Intrusive memories can be stubborn

[HannaD]

Last week:
I feel broken but, somehow am pulling parts of life off. I need to make plans for when I can't plan. Then bad days will be easier because, I'll have backups.
Music used to push out the ruminating thoughts. Then they came anyway.
I opted for silence and guess who's back. The belief that I am broken to the core.
For someone so broken then how do I do so much? Too much? Not for others, unbroken. But, it's still not enough. It never feels like enough. Not trying hard enough. Not being good enough.
Today:
I now wonder if constantly going was a survival tactic. If I'm busy then I feel safe? I'm not sure but, it may be connected.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have a very difficult time with intrusive thoughts as well. I also have some that parade around like core beliefs. All are negative. I thought I was managing them as well, still getting things done, making plans and backup plans, doing the dailies, etc..... Kind of like a functioning alcoholic. The thing is though, that all of "that" was still there and not being addressed. Now I'm not functioning and am finding myself in a very difficult predicament. Sometimes being busy or "constantly going" can interfere with our line of sight and before we know it, we're lost.

Since you are aware that things aren't working so well for you right now, maybe you can take this opportunity while you are still functioning pretty well to check in with yourself and to start working on fighting back against the thoughts and changing up the core beliefs. I don't know you've tried, but there are quite a few resources online to help with CBT exercises in this regard and also mindfulness exercises to help with the intrusive thoughts.

I don't know if this would help, but in order to get a lay of my mental landscape, I listed all of the thoughts and beliefs in my journal a couple of days ago. I also have memories that pop up as well like videos, but try to see what those are telling me and not just sit with the picture. If that makes sense? I also laid out a SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis of my current situation. I'm working with this and trying to see where I can make any progress in helping to get to a better place. I guess for you, what does "broken to the core" mean to you? What does "safe" mean to you? What does "enough" mean to you in the context of your life and challenges?

 

[HannaD]

Thank you. I have found CBT therapy to be very helpful. These moments are passing and even fleeting. I am just dismayed that it's ever happened and of the long term effects of trauma we live with. It can get depressing sometimes. I guess that's to be expected.

I guess for you, what does "broken to the core" mean to you? What does "safe" mean to you? What does "enough" mean to you in the context of your life and challenges?

"Broken to the core" relates to the traumatic events in my life and the long term effects that had on my brain and body. Intrusive memories and the thoughts they cause will happen.
"Safe?" I suspect in this case it's subconscious. I was assaulted when I wasn't busy, to say the least. My body remembers this and doesn't want to stop for rest. But, I know better.
"Enough?" It would be enough to have never been assaulted and to not experience my body react to normally pleasant things with pain and anxiety. But, that's not possible. So I guess I'll have to work on what's enough for me.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I happened upon some new podcasts this morning by Tara Brach on radical compassion. If you haven't read/heard any of her material, here's a couple of links for you to check out:

Talks: Audio & Video - Tara Brach

Guided Meditations - Tara Brach

She also has a new book out: Store: Books, Media and Online Courses - Tara Brach