rumor18894
Learning
So my T was telling me that the reason I kept feeling this need to tell people about my trauma is because on some level I wanted to be forgiven/told it's ok/not my fault because I subconsciously feel guilty about it. So I was thinking like.... the only people I don't feel the need to talk to about this are my family (or, really, the people I REALLY want to talk to are my parents and sibling, but because I know that they won't give me what I need I repress it and it leaks out onto other people) so basically it's so fun to have been traumatized by the few people I literally cannot cut out of my life because a) I actually do love them (hahah f*ck everything) and b) I'm currently financially dependent on them
but mainly A b/c I feel like if I did end up cutting them out I could function well enough financially but it would just hurt so much to have to give up on them completely
I guess yay for having this issue that can't be resolved unless I actually bite the bullet and go all or nothing? Is this black/white thinking or just being realistic lmao like the main reason I have this guilty feeling is definitely because I didn't have that reassurance that everything wasn't my fault when I was growing up, right? So what I really want to do is hold them accountable, right? But I can't do that unless I'm ready to give up everything I currently have.
So I'm stuck with this issue until I can jump over the imaginary hurdles (financial independence, finding/making myself new and healthy relationships, plus whatever else I think up when those bridges are crossed) and then finally feel stable enough that I can talk to them without feeling like I have to hold back in case everything goes to shit.
ahhh this is so f*cked up tbh istg like I think on another level I feel bad for constantly blaming my "bad traits" i.e. emotional volatility and insecurities/depression/anxiety on everyone else. But it's not like it was my fault that I'm a survivor of CSA and SA and of my mother telling me to cover up and of my parents generally ignoring whatever aftermath I was going through because of what my brother did. Like, sure, they stopped it but they didn't follow up AT. ALL. I had to live with him!!! until I was 16!!! seven years, four of which were spent wondering when he was going to do it next!!! and then every summer!!! and then now with dorms emptying out and the lockdown!!! The abuse stopped but I still. have. to. see. him. Never got therapy until I sought it out myself as an adult. And the irony is, my brother's a helluvalot better than my parents at actually listening to my issues and it's definitely not confusing at all for me to be leaning on him emotionally when he's the one who started everything. heavy f*cking sarcasm
So I think the reason I overshare with my friends is because I'm trying to find people that stick, but like it's so stupid that I know however many people that stick aren't gonna be enough because the one conversation that I need to have is definitely going to be hell. Best case, difficult conversation with good outcome, worst case, being told I'm overreacting + cutting off people I love and realistic case, difficult conversation + promises to do better + absolutely f*ck all changes. Am definitely NOT going to be talking about this with my parents thank you at least until I can support myself.
sorry this ended up being a rant when all I wanted was to make an observation about me avoiding talking about certain things with my parents
but mainly A b/c I feel like if I did end up cutting them out I could function well enough financially but it would just hurt so much to have to give up on them completely
I guess yay for having this issue that can't be resolved unless I actually bite the bullet and go all or nothing? Is this black/white thinking or just being realistic lmao like the main reason I have this guilty feeling is definitely because I didn't have that reassurance that everything wasn't my fault when I was growing up, right? So what I really want to do is hold them accountable, right? But I can't do that unless I'm ready to give up everything I currently have.
So I'm stuck with this issue until I can jump over the imaginary hurdles (financial independence, finding/making myself new and healthy relationships, plus whatever else I think up when those bridges are crossed) and then finally feel stable enough that I can talk to them without feeling like I have to hold back in case everything goes to shit.
ahhh this is so f*cked up tbh istg like I think on another level I feel bad for constantly blaming my "bad traits" i.e. emotional volatility and insecurities/depression/anxiety on everyone else. But it's not like it was my fault that I'm a survivor of CSA and SA and of my mother telling me to cover up and of my parents generally ignoring whatever aftermath I was going through because of what my brother did. Like, sure, they stopped it but they didn't follow up AT. ALL. I had to live with him!!! until I was 16!!! seven years, four of which were spent wondering when he was going to do it next!!! and then every summer!!! and then now with dorms emptying out and the lockdown!!! The abuse stopped but I still. have. to. see. him. Never got therapy until I sought it out myself as an adult. And the irony is, my brother's a helluvalot better than my parents at actually listening to my issues and it's definitely not confusing at all for me to be leaning on him emotionally when he's the one who started everything. heavy f*cking sarcasm
So I think the reason I overshare with my friends is because I'm trying to find people that stick, but like it's so stupid that I know however many people that stick aren't gonna be enough because the one conversation that I need to have is definitely going to be hell. Best case, difficult conversation with good outcome, worst case, being told I'm overreacting + cutting off people I love and realistic case, difficult conversation + promises to do better + absolutely f*ck all changes. Am definitely NOT going to be talking about this with my parents thank you at least until I can support myself.
sorry this ended up being a rant when all I wanted was to make an observation about me avoiding talking about certain things with my parents