Can Anyone Talk About Any Compulsion To Ever Deliberately Hurt Yourself, And Yet You Got Through It

[just me here]

just returned from a search to get that Vonegut quote right, and it isn't his. I think it was Mathew Modine playing Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket. Sorry for the shivers, it is my style to be as plain as possible and thinking about suicide is a harsh reality that it is hard to speak openly about without creeping the hell out of someone, even me and I wrote the post. I am glad to hear you say you are feeling better, it sure beats the hell out of the alternative, doesn't it?

 

[bluecat]

(I certainly am going to be reading this thread as well as positively washing and likely re-washing my brain with all comments, so I've written it in such a way as to highlight combined suggestions, wisdom and experience of forum members and for all of us.

This 'I Can' / 'I Will' list is here for everyone of us

Hi Hope,

I am glad your crisis is over and that you're seeing the hope now : ) I got worried as I read through the thread from the point where I left yesterday, but I am so glad you're feeling better and that this is where you are now. It seems to me like you were having a really bad emotional flashback. I am glad you were able to come through and realize how different you and your life is today, so full of hope and strenght that you can extend to others. The list shows that very clearly.Thanks for posting it.

Here are some more :Hug_emoticon:

 

[goingonhope]

Collective Suggestions, Wisdom & Experience, (part 2)

(I certainly am going to be reading this thread as well as positively washing and likely re-washing my brain with all comments, so I've written it in such a way as to highlight combined suggestions, wisdom and experience of forum members and for all of us.

This 'I Can' / 'I Will' list is here for everyone of us who needs, reads and puts such suggestions into action, and in spite of anything.) Thank you for sharing directions and wisdom and experience to release destructive compulsions, as well as isolation.

I Can Find and choose the options and resolve to act on alternatives to my compulsions.

I Can Gain a better understanding of what's going on inside me and around me through reading, discussion, therapies, reflection, evaluation, education, honesty and nature.

I Will Repeatedly Postpone the deliberate hurting of myself and wait even longer then before if necessary, rather than acting upon destructive compulsions to cause or bring harm upon myself. The re-experiencing of emotions resulting from trauma can and do pass.

I Can Count Myself In and choose to do equally as much for myself as I would for a loved one, beloved family member or friend. I Will create balanced loving.

I Can Choose to learn to love, or I Can choose to learn to hate, but it's all my choice, as I Can choose!

I Can Choose to learn to forgive, or I Can choose to learn to resent, but it's all my choice, as I Can choose!

I Can Do things pleasing for myself, as well as I do for others.

I Can Call my therapist, even if only to leave a very important message. And, I Can accept that I am not in control of the result; I will not die from such a phone call.

I Will Allow my therapist a turn to speak as well, (smiles) while I practice mindful listening to her/him. (lol)

I Will Consider thinking through the emotions behind my destructive compulsions. If writing things down helps me to think, I'll write much. If speaking on the phone or to another understanding human being helps, (even though this may appear impossible at the time being) I Will choose to speak and/or call away; I Can be freed from any additional neurotic guilt if I remember that the understanding person that I am speaking with may very likely get as much out of the conversation as I do. ...(even if this doesn't seem so initially to either one).

I Can Remember that re-experiencing clusters of negative trauma related emotions and/or flashbacks can pass and do go away, (if only for a time) there is relief just ahead or around the corner. Such experiences, do decrease and improve so much that I may miss them. (lol) I Can rest assured knowing that my spirit mind is healing, spirit heart is most postively compensating and that life is well in balance.

I Will Seek and Find the support and help I need to get me through crisis and overwhelming pressure and suffering. And, I'll remember that my choices in attitude and expressions of gratitude can go a long way to help support others, and while unlodging or preventing inertia from settling in.

 

[goingonhope]

Already your suggestions are helping. I have taken some of them in this morning's crisis.


We've got urgent f'n matters here and they're all so complicated. This post belongs in ths thread because it is exactly all this that would have me desire to deliberately hurt myself. I ABSOLUTELY NEED relief from all this. And, any real relief is not going to come in the fashion of any sort of abuse to myself or anyone else, or the ideas in my head. Those ideas are all a f'n illusion to destroy.

I am not well so please do not expect me to be. I'm not saying that anyone here expects me to be. I expect me to be and everyone here expects me to take claim to a world that doesn't exist.

I cannot be called a f'n bitch one more time. In fact, if I were called just a f'n bitch, I could manage, but that's not the real deal. There is so much more, and I cannot stand in anymore!!!!!!!!!

O.k. calming and breathing some. blowing out the filth, ...the f'n abuse and all this bullsh't.

breathing and waiting. Waithing for calls. Called three people two therapists one admissioins staff member. Need to calm down and collect any senses left to me.

Came here to the forum not to spill like this as it's rather disgusting to me, but am doing so anyhow. I'm hoping that it will help me calm, because quite frankly I don't have people here in or around town, in my immediate life, outside of the therapists I called, that understand much. Sorry guys, but you' all really do have a tremendous amount to experience and learn for hand before the language you speak makes a bit of sense to me.

Anyhow traveling far away from intended purpose of finding this thread.

I did it. I called while desperate and a'mess. I called and thus far got three answering machines. I'll wait now, and think harder, and perhaps distract myself while browsing everything but nothing.

All that matters, right now, is that this very huge and most serious issue, and the ones that follow behind find solutions, answers, help. I know that this sound like I am being a drama queen, but the absolute truth here is that I already am self-destructing and rapidly dying. That's why I think of things like relief and things like deliberately hurting myself, because in all of this when will mission statements and talk, and sweet promises and hopes and referrals become little more then some sic game for all to play, wtf is a person to do to find services and real help.

The insurance companies they play a mighty fine game, all to there advantage. The billing department of ER's, certainly should f'n consider for a moment as to whether any real services were rendered and ought to bill according to reality.

Chuckling as I think of reality. Outside of the people here, I don't know if I've ever met many folk that give two sh'ts about reality.

And, ....then I shouldn't say anmore.

Have calmed down some, going out to buy a pack of cigg's and returning to the forum awaiting phonecalls.

 

[goingonhope]

Already your suggestions are helping. I have taken some of them in this morning's crisis.

I have calmed down much and can think better then before. One therapist returned my call, and the hospital admissions staff returned call with some advice as to somethings I must do. The other therapist, hasn't called back yet. I am to do what I was told to do.

People, I am confused. I'm not sure as to whether I should be terribly sorry for my previous post or that's it ok. I really don't know the answer to this because everything in me tells me that I am to feel guilty and too feel sorry, and yet then there is thoughts that suggest that telling the truth of a reality is ok. So I don't know, or trust what's what.

Even as I write the last sentence or two I can see the link with all this and previous trauma's. You know, I now know that I shouldn't really be here upon the forum while desperate. Me thinks I should get well first and then come to the forum. Me thinks that anything I write from this point on will be spew, as well as anything I've written prior, outside of the 'I Can', I Will' posts which was compiled from your excellent support and suggestions.

I will say that having overcome a certain obstacles and having a place to come to in all that anxiety, and to read suggestions, prior to my phone calls today and asking for specific help, I will say that I think it allowed these phonecalls to happen. This is not the first time I've been this desperate, but it is certainly one of those times that everything is helped through me knowing what to do and doing it.

Wouldn't have been able to do it without first this great support and suggestions. Will be compiling more parts of the 'I Can' , 'I Will' list, from all your comments, and at another time.

I Will rely upon these lists of your suggestions, experience and wisdom, to get through all this. As I need these options, answers and specific 'do this' advice.

So, I know what it is to do next. I look at the list and I do it.

About to continue following such direction very shortly, will let you know how it turns out.

Thank you all for all your help!

Sincerely,
goingonsuggestions, ...............I think this should've been my username.

 

[Jade-]

I'm glad you have calmed down. I totally understand and relate to your feelings of desperation. Keep us all updated......

 

[goingonhope]

Just entirely too stressed and anxiety riddled. Maxed, burnt, feeling hopeless and exhausted. Day was filled with much 'I Can' efforts and accomplishment and frustration and despair.

 

[goingonhope]

Read recently that compulsion is the container for rage. Yup.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Hope,

I am so glad to hear you are calmer. In response to this.....

People, I am confused. I'm not sure as to whether I should be terribly sorry for my previous post or that's it ok. I really don't know the answer to this because everything in me tells me that I am to feel guilty and too feel sorry, and yet then there is thoughts that suggest that telling the truth of a reality is ok. So I don't know, or trust what's what.

We have all been "broken" here and will probably continue to break, since this disorder is never "cured". What a better place to "break" than among those who can help you pick of the pieces. That is what the forum is all about, support and encouragement.

Please do not feel guilty or sorry. There is no need to, since you were just fight through a tough time. As a result, you put together these great lists we can all benefit from when we break.

Take care Hope.

ITL

 

[goingonhope]

As a result, you put together these great lists we can all benefit from when we break.

This is about all I can feel good about in this thread, the rest has brought on nothing more then shame and shame attacks. I wish you many blessings in this life-time on your living and healing journey, ITL.

When, ...I don't know but I really have a part 3, and at least a part 4 list of truths to compile from jude's experience and support through and up to this recent post of yours. Part 1 and part 2 are really from Zoe, Jadebear and bluecat to all of us, I just put there words into an 'I Can', 'I Will' list.

 

[goingonhope]

This is about all I can feel good about in this thread, the rest has brought on nothing more then shame and shame attacks.

I feel the need to clarify something here, in referring to "the rest" as mentioned above, I am speaking of 'my other posts', not other's comments. In fact, I cried over many of those because they really touched me.

 

[goingonhope]

Collective Suggestions, Wisdom & Experience, (part 3)

(I certainly am going to be reading this thread as well as positively washing and likely re-washing my brain with all comments, so I've written it in such a way as to highlight combined suggestions, wisdom and experience of forum members and for all of us.

This 'I Can' / 'I Will' list is here for everyone of us who needs, reads and puts such suggestions into action, and in spite of anything.) Thank you for sharing directions and wisdom and experience to release destructive compulsions, as well as isolation.

I Can Know that I am not alone and that others are struggling with the same symptoms, and even like issues, which I too struggle with.

I Can Know that resulting from the symptomatology and grief of me having CPTSD that I am not alone in sometimes wanting to hurt myself or destroy myself; Symptoms can be managed or treated and grief can be addressed and healed.

I Will Permit Treatment of my symptoms and honestly own and address whatever its cause, as well as, my grief; As I remember to breath and do my best, I am well on my way to a life of surrender and acceptance, and in spite of having (C) Ptsd, thus I am no longer fighting myself.

I Can Know that many Ptsd sufferers, complex or otherwise, have strong feelings to end it all. This is not an unique thought process, nor perhaps not a unique compulsion.

I Will Remember that mystery is still alive, and strong feelings to bring upon harm to myself seems to pass after a while, without the need for delving, reason nor logic.

Certainly, I too Can Remember that such self-destructive thoughts can pass away from the scene when, I allow for or make, some sort of positive changes (internal and/or external)

I Can Remember that my personal choices and the care which I seek, while allowing it to be provided as well as permissably following through in action, may help me greatly with my self-destructive/harming thoughts and compulsions;

........................Whatever the course be, such strong self-destructive thoughts and/or actions which go, and have gone away, do not define me, nor do they predict the story of what my life is to become.

Through the choices I make today, I Can influence the unfolding of a well lived, decent life.

I Can Get a therapist.

I Can Seek an Experienced Ptsd / Trauma therapist.

I Will with all my force ride it out when I feel like hurting myself. Even though this is hard to do, I Can do it!

I Can Know that I'm worth more than I realize right now.

I Can Help myself; This is alright to do, ...it's even good at it's best. I Can Remember that I matter as much as others.

I Can Remind Myself that somewhere there is some form of help always available to me; And, I Can seek and find it!; I am more powerful then I trust or know. -- (The key word is somewhere, ...yet let us know it's alive and let us seek help now!)

As the good person that was born and now Can be, I will do good things, as well as seek and apply advisable and far improved options;

Self-harming, self-neglecting, self-abuse and destruction all beg my attention, I Will approach these such chatter-box voices with understanding and regard for its plea, but not bend to, nor permit its intentions.

I Can, with some humility, (if) I choose, ... choose my own intentions for this day and go out there and give it my very best; Each day, I likely make more choices then I know or admit to. I Can Remember I now have choices!