Relationship Ups and downs

[Lucy Locket]

Hi, im sorry u r having a terrible time you must be very stressed out!
I think sometimes mental illness can be an excuse to behave badly.
You drove for 10 hours to see him, then he left you in the rain in a town u didn’t know. That is not ok, I don’t care who u r or what your illness is.
If I friend told u the same thing about their boyfriend what would u think?
I know its hard, but I think u need to to break up for good with this person. He isn’t good for u and u deserve to be happy. He has a lot of problems but treating u badly and making u feel vulnerable and alone is not love.

 

[AngelBaby]

Hi, im sorry u r having a terrible time you must be very stressed out!
I think sometimes mental illness can be an excuse to behave badly.
You drove for 10 hours to see him, then he left you in the rain in a town u didn’t know. That is not ok, I don’t care who u r or what your illness is.
If I friend told u the same thing about their boyfriend what would u think?
I know its hard, but I think u need to to break up for good with this person. He isn’t good for u and u deserve to be happy. He has a lot of problems but treating u badly and making u feel vulnerable and alone is not love.

After that incident, he apologized and explained he was feeling extremely insecure about his lack of libido at the time and started taking steroids. He is now clean and taking care of his mental and physical health. His health is his responsibility and I’m glad he’s taking the initiative to get help.
Since writing this, we have been in communication and I set some boundaries for our relationship. I’m just trying to hold on and support him the best that I can. I know that if things continue like how they were or if he shows signs that he isn’t helping himself, I won’t be around.

This definitely hasn’t been and still isn’t easy. I care a lot about him.

He struggles a lot with self worth, he feels deep down I deserve better than him and at times he will break down about how awful he was towards me.

 

[Deanna]

I think sometimes mental illness can be an excuse to behave badly.

I agree. Both myself and my partner are both PTSD and angelbaby's partner would be new to me. We don't act that way but we are both medicated. My boyfriend gets on my nerves as well. ( even with medication)

 

[Lucy Locket]

After that incident, he apologized and explained he was feeling extremely insecure about his lack of libido at the time and started taking steroids. He is now clean and taking care of his mental and physical health. His health is his responsibility and I’m glad he’s taking the initiative to get help.
Since writing this, we have been in communication and I set some boundaries for our relationship. I’m just trying to hold on and support him the best that I can. I know that if things continue like how they were or if he shows signs that he isn’t helping himself, I won’t be around.

This definitely hasn’t been and still isn’t easy. I care a lot about him.

He struggles a lot with self worth, he feels deep down I deserve better than him and at times he will break down about how awful he was towards me.

My husband is the same. He struggles with self worth and has angry outbursts, seemingly from nowhere. I love him loads and we have been together for many years but it hasn’t been easy. However, he is a very thoughtful and caring man. He looks after me and talks to me all the time about how he is feeling. Although he can get angry, sometimes at me for whatever reason it is short lived, he insists on talking it out and he is never cruel.
If I thought the bad times out weighed the good i would not be with him. You will have to make that decision for yourself.
Things have been tough recently and I am seeing counsellor myself to have some much needed support without judgement, which I highly recommend. I feel like my thoughts have been hijacked by thinking about his needs all the time, but talking to a therapist about it is helping. Ive discovered I have issues I need to work on too, which will help us both in the long run.
Good luck to you! I hope u find happiness in your relationship, but I would suggest you put a deadline on it. For example, if things haven’t improved in 6 months call it quits. As painful as it will be, your life is precious.

 

[AngelBaby]

My husband is the same. He struggles with self worth and has angry outbursts, seemingly from nowhere. I love him loads and we have been together for many years but it hasn’t been easy. However, he is a very thoughtful and caring man. He looks after me and talks to me all the time about how he is feeling. Although he can get angry, sometimes at me for whatever reason it is short lived, he insists on talking it out and he is never cruel.
If I thought the bad times out weighed the good i would not be with him. You will have to make that decision for yourself.
Things have been tough recently and I am seeing counsellor myself to have some much needed support without judgement, which I highly recommend. I feel like my thoughts have been hijacked by thinking about his needs all the time, but talking to a therapist about it is helping. Ive discovered I have issues I need to work on too, which will help us both in the long run.
Good luck to you! I hope u find happiness in your relationship, but I would suggest you put a deadline on it. For example, if things haven’t improved in 6 months call it quits. As painful as it will be, your life is precious.

he would freak out about very minuscule things and have a full blown rage anxiety attack, I’d become overly emotional and we’d Have to take a breather from eachother until later on he’d come around and apologize for his behavior and we’d continue on having a good date or night.

That one huge blowup fight was terrible, the way he treated me was not out of love, and I do not make excuses for his behavior during that time. I realized during our breakup that it was one incident after another, built up resentment, and the lack of good communication that resulted in us not having a healthy relationship at that time. That break showed me that I too had my faults that contributed. I’m not perfect but I put a lot of blame on him for things when my reaction only exasperated the issue.
Once he started seeking proper help, went to the VA, began getting his life together again, I gave him that second chance.

My family are very weary of us continuing our relationship with how it was left off. I’m keeping the faith that he will get better and we can both work on our shortcomings.

How did you over come and have a lasting marriage? He feels he will never have a family and he doesn’t deserve love. He tells me time and time again that I should move on and not wait for him, that I don’t deserve to “ride it out” because he wants me to find true happiness.

 

[Lucy Locket]

he would freak out about very minuscule things and have a full blown rage anxiety attack, I’d become overly emotional and we’d Have to take a breather from eachother until later on he’d come around and apologize for his behavior and we’d continue on having a good date or night.

That one huge blowup fight was terrible, the way he treated me was not out of love, and I do not make excuses for his behavior during that time. I realized during our breakup that it was one incident after another, built up resentment, and the lack of good communication that resulted in us not having a healthy relationship at that time. That break showed me that I too had my faults that contributed. I’m not perfect but I put a lot of blame on him for things when my reaction only exasperated the issue.
Once he started seeking proper help, went to the VA, began getting his life together again, I gave him that second chance.

My family are very weary of us continuing our relationship with how it was left off. I’m keeping the faith that he will get better and we can both work on our shortcomings.

How did you over come and have a lasting marriage? He feels he will never have a family and he doesn’t deserve love. He tells me time and time again that I should move on and not wait for him, that I don’t deserve to “ride it out” because he wants me to find true happiness.

We have had a lasting marriage because apart from when the ptsd raises its ugly head we get on well and have a good relationship. With us it comes in cycles. We can have weeks where everything is fine, then they’ll be weeks where everything is a trigger for him and he won’t be very well in his head. Work stress is usually a catalyst to things going badly. If he’s stressed at work his ptsd will be worse and he will feel negative and hopeless about everything. I mark on the calendar when he has had an episode because it usually comes in cycles and I can brace myself.
I think we have lasted so long because we have trust, loyalty and lots of lovely history together. It would be like losing a leg if we split up.

 

[Freida]

How did you over come and have a lasting marriage? He feels he will never have a family and he doesn’t deserve love. He tells me time and time again that I should move on and not wait for him, that I don’t deserve to “ride it out” because he wants me to find true happiness.

Hubby and I are on year 26. The only way we made it was for me to do the work. Period. He had patience and love but I had to decide he was worth the pain of dealing with trauma. If I hadn't we wouldn't still be together. There is NO shortcut. He won't change unless he wants to. That's not a reflection on you - that's the life with ptsd.

If he won't do the work then you have a choice. Accept him for who he is right now and stop trying to change him or leave.

I don't mean to sound harsh. But I think you are underestimating how hard it's going to be to have a long term relationship with PTSD

 

[AngelBaby]

If he won't do the work then you have a choice. Accept him for who he is right now and stop trying to change him or leave.

I’m not trying to change him. All I want is for him to get better. And what I expect from him is simple communication..letting me know how he is every few days without leaving me in the dark. Which I’ve made clear to him is one of the boundaries I have. Also, respect. I won’t allow him to disrespect me like he has in the past when he was agitated and triggered. It hasn’t happened yet, I know eventually it will, but I’ve learned to handle my reaction. I chose to vent here instead of going to him adding pressure and crying like I used to.

I don’t mean to sound harsh.

You don’t sound harsh at all, I have the upmost respect for all the couples who have made it out of those hard times and found ways to make it work. I know you have more insight. 26 years of it.

 

[OrangeJulius]

letting me know how he is every few days without leaving me in the dark

I won’t allow him to disrespect me like he has in the past

These are great boundaries. If he crosses them, what actions will you take? Thats the key with boundaries....the part that YOU DO when you observe behavior that they've chosen to partake in.

 

[AngelBaby]

These are great boundaries. If he crosses them, what actions will you take? Thats the key with boundaries....the part that YOU DO when you observe behavior that they've chosen to partake in.

As far as communication, I’ve voiced what I felt and he has apologized numerous times and said he will “try harder” because he gets so caught up in his day to day life, by the end of the day, he’s exhausted. So far he’s at least told me goodnight and I love you. Which is progress.

And with his temper and sometimes harshness, I won’t engage in conversation or the argument if and when that arises. Before I would go on with trying to prove my point, how he’s wrong and I’m right. It really did exasperate it.

He needs to do his work. And I’m aware I have my own work to do. He has told me the other night that he sees so many positive changes in me and he’s proud.

I’m here for a reason, to gain more insight and get advice with how to maneuver throught ptsd with him. When we first got together I wrote him a letter that I will attach below.

The only way I will ever leave him is if he isn’t getting the help he needs to have a health functioning life.

 

[AngelBaby]

My letter...

“
Tony, when we first met and you opened up to me about your ptsd, I never truly grasped what it was. I honestly had never heard of it. Throughout our relationship I was sad, worried, and thought that if I loved you enough I could save you and heal you. I didn’t understand just how it all worked. It wasn’t until I began doing research and reading up on it. I spent hours at night reading articles, then found a forum where sufferers and supporters write their experiences or troubles about their relationships and life did I begin to get a better understanding and gain some insight on how I can be a better partner for you. I know this is something you will live with for the rest of your life, I don’t want to change you, I accept you for who you are. I see your soul, your heart, you’re an incredible man. I love you, all of you. I just want you to know that I am here to support you, respect the boundaries that you have, and time/space you need to clear your head and get to a healthy place. whether you choose to open up to me now or in a couple years. I no longer take that personally because I know deep down you love me.
We were broken up for almost a year, during that time, I spent months working on myself and working on my self love. I lost my dad then lost you, had to learn to live life in a way that did not depend on a man for my strength.

I know now that I have it in me and I’m a better woman because of it. This conversation isn’t about me tho, i want you to know that I don’t hurt or feel abandoned, I don’t want you to be what you think I need, and I don’t need everything to be how I want it in order to be happy. When I told you I’m willing to go slow, I meant it. Whatever it is you feel comfortable with, I respect those boundaries and if it isn’t a good time to talk or see eachother because you have other obligations, I don’t want you thinking I’m stressing out about it. I want us to be in a good place and all I want is to be a better support system for you.”

 

[AngelBaby]

When I orginally wrote my post, I was so caught up in emotion. I was trying to get out of my head and keep my word to him. It’s not always easy. I’m human.