I can't keep doing this

[Strangelongtrip]

I've been spiraling downward for months. I don't know how to stop it anymore. I feel like I've tried everything. it just keeps getting worse. recently I keep staring off into space for hours or getting warped into my phone and losing all this productive time. I know I should rest, I've had bad health episodes and need to recover, but if I don't MAKE something or DO something I'm completely worthless. I asked about self worth on here and so many people gave me great answers but I just cried because I can't do any of that.

I can't sit with myself and know I have worth. I DON'T have worth unless I DO something. I am completely worthless otherwise. And even when I do something, nothing I do has value. I don't care about any of this anymore. I can't even talk to people about it because what are they going to do? I felt fine in therapy the other day but I keep spiraling when I have these sort of dissociative episodes.

I've been suicidal for a week but it comes and goes and I just ride it out. I don't want to see people or talk to people because then I'll say stupid things and KNOW I'm even more worthless. I don't know how to get back to where I was I was so good for so long.

 

[Ronin]

Do you remember what made you feel good that time ago?

You are doing by resting. All the regenerative activity of your body is doing.

Lesser all or nothing thinking if possible could help too.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I watched a funny youtuber for a bit and that made me feel good, I still feel guilty for taking all that time when I could have been working. I was working from 7am to 9pm for months on things and I’m trying to get myself out of it but it’s so difficult bc It’s such a nice way to avoid how much I don’t like myself and how much work I still have to do.

 

[Ronin]

All work no play makes Strangelong a very stressed woman. ;)

Truly. Play is needed. On every level. Can't just work.

 

[Rani G2]

I can't sit with myself and know I have worth. I DON'T have worth unless I DO something. I am completely worthless otherwise.

@Strangelongtrip a tough road you are walking on..
worthy/non worthy, the Doings, the achievements, the not achieved, Not seen and unseen, intellectual attempts to explain... many times feel like futile. Have tried to take it apart, put it back again and failing, then again having an idea of it, getting to this heart place..(feelings.., not the favorite thing of mine..) A tenacious struggle for existence.. but sometimes we can stick our head out of the sand and breathe, no sudden state of bliss (Atleast Not for me, yet ;-) ) just calibrating, and then voila sometimes things are and have been served I just didn’t see, I ran on a different trail. Sometimes it’s sports and a Short felt sense of dopamine, other times a movie and food..

Weariness of life is around the corner.. so no real advice, just to let you know that I can relate

Have been always stubborn, and I do fake it until I might make it and sometimes the results are good, sometimes bad.. and yes I see wisdom in being Thrawn. There is so much doctrine we need to look at and unlearn/ throw away. Not willing to run with the masses.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Thank you @Ronin ! I’m just looking to get possessed by a ghost in a creepy Colorado mansion hahaha.
thank you for your words @Rani G you have a way with them!! I’m also so bad with feelings, much better with thoughts. I have trouble integrating the two, or listening to feelings at all.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

I was able to spend time with a friend today and had fun, although afterwards I just felt like a terrible human. I wish I was kinder, I feel like I can do so much better as a person but I keep failing to do so.