them. I estranged my toxic mom for 20 years. Normally, she would want to be right, than try to understand my point of view.

As for your husband, he might have his own pain to deal with and it comes out as racism or prejudice (prejudging someone before he gets to know them). And men generally don't understand that listening to women is so important, this knowledge is not instinctual for many men. It's a skill they have to learn and it can take years to learn. (I'm a man, been there done that.)

If you want you can talk to him about something not too deep to test his reaction, but preface the conversation with something like "It's really important that you just listen and not comment." Asking him to be supportive may be too big a step for him and it may be a totally foreign concept he may not understand. Just start by asking him to listen.

The lesson here is, don't assume people will understand you. This is why clear communication is required for both parties, especially in a marriage. You could say my first marriage was a "practice marriage". I didn't choose a partner very well and I wasn't very good at communication at first. No one really teaches us anything about compatibility in long term relationships, and it's SUPER important.

 

[Friday]

should i avoid ever opening up to him about my wounds and pains?

So there’s a thing with PTSD (other people do it, too, but it’s pretty rampant with PTSD) called all or nothing thinking / black & white thinking.

Now... I don’t know your husband. Maybe he’s a complete asshole that you’d be a fool to ever confide in.

But if not? If he’s loving, as you say, and someone you usually trust and respect... Jumping from disagreeing with him ONCE (you think it’s a big deal whilst he thinks it’s drama is a disagreement) to never ever? (Always/Never are two of the BEST tells that one is kicking into all or nothing thinking.) Sounds like a pretty durn big leap to me. Especially when you’ve had days and days to be thinking about this thing, and getting more and more upset about it, and he’s had 2 seconds... and is seeing the end result, instead of having been along for the ride from the beginning.

Primary cognitive distortions (negative thinking styles) <<< You might find this useful.