Can Anyone Talk About Any Compulsion To Ever Deliberately Hurt Yourself, And Yet You Got Through It

[goingonhope]

I just wanna say here that as helpful of an entire thread as this has been, it's been overwhelming. So there are things left unsaid in response to comments people have made, and if those comments are to ever be communicated, I'm just going to need to take it slow.

My therapist told me today that I had to get back to basics and start taking very, simple basic steps and care of myself. He made me aware that I am really, really at dangerous levels for me now thinking and living too much in the past. He said, that he imagines me as a soldier, as I've been this past year, in the field constantly hypervigilant. He also said that symbolically I have countless every day things, as well as, my present day circumstances wrapped up in the beliefs that it is all a matter of life or death. He said lots more, in far less words then I'd ever use. He is remarkable.

Hadn't had a T session in weeks and my next one is next week, and I'm hoping to be in a position where I can say very little and let him do the talking. Maybe, I can go in with a back pocket full of questions, just in case it would be useful, if he doesn't have much to say. As I really would like him to do most of the talking one of these days, like next week, and me to do very little.

 

[Iam]

Hi GoingOnHope. I am sorry that I saw this thread so late. You have done an incredible job of fighting thru this. I know that you are still fragile right now as I have gone thru this thought process so many times myself. IN=n fact I am just coming out of a really close call a few weeks ago and am getting stronger again, day by day. Thank you for compiling the list. I know putting it together helped you thru this period, this day. It will help you and others who utilize it in the future. I know that I am marking this thread so that I can come to it when I need to.

You are an incredibly strong woman to have survived all you have and to continue fighting. You are worth it and you do deserve to make your own choices and to have a good life. We can choose to feel good about ourselves, at least that is what my T tells me. We can choose to replace the lies with truths. I have been doing that over the last week in situations where I am triggered. The positive self talk is helping me. I can see that it has helped you too. Thank you so much for taking your pain and turning into something so positive, something that we all can use. I am so glad that you talked about what you were/are feeling. Your honesty and how you have worked thru this is a model for me to follow. Wow...have you made a difference! I am acutally thinking of copying the list, all parts of it and taking it into my T as part of the "No self harm/no suicide" plan he and I have discussed putting together. Thanks ;o)

 

[goingonhope]

Hello Iam, That would be a great idea to copy and take it into you T.

Hey, and thank you for your comments and I appreciate your support and kindness.

Here are the names of a couple 5 star books, which may interest you.

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-1 Self Talk, Soul Talk: What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, 2007, Jennifer Rothschild


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-2 Me Myself & Lies: A Thought-Closet Makeover, 2009, Jennifer Rothschild

I've started reading the first one today and, in the right amount of time, will do so with both, as this thread has taught me the necessity and the urgency for me of life-breathing self-talk.

Just an opportunity for those interested, and just one of the inspirational fruits of this thread.

Take it easy Iam.

 

[goingonhope]

This has been a tough thread to be a part of because I had been in a tremendous amount of fear, as well as, physical and emotional pain; This has lessened, but yet to go anywhere or evaporate.

I felt so helpless to know what to do for relief. And, with all this, add in the current variables in the way family and I are having to handle an enormous amout of stress and expectations, much of which is shockingly sudden and in our faces; This can still and certainly did make me just so terribly ill, and even as I had to keep showing up. I needed relief terribly so! I'm finding some through this thread and through the inspirations it is providing. I cannot give my rage/compulsions leverage to destroy. I must make choices while first knowing that such choices exist.

I am very fortunate that my physical pains has currently lifted some and I did not have to go to the ER. That, and my emotional pain and fear however had escalated out of the realm of ever again imagining any hope or manageability again and didn't pass any too quickly. In fact, it's all still here, but not hopeless and for this time being my worser compulsions have passed. There is one which hasn't passed thus far and it is intolerable to me, and a few far milder ones which I've been thus far unable to quit, but they don't come anywhere's near the fear that was overcoming me with thinking the way I had been thinking.

All this overwhelm demands relief, and now I've found and shared some, and something I'm learning is most important and that is taking control over our personal self-talk. Not depriving ourselves, as we may've been deprived. Not neglecting ourselves, but rather I'm learning here that relief is found in closely monitoring our own voice and self-talk; Rage on top of Rage, I'm learning is found in neglecting to do so.

I see now how we ourselves torment ourselves and remember and know just how dangerous and deadly this can become. ie. The lies I believe, the lies I tell myself, the invisible force which given the power can make these lies a reality, the negative and harshest of voices I'm learning is in my own head.

 

[goingonhope]

I Can Know that I am not alone and that others are struggling with the same symptoms, and even like issues, which I too struggle with.

I Can Know that resulting from the symptomatology and grief of me having CPTSD that I am not alone in sometimes wanting to hurt myself or destroy myself; Symptoms can be managed or treated and grief can be addressed and healed.

I Will Permit Treatment of my symptoms and honestly own and address whatever its cause, as well as, my grief; As I remember to breath and do my best, I am well on my way to a life of surrender and acceptance, and in spite of having (C) Ptsd, thus I am no longer fighting myself.

I Can Remember I now have choices!

It's nothing short of a mini miracle that tonight, while thinking and feeling as I am, that I can remember that this is here. I need this tonight.

 

[Artista]

Been many moments, especially when I was younger and I felt backed in a corner. Like the pain on the outside needed to match the inside. I felt that way but something always stopped me. I am grateful to have some sort of inner voice that yelled at me to stop, to value my life. That I am in no way "done" and needed to keep my eyes forward, not looking back!

It IS a miracle or something from the divine light in us that holds us. I think it is just hard to listen at times... the noise from the pain is so great it drowns out the good. I always send out a prayer that people in despair can hear the good and the potential inside them... a whisper that builds to a scream in favor of surviving and then finally being more than that but victorious over the monsters and pain. I say it a lot now... NEVER let the monsters win! I sometimes even think in doing so, its good power will spread out... the energy from the fight you win may lessen the evils in the world. A small battle won.

 

[goingonhope]

For some folks, ....We Can Remember, we've gone through this before and we will likely go through this again, all suffering and turmoil which can be gotten through.

This what I'm grabbing hold of tonight; Right now, this is still believable, ...that I can survive this night. But that in itself is a problem, because quite frankly I think I just may have a unexhaustable supply of tolerance to suffering.

 

[LSNP]

I have never understood cutting until recently. I haven't done it..... but for the first time ever, I can understand the compulsion. It is disconcerting.

 

[just me here]

This what I'm grabbing hold of tonight; Right now, this is still believable, ...that I can survive this night. But that in itself is a problem, because quite frankly I think I just may have a unexhaustable supply of tolerance to suffering.

yes! I can always see a way to get over the fence that suffering a trauma puts in my way. I also have an inexhaustable ability to tolerate the crap that comes my way. Its the falling on my face on the otherside of the fence that gets me. After all, we don't suffer from an inability to survive a trauma, we suffer from an innability to return to a normal, liveable stress level for years after the trauma.