Diagnosed With DID Also

[QuietNow]

I have no idea where this thread belongs, so I'll put it here.

I just did a 3 week stay inpatient in the trauma unit of the hospital due to my suicidal tendencies and the self-injury behavior that had hit a peak.

In week 1 of the stay, I became obsessively compulsive about keeping my bed perfect (could bounce a coin off of it, it was made up that tightly), folding my clothes perfectly, rolling the towels and origami-folding the washcloths --you get the picture.

In week 2 of my stay, one of the nursing staff chucked something of mine in my 'sharps' bin in the sharps closet. I blew up. But damped it almost immediately. I walked up to the charge nurse, and began telling her that "QuietNow is upset because your staff chucked something in her bin." The charge nurse, who has been around the block with this a few times, replied, "Are we speaking to QuietNow now?" I guess that reference to myself by name and in the third person was a clue.

And the reaction from me was as if you'd hit me with a tub of ice water. No, I wasn't aware of the conversation. Until she said that. I'd been floating in and out of awareness for two weeks.

The therapist sat down with me the next day and we went through a lot of questions and experiences. Yes, I've had issues in the past where I thought I was narcoleptic, but puzzled because most narcoleptics don't talk and move to another place when they sleep. Yes, I've had events where I kind of came to myself on the beach next to the ocean in the next state over from mine. I also had one where I came to with a car key in my pocket, winter, no coat, no purse, in a shopping mall an hour from home, no clue how I'd gotten there. I spent an hour or more walking the aisles to find my car on the other side of the mall. Lots of diving into the mall to warm up before I walked the next few aisles.

But those are extreme things that don't happen anymore. I do have a very spotty memory. And I can't seem to remember any of the trauma memories. The therapist was very interested in my ...wow, I don't know how to describe them...imaginary friends. I don't actually believe that they're real, but they've always been present in the background. I thought that they'd faded away and gone years ago.

During my time in hospital, somebody (not me but my body) kept coming to the nurse's station around medication time but before we were called up and asked for my meds. I'd go back two hours later puzzled asking the staff why I hadn't gotten my meds yet. It was beyond disorienting.

My diagnosis of DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) has now been changed to DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). And I'm in full scale denial.

I just am having real trouble imagining this. After all, if I was splitting off into personalities, wouldn't I know it? Wouldn't someone else have noticed it? I've seen some of the sites out there for this and they are beyond ...well, just beyond. I'm in my late 40's for goodness sake!! Wouldn't this have been visible before now? How could this be going on for years without me knowing about it? I don't find stuff that I didn't buy. I don't end up far from home anymore. I do occasionally feel like I "wink out" for a while when things get stressful.

But evidently one of the personalities talked to the staff. Someone that wasn't me. So they started probing.

I really, really, really, really, really don't want this diagnosis too. The PTSD is horrifying enough to handle. Having to deal with a tattered persona is just not the way I want to spend the next few years. And what if this is real? What if I really do have QuietNow #2 and Quiet Now #3 taking shifts on my consciousness. That is beyond words for me.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Quietnow,

I am sorry this is causing you so much anguish. When you think about it any of us may well enough have 'personality' 2 an 3 and not know. I read (I think in Judith Herman's book Trauma and Recovery, I am not sure) that people's personality can split due to trauma, so one can deal with the overwhelming horrible stuff, while the other can go on living a more normal life. Couldn't your becoming aware of the personalities or actions that don't seem to match with your state of awareness be a sign that you're starting to get close to reconciling the different fragments of your memory and identity and awareness?

I think that if the trauma can induce a splitting of ones identity, then addressing the underlying emotional pain left over from trauma should help reconcile the disconnected parts. I was pretty compartmentalized until some new abuse shook me enough to make me unable to keep the parts of my identity separated any more. I folded and then in therapy over time I reconciled the parts of me that were disconnected from each other. It literaly felt like the pieces of a puzzle just connected in the correct pattern, except the pieces were parts of me. It felt like I am a whole person, I don't have any other way to describe it. It was a very strong feeling, very fundamental. It felt like a huge relief too that I finally felt put together the right way.

I don't know if I am making any sense, I would just like to say that no matter what diagnosis you have, you are still you, even if you have memories and states of being that are not connected to your awareness. Split personality doesn't mean there are 2 or 3 persons there, you just separated different parts of your mental awareness in different drawers so they don't see each other, because some of the states of awareness deal with stuff that would be overwhelming to the parts of you that preserved your sensitivity and empathy etc. And maybe you don't open some of the drawers unless having a flashback or a trigger or a lot of stress. You were in a hospital, that must had been pretty stressful for a PTSD sufferer.

What I am trying to say, if you look at it as a diagnosis, it sounds foreign and scary, but if you look at it as a human response to some overwhelming trauma, it sounds more understandable and approachable.

Take care and btw, I appreciated your advice in my eating thread, the frozen oranges are a great tip!

Txs,
Bluecat

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Hey QuietNow, DID is really just another step along the dissociative highway really. I'm DID and wander off sometimes, but I'm still 90% PTSD. Still the same road, deal with the trauma, get better. Its normal not to want any new diagnoses, the ones we have are bad enough to deal with. If you want to PM me more about this feel free.
Take Care

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi QuietNow,

I feel like I have some "splits", dissociation has been a challenge for me. I think I have some co-consciousness, that kind of dissociation where I can see stuff happening but am not able to intervene, I'm in the background. When I've recalled some trauma experiences, I was aware of some "multiple" reactions. I've found some of the DID stuff to be helpful for me in managing and understanding some of these splits I seem to experience at times. Most people with DID also have PTSD, so the coping learned for PTSD I think will help you with the DID as well.

The other thing, is it's really good that your DID is diagnosed. It's not a hopeless situation at all. Your therapist can help you with dealing with the "parts" so it's safe for the parts to "speak their parts" about the trauma and what can be achieved is some co-consciousness, some understanding and a lot of significant healing can occur. DID people also tend to have higher than average intelligence and it was a remarkable coping strategy, when there was no-where else to run but back into one's head. It's an amazing coping strategy, children facing difficult trauma are able to use.

I took a mini "trauma course" taught by a trauma therapist and she describes dissociation as a "God-given gift children have, to help cope with impossible". You'll have opportunities to learn how to give back good nurture and care for these parts that have become fragmented. You are still there, you are at the core.

I know I have some splitting from some traumatic experiences, ways that I adapted to what was very overwhelming at the time. It was part of surviving what was too overwhelming, the splitting prevented extreme overwhelment and inner chaos, so that it could be manageable and I could function. What's complicated is that I might have continued splitting further on through adolescent trauma and onward. Some splitting creates distinctive "ego states", which hold their own sets of memories. Some splitting is not total ego state, but parts. I see it as closely related to PTSD, multiple traumas, traumas from childhood and onward.

I'm pretty sure I had one psychiatrist recognize that I had a split part, I think I've had a 10 year old who's been able to fake being an adult ;-), the psychiatrist would say things like "oh, you're really good" this mask, had a weird feeling of being 'discovered'. I've learnt some things about being able to soothe "child parts", doing art therapy stuff, crayons, age appropriate movies, having a stuffy-friend-- and I found that when I understood I was dealing with the distress of a younger part, when I practiced soothing techniques for a younger part, my distress eased a lot more-- so the cool thing is that I found a short-cut to help ease the distress. Knowing there's DID, I think will turn out to be very helpful in your recovery.

There's a neat article on the web called "The Internal Family Systems Model" which for me helped me understand a little more about how I am fragmented, how useful these parts have been for my overall functioning (from before it got so totally overwhelming from breakdown and "PTSD"). I think you have some interesting discovery ahead of you, and once you get through the shock of this, you may even feel much more relieved as time goes by and you are shown how to work with the parts, how to allow the parts safe expression.

I think it also helps explain that while one part of me has learned some coping skills, how it's hard to recall the coping skills at some times. I've heard that described as an experience of a "gatekeeper flashback". The bonus though is in learning to work with the parts, the other parts can come up to speed on learning healthy coping for distress-- you'll heal.

You're okay, you are still you. It's just that you might have some "inner allies" that you can work with and that's sometimes a really interesting discovery and can lead to greater empowerment over PTSD symptoms. Some people work towards "integration" others work toward "co-consciousness" it's all still you and so there's an interesting discovery process in learning to work with it. Some parts are more challenging than others, I have a self-destructive part, but I've learnt better communication and compassion and so a lot of that has been eased, and re-integrated.

There's a lot of hope. I don't think the DID diagnosis will add any further to your recovery time, I think it will actually help you. But understandably with something unknown, it's pretty scarey at first.

 

[QuietNow]

Lots of things to add to this, but I'm still whirling. As soon as I wrote that post, I lost the ability to read, write, follow the plot in a book/movie/tv show, and generally became pretty numb.

One of the therapy sites mentioned that DID therapy can involve trying to write with your left hand (if you are right-handed) because the non-dominant hand would be controlled less by the central Self. So I tried that over a couple of evenings. And freaked out one night when my left hand started writing. It felt like it wasn't me. Now, my logical mind is already dismissing this --self-hypnosis of the type induced with Ouija boards. But, this is not some otherworldly spirit guiding the pen, it's me. So, whatever I write, however weird I think it is, the experience and the content of the message is valid. I think it's truly weird to watch my hand write and not be the one in the hand's driver seat (so to speak). But it really freaked me out, so I haven't tried it since.

I'm getting stronger now. I think I'll be able to handle this. But it's disorienting to be talking to yourself. About yourself. To another part of myself.

Thanks, bluecat and nishkaa and seraphimfelldown, for the posts. They were really valuable. I'm a bit calmer about this now.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Quiet Now,

its scary to feel like you have no control of what your body or mind is doing. You're being really brave exploring the writting with your left hand. It takes a lot of courage to listen to your hurt self and gather the strenght to be there for yourself and be supportive and kind and patient with yourself.

It sounds like that part of you really wants to be heard. Did you have the strenght to read what you wrote? Thats not to say you should do anything that you don't feel comfortable with, you are the person who knows best what you are ready for. I hope you're getting support through this time and really glad to read that you're feeling stronger.

Take good care of yourself, I really feel for you. I had my body take on a life of its own before and it was very difficult.
Bluecat

 

[QuietNow]

Thanks, Bluecat.

The left-hand writing did freak me out. But it was a fairly simple message: "Are you there? Are you listening?" Written about 3 times. Shaky writing, but very very legible. While I do know that because I know the letter shapes I can write them with the left, this was different. More fluid. The writing looked shaky, but it was practiced and I don't remember ever practicing with my left hand.

I lost about an hour at a restaurant with the family the other night. Evidently I spent the time feeding Alex (the 2-year-old) ice cream from my chocolate shake while he sat on my lap. (Chocolate shake? ugh. I prefer strawberry usually but I almost never get shakes.) And chatting with the kids. And making sure all the kids got the right food order. I hailed a waiter and verified something in the order for one of the four kids. And then playing more with the kids. And telling them a story about a Princess and a Prince. Sounds like a wonderful time. I wish it had been me aware of that hour. Totally freaked me out at the end of dinner when suddenly everything was clear and sharp and super loud again and I realized that I'd been on a mental walkabout for an hour. Found out what happened later from my husband and my sister-in-law.

I'm probably worrying about this more which is why these symptoms are surfacing again. I also wish that I could stop being so exhausted. No matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I make my lifestyle, I'm fighting the exhaustion and these odd headaches that keep popping up. Tylenol doesn't work on them, but aspirin helps a little. Still can feel the headache even through the aspirin which is very odd. Usually aspirin zaps a headache.

 

[bluecat]

I'm fighting the exhaustion and these odd headaches that keep popping up. Tylenol doesn't work on them, but aspirin helps a little. Still can feel the headache even through the aspirin which is very odd. Usually aspirin zaps a headache.

Could these headaches and exhaustion be flashbacks? I get exhaustion flashbacks and they're hard to figure out, because I think, maybe am going down with something, didn't sleep well, but once whatever it was that wanted to be heard is heard, they go away. Its the weirdest thing. And it doesn't matter how much I sleep or rest or exercise. The only thing that helps is paying attention to what my memory has brought up and getting support while I explore it with my conscious mind. I feel like my last flashback took almost 2 years before I figured out what it was about. I've been 'clear in the head' for a couple weeks now.

Do you take any PTSD meds? I was put on 15 mg mirtazapine and that seems to have worked really well so far, knock on wood : )

I hear your frustration about the lost time and its also hard to deal with all the PTSD symptoms while trying to live your life. It seems to me like your 'other' part is a nice and caring person from the way she interacted with the kids. You seem to be doing progress, being aware that you have dissociative states is really great progress. With time you'll be able to integrate both or all parts of your mind and feel whole again.

Take care,
Bluecat