Friendships

[rightkindofme]

I lived in one area more on than off for 30 years. In that time I was super outgoing about building friendships and I carried the load with many dozens of people. My Christmas card list was just shy of 100 people long and that's because I limited it to people I had seen in person in the last year + people who were really consistent about contacting me at least once a year from a distance. But my relationships usually involved a lot of me doing a lot for other people and feeling super stressed out about how much effort I had to put out to carry these friendships.

I have moved to another country, another continent and I only have one long-term friend here. I have known her since we were 12. My anxiety is lower than it has ever been in my life but I'm very concerned about making new friendships and following toxic patterns from my past. Well, and the one long-term friend I have here is... not so great. She has said things like "anyone who home schools their children is going to end up with retarded children" "it's good your children aren't too academically behind (they are several grades ahead in most subjects but their handwriting isn't that great) because that way they can focus on how socially retarded they are if you put them in school." My kids tried going to school and they were getting hit almost daily by other children so they asked to leave school and she told me that I should make them stay and figure it out because she wants me to have more free time to hang out with her. She is putting a lot of pressure on me to put my youngest in nursery (it is free from the age of 3 in this country) ASAP because "she wants me to have a break" but I will wait and see if my kid wants to go and only do it if she wants to and I'll stop if my kiddo doesn't like it.

She hits her kid when the kid is having anxiety attacks. In general she parents in ways I don't think are great and being around her and her kids is incredibly stressful. She alternates between bribing and threatening and I find it really upsetting. There are a lot of parenting differences and I can't tell which are nit-picky "Just shut up and accept that people parent differently" and which are seriously f*cked up. Oh, I called the local child protective services on her recently for hitting her child (it's illegal in this country) so maybe this relationship will end because she is angry with me.... I don't know yet.

She's my long-term friend and I feel like I owe her some kind of loyalty. This is very anxious making for me. I have a real hang up about long-term relationships. This is the girl I went to when my monstrous father and brother both committed suicide when we were in high school. There are big ways she was there for me 20 years ago. But what does that buy her now?

I feel crummy when I think about seeing her and worse when I think about backing out of the friendship. I don't really know what to do. And I'm afraid to make new friends because I have a serious pattern of picking people who will use me and I'm completely done with that dynamic. I have a completely fresh slate here. I feel like I'm afraid to start writing on it.

 

[ladee]

I understand your situation with your so-called friend. Last year I ended a relationship with someone I considered my best friend of over 30 years. I am loyal to a fault or used to be.

The hateful remarks, the looks of disgust, the tone of her voice when she spoke to me, it all built up to me simply walking away. We do not live in the same town so it was simple to stop contact.

I had tried to talk with her but it always ended up with me feeling attacked by her passive/aggressive words.

And the truth of the matter is, we outgrow people. That doesn't make us better than them, it makes us healthier than them. It has taken me a long time to get people out of my life who fit in my past better than they fit in my 'now'.

And yes, I hope she stays away. If not, you do not have to answer her calls, texts or whatever. I blocked the person on everything she could have gotten in contact with me.

I have come to understand I do deserve good, kind, loving and supportive people in my life. Getting her out of my life was my gift to myself.

Follow thru. You don't owe her from the past.

 

[somerandomguy]

Agreed with @ladee. You don't owe her anything. People change and sometimes they change in ways that make it impossible for us to be around them.

Anyone who hits their kids to the point that you call child protective services? Not a good person to be around, especially when she also tries to pressure you into changing your own parenting style.

It's one thing if she's just a jerk to you - that in itself would be enough for you to avoid her. But she actively abuses her kids. Do you want to be around that kind of person?

 

[rightkindofme]

Not really. I am afraid that I am being stuck up. ?

 

[somerandomguy]

It's OK to be stuck up.

That's a middle school phrase, and that's a time of our lives when that phrase really hurts. But as an adult you are beholden to nobody. Who's saying that phrase in your head?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Would you give the advice to stay with the friend to someone else? It took me years to finally stop a friendship from my teenage years. She was abusive to everyone around her. She had no boundaries, so I was her. I tried to go no contact but kept going back. You don't need this, but it might take a while. Do what feels right to you.

 

[ladee]

No, you are discerning about what you want in your and your kids' life. Maybe you feel you are being 'judgemental' as opposed to 'stuck up'.

It's not that either. It is you seeing that your integrity and hers no longer mesh.

It took me a long time to finally go no contact with that old friend. The fact you are spending thoughtful time about this is a good thing. I understand you wanting your motive to be a healthy one. From what we are seeing, it is very healthy.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have an absolute terror of being judgmental. I desperately want to be an open minded, accepting person; often to my detriment.

A few things that are causing me to really worry about the relationship: Her tagline on social media is "I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right." That's really how she moves through the world. She believes she is always right no matter what. This manifests in ways large and small. She now claims that she was never abused as a kid because that allows her to maintain as much relationship with her family as possible. But I was there. She was sexually abused by a sibling, her dad used to beat her and scream at her in drunken rages, and her mom was happiest when my friend was so depressed she got rid of every possession she owned and sat in an empty room for over a year because "You finally stopped being a disgusting pig." Her mom is pretty horrifyingly inappropriate and boundary stomping and my friend likes to now diagnose her as being neuroatypical as an excuse. No medical professional has ever thought her mother was at all neuroatypical, it's just my friend excusing inappropriate behavior. I told her, "Even if you are neuroatypical treating people the way your mom does means you are still a bitch regardless of other diagnoses information. You can be both." She got really mad at me.

And I even like her mom... she's nice to me... but I see how she treats her kids and I wouldn't be one of them for anything.

She's a SAHM who won't clean, cook, or do any organization projects at all so she hires help to do everything for her. She sits around and watches Netflix and knits. She constantly criticizes my desire to clean my own house instead of hiring cleaners. She tells me that it's silly that I put so much effort into feeding my kids. She has her kids self-feed themselves from crisp packets (chips for the Americans out there...) and baby food squeeze packets because making food for them is too much effort. My kids are super adventurous eaters who will eat almost every vegetable you put in front of them without fussing. I've worked hard on making food a thing for our family. We have traveled the world and no matter what culture we put our toes in we enthusiastically try everything. (We refer to the Shakira song "Try Everything" as our buffet song.) My friend tells me that it's stupid that I do this with my kids because kids need to be in school learning to be kids.

She thinks it is stupid that I push my kids to exercise with me. She says that it is mean of me that my kids can all walk a solid 3 miles by the time they are 3 years old. Her kids start whining and fussing for her to carry them after 1/4 of a mile. She pays for taxis to go everywhere because she doesn't drive.

I would never pick this person for a friendship as an adult. She thinks it is mean to set boundaries with a toddler because "You are supposed to be their safe place, their always accepting person" until she runs out of patience then she screams and smacks. I'm very rigid and consistent with boundaries because I need to not get upset with my kids. I need to set boundaries I can hold without being upset. (Things like, "I am not a jungle gym and if you start to knee and elbow me I am going to stand up and leave the room because hurting my body is unacceptable." "If you ask me for something more than three times then you are pestering me and the answer is no for the day." "When I am in the process of making food for the family no you may not have candy, don't be ridiculous.")

I won't eat with her family anymore because her kids get impatient and whiny when food is being prepared so she gives them chocolate, then they won't eat the food. They sit under the table during meals licking people's feet and she won't tell them to stop. One of the last times I tried to eat with them her then-6-year-old SCREAMED at the top of her lungs through the meal because she was annoyed that people were not paying enough attention to her. My friend vaguely threatened to put her in her room but never did it because that would involve having to pull her out from under the table and "That's mean".

My kids hate being in a room with her children. Her oldest will scream bloody murder if anyone tries to go in her bedroom but will literally physically fight her way into my children's rooms.

Why am I trying so hard to hold on to this bullshit? Is it shame because I don't have a family to share with my children? (I'm fully cut off from everyone--my family is full of incestuous drug addicts who beat children.) Is this friend just better-enough that I feel like she's not below the cut off line so I can't say no?

My friend has lived in this country for over 10 years. Literally all of her friends are American ex-pats but she likes to lecture me on how my behavior has to change in order to "fit in" with local people. Everyone I am making friends with are people who are from here or who came here from other places. I don't think she is the authority on fitting in.

I could go on for such a long time about the ways we are incompatible. I am a highly motivated person with a huge drive to work. She does absolutely anything to get out of working.

What am I even doing?

 

[Friday]

I desperately want to be an open minded, accepting person;

Why?

 

[Ronin]

Sounds to me you two simply don't get along / your priorities on fundamental things, lifestyle, and needs as parents, as well as whole socializing, don't line up.

It's okay to walk away.
That's not a show of being a judgey jerk.

That's having different needs and minding what's best for you and yours.

 

[rightkindofme]

Why?

I don't know. This is such a huge, fundamental part of my self identity. I've never understood why it feels life or death to me to feel like I am not judgmental. Decades of therapy couldn't unravel this priority.

 

[Ronin]

Do you feel bad consequences follow that, you being judgmental?

Or is it more internal / just a thing you can't stand about yourself no matter what others do?