Can Anyone Talk About Any Compulsion To Ever Deliberately Hurt Yourself, And Yet You Got Through It

[goingonhope]

Now I'm doubting that this is going to make a whole lot of sense because I'm not entirely thinking clearly. What I guess I'm saying and asking is lots. Any answers, or any advice, or any shared personal experiences will help.

I'm feeling this compulsion to make people happy, to make people right, to please people, to give people something somehow to add to their personal victim stories, or something to focus upon as to why this world is so sad.

The thing is I want to, and family needs for me to, to get past this compulsion and without me bringing upon intentional, yet obsessive / compulsive harm to myself and pain to immediate family.

Now what does all this mean. I don't really know!

Make people happy! ........I wanna go into it and see for myself just exactly what I do mean, but it's to dark and too scary and too painful. I don't know where to begin, and I don't want to suffer more by going there, and where exactly I'm not sure, either ....but just there to that ugly, ugly, ugly, corrupt world where people find perverse satisfaction in another becoming destroyed, and where people find satisfaction in having been a part of this though they'll never tell you so, because they don't even know such fierce competition and pain, jealousy, hatred, indifference, or evil exists in them.

The place is that ugly, ugly, ugly, corrupt world where people are willing to go to any lengths to be right, even if it means.........

I can't write anymore here now while peering into that ugly world, it not helping. It hurts to much!

But this compulsion to harm and destroy myself right now remains, and what I think I really need is not understanding, or my expression, but specific advice as to what I might do to allow this urgent compulsion to pass.

I don't currently take any medicine, nor can I smoke myself sick tonight. I do have two medicines in the house that make me worse and one that might help, but even if I were to take that milder one, I'd be considered by some others as a loser and a failure and weak and inferior, and not worth the time.

So back on topic. How have you gotten through any desperate compulsions to harm or destroy yourself, and without doing so?

 

[zoe]

Yes. It wasn't graceful but I did. It is a matter of deciding that you have to reach out and not give a shit if anyone things you are a loser or not...which is hard to do when you are in "that place". It is taking the chance and calling someone you can talk to therapist, friend, minister anyone. It usually doesn't take long to calm enough to get through the night but it is getting to that point of asking for help that is hard for me. Usually after I talk to someone I can re-focus enough to distract myself until the feelings pass.

I don't know if that helps, but I hope it does.

Zoe

 

[goingonhope]

I feel too ashamed to post here in this thread. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't think to do so right now.

 

[Jade-]

How have you gotten through any desperate compulsions to harm or destroy yourself, and without doing so?

Yes, I have. Many times. Sometimes just riding it out works, cause the compulsion passes. Recently though, I did go seek help on an outpatient basis. If you feel you can't fight it, seek help.

Just read all my psychotic posts on the forum and you will see how many times I have gone through this. Each time I'm so embarrassed by it, but I figure, hey it's me and what I deal with. Maybe someday I will look back on it and be grateful I don't suffer with the compulsions anymore.

I'm currently fighting a compulsion to get a gun. I just want to feel one in my hand. It's like I'm "craving" the feel. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. If it doesn't go away soon, I will have no choice but to ask for help.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope this passses. If not, please get help with it.

 

[bluecat]

Hi Goingonhope,

I've head my compulsions, I used to act on them as a child, not so much now. Now I have a better understanding of whats going on and I also learned that if I just wait it will go away.

As a kid, I would kneel down on sharp things to hurt myself and pray because I thought it would somehow appease God who would deliver me from my miserable life and take me to heaven. I also forced myself to stay awake, not eat, go outside without proper clothes in the winter, because I wanted to get sick and die. I had the urge to get a gun and kill my father after he took away the one comfort I had, but luckily, that was impossible.

As an adult, I had more bizzare compulsions, like burn down my ex-lover's apartment and set him and me on fire, or jump off a bridge under a train or off a balcony.

I also have the compulsion to please people, I go and do more for my family and friends than I can afford or than is healthy, probably because I feel that thats the only way I deserve any love. I am working on this one and getting better at putting my needs first.

If it gets really bad, like the one with the desire to set myself on fire, I call my therapist. She addresses the emotions behind it and that helps. Most of the times, if its something less crazy, I try to think through the emotions on my own or wait it out. It always goes away eventually.

I hope you find some support to help you through these,

Bluecat

 

[jude]

I am struggling with the same issues. I want to hurt myself. I have been cutting since I was abotu 12 to 13 years old. I also have a strong feeling to end it all. It is not quite as bad lately though. It does seem to pass after awhile ( I don't know why) Please do seek help and get a Therapist. Try to get one that is experienced in PTSD.

Try with all of your will to ride it out when you feel like hurting yourself. I know how hard it is. You are worth more than you realize right now. Please don't hurt yourself. There is help and you are a good person. I know you do not feel that way right now. I am struggling tonight with the same issues. I have such a desire to harm myself because I feel like I deserve it. The truth is that you are a wonderful human being that God created. Hang in there and know that we all care and you are worth so much more than you realize right now. I care about you and so do the others in this group!

 

[dharmaBum]

I have had these impulses and in my current life I don't act on them. Sometimes they have been excruciatingly intense, but still I don't act on them. When I can, I isolate myself and try and follow through on the thoughts that call out for self-destruction without taking action. I've gone to the forest and screamed and cried and screamed. If I stay around people and I have to interact with them, it is likely a conflict will arise that will escalate my despair. I still don't act on the urge.

I meditate. I have sat before for 10 hours outside overnight, eventually greeting the dawn. Refusing to enter my house until a sense of compassion and integrity entered my self.

Finally, my spouse understands that when I say, "This conversation is overwhelming and I/we have to stop," he stops. If I consume even a little alcohol before or during this state it is supremely unsettling and pushes me toward the edge and away from safety.

Reading the information about emotional flashbacks posted on this forum on the article Emotional Flashback Management in the Treatment of Complex PTSD by Pete Walker really helped me understand how and why to wait through these urges.

Some people with PTSD get angry and strike out at others. Some people with PTSD strike out at themselves physically and emotionally. I'm in the latter category.

Part of the reason that I don't act on urges of self-harm is that I am a parent and I want always to protect my child, to be honest with her, and to be here for her in life. Having that kind of a pact has changed the landscape of self-harm since know that in the most extreme cases I will not take action, regardless of how ridiculously lost I feel.

I have also utilized hotlines a bit to manage the desperate upset that happens before things spiral toward self-loathing or self-abuse. If you choose to go that route, try calling when you are not stressed out to figure out how the process works. I made a video of myself calling a hotline when I was first struck with intense PTSD symptoms and suicidal ideation. I think I happened to be making videos anyway (webcam recordings of songs), I'm not sure. I watched that video about a year later, it is heartbreaking. The hotline I called had no ability to help me and I was on hold for so long many times. I can see myself getting calm while I wait, and then trying to talk to someone who is just trying to ascertain if I literally have a gun to my head or have just been raped, and then waiting some more. And in the video I'm so polite as I try to assuage the fears of the hotline worker who is unable to actually talk to me for a moment about my struggle. My voice is polite and as friendly as can be managed, but the video really shows the pain and fear and suffering.

 

[goingonhope]

There is a number of reasons why right now it's no wonder I have such a compulsion. All of what I'm going through is rapidly building and building and building. I'm panicky right now and this is just too much. Screaming is not going to help.

I'm just a f'n mess, and I'm ashamed to be saying this here. Damn me, I don't have the right. It's GD selfish. It's wrong. Fck.

Trying to get my senses back with me. I think I should stop and slow down. First things first, I am in pain from throughout my body and really bad. It comes on intensely and is not localized in any way, shape or form. The pain is throughout my body head to heal and I think that I need some medical attention because it is severe, when it hits every so many 5 to 10 min. or so. But, my confusion and fear is that when it passes for that 5 / 10 min. I don't even want to believe that it is real. I wanna tell myself and believe that it's all in my f'n head. And, that is just what those most frightening people at the ER will believe, that because no sufficient tests can nor won't be done there that this must be all in my head. And, I know this isn't true, but when the fck does the truth ever matter?

I don't want to turn this into a vent. Rather, is it really Ok. to call for help, as I think I'm going to need to call an ambulance to transport me to the closest ER. And, I'm so deathly afraid of that place, the people likely there too and I know I don't trust that they can help me, ...but I can't help myself right now either because the issues are certainly physical but emotional as well. Can someone please tell me to go ahead and spend money and time which I don't have to do this and maybe reassure me ahead of time that even if they just further my exhaustion and add to my pscyhological distress while accomplishing maybe little to nothing, that this is a risk worth taking?

I think I'm worth it, others here think I'm worth it, but when it comes to expenditure of time, inconvenience and monies I cease to believe I'm worth it, because I've recently enough known others that don't think I'm worth it. My husband, well, he'll just end up very afraid, while denying his fear even to himself, and so therefore, some stuff might come at me as if he's angry with me, but I must remember it's just fear.

 

[goingonhope]

I lost my question amidst that mess. I think I should call an ambulance, does anyone think that this is ok to do, even if it's an all around bad idea in my head?

 

[goingonhope]

Ok. forget the question, it's f'n silly of me. I'll figure out what to do. I will, most definately. I always do. Forget those posts.

 

[Michel]

Hi goingonhope. Just woke up to your messages, sorry you had to wait so long for a response from someone.

YES. I think it's "OK" to call an ambulance in the circumstances you describe. You can always call the ER first, if you're not sure you need to go, and talk to someone there about what's happening. Ask their advice.

It would take time, money, energy, and that sucks. I hate hospitals myself, know they've caused me more harm than good. But when I was assaulted recently and felt immense pain, I went right away. I remember years ago going to the hospital because I thought I might be having a heart attack, but thinking I really wasn't, but maybe I was... I went and my heart was fine. Was probably having a panic attack. Went another time because I woke up unable to breathe. They gave me muscle relaxants. Neither visit helped me, both cost money and took time and were unpleasant. In a functioning medical system, the information obtained even at useless visits would be transferred to your doctor, and as it accumulated, a better understanding of what you really do need should emerge (in my case, that I might have an anxiety disorder), but our medical system is dysfunctional. So, should I have gone? It turned out to have been unnecessary, but all we can do is use our non-medical judgment to assess our own conditions and when we are afraid something might be wrong, have it checked out by someone who knows more than we do.

If you didn't go to the ER last night, go to a doctor today. That's less scary, less expensive, less time-consuming.

I'm not sure I understand why you ask yourself in this context whether you're "worth it?" You are worth getting whatever is best for you - it sounds here like the problem is that sometimes figuring out what is best for you is not easy.

Let us know how you're doing today.

 

[Jade-]

Yes, definitely make that call hope. You ARE worth it.