Dealing With Others

[d_survivor]

Hi everyone!

I need some advise on how to survive with your in-laws. We all know that not all people understand our situation. How do you explain to them your situation having a PTSD?

This issue with in-laws is stressing me out a lot. They think i am a bitch bacause the way i am with people (like being quiet, don't know how to be sociable, shy, aloof, i just don't know what I am going to do to my self I am lost). Please help!

Thanks,
anna

 

[Iam]

IDK D.....How long have you been married? You might want to tell them that you are very shy & quiet so that understand that you aren't being a "bitch" as you call it. I used to fight like crazy with my mother in-law. I can honestly say that it was both our fault. She and I ended up so close. It took time but it did work itself out. Her husband died and she mellowed out. I also became far more patient and loving towards her because I knew she was alone. My situation was probably very different than yours but I thinkthe concept is the same. Try to be a little more outgoing and friendly. Let them know that it's not them and that you think highly of them, you are just shy.

I wish you the best!

 

[d_survivor]

We been married for 6 yrs now. My husband is in the military and he is white and I am asian. We don't see them very often only once a yr for 1 week or so. I am trying to be friendly but they always judging me, what ever I did they always say something to me. Sometime i just rather keep distance than being around with them.

 

[Caz]

I have just come back from a weekend with mine - on the whole it was pretty good, but I like you have an underlying anxiety that they think I might be a bit weird.. I try and be social & generally I am, but I get very tired & often just want to chill & be quiet. They know a portion of my situation. I think if they know, then it is enough. If your husband is supportive which im sure he is. Then he will back you up.

I find that I worry about it more than its worth. I find short periods of quality time is better than say a whole day or weekend - then they get to see the good side as its easier in bite sized bits.

Hope that helps a bit?
Caz

 

[Cthulhu]

I need some advise on how to survive with your in-laws. We all know that not all people understand our situation. How do you explain to them your situation having a PTSD?

This issue with in-laws is stressing me out a lot. They think i am a bitch bacause the way i am with people (like being quiet, don't know how to be sociable, shy, aloof, i just don't know what I am going to do to my self I am lost). Please help!

Being shy and quiet doesn't seem 'bitchy' to me.
I have a similar problem with my 'in-laws' (we're not married yet) but they're REALLY nice people. They' re a real family, trust and talk to each other, do altruistic things... All that I don't know from my own family.
I would really like to react to them like they deserve but I just can't. They might think because of the Asperger's but in fact its because of the cPTSD. Every time I meet them they react a little colder- I can understand it, I always seem cold, quiet and distanced, no wonder they start to, too. I don't know if they can really accept and understand my way of being- unfortunately I can't change it, I'm no sociable and friendly person by nature.

I just try to give my best when I meet them, that's all I can do.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Anna,

I'm terribly cynical of others. I don't expect that others without PTSD would really get what I'm going through. I also don't like to talk much about my self in front of those others, cause often I have been going through hell: e.g. the family:"what have you been up to"; me: "oh just been going through hell and back"-- that usually doesn't fly so well ;-).

Some strategies:

1) You can plan in advance, what are "safe topics for you to discuss" and "what are topics you want to stay away from". I don't find it safe at all discussing my PTSD to non-PTSD sufferers, it's like leaving myself wide open to attack (and it can hurt a lot more, and their hurtfulness can also re-trigger me). Identify safe subjects, positive things, e.g. a recent trip; a recent concert or show; funny movie; gardening; cooking. . . whatever feels safe, and not too personal where it could hurt if it were attacked.

2) Practice of "Active Listening": I've discovered that most people are quite content to talk about themselves. This is a little skill I've developed. I keep myself on the questioning side, they have to answer ;-); I've learnt expressions like " so you're saying. . . that's really interesting. . . what about. . . how is that for you. . . ". I can keep them going and going ;-). This is a skill that can be learnt via "assertive communication courses"

3) Non-Verbal Communication: learning to smile and learning to have eye contact. Easier said then done, it may take practice. I used to work in retail, so I had to learn how to pull that off. I try to generate a sense of self-confidence, from deep within, like at my belly chakra, feel happy inside-- actually abdominal breathing technique is a good practice ahead of something difficult for bringing out confidence, steady boundaries, I've discovered this recently. Generate the happiness and chanel it outwards.

4) Draw up a Safety Plan: Quick escape ideas if it's getting too tense and you need a break. For example, I worked on a safety plan in preparation for seeing some family in which I expected there would be some conflict. I called a crisis line, and talked it out. They gave me something useful, like saying that I need to go to the store to buy some aspirin. "But we already have aspirin" and I could say, "no, I'm sorry, it's not what my doctor recommended for me" or "that brand upsets my stomach"-- "I'll be back shortly. . ." . . . and you could get your husband to drive you there, or you can walk to the store, or whatever, but it provides an opportunity for a "time-out" and to practice coping and grounding skills, uninterrupted. You could even have a few for an escape, "I need to use the phone to check in with someone, could you excuse me. . ." and "I'll be right back". . . (and go ahead and take 20 minutes if you need it ;-) )

5) Don't take it Personally: Recognize that some people are just hard to please, and will find fault in us, no matter what we do or what we say, and just be okay about that. Remind yourself that the visit is short (don't plan long visits-- if they're out of town, also plan or say you have a plan to also reconnect with some friends, or something).

Just some ideas, maybe others here will have feedback on this, what works, what hasn't worked. . .

 

[Iam]

NISHKAA! EXCELLENT advice!!!!!!! Thank you so much. I will use this myself. I can think of many situations when this list will come in handy!

 

[Ronnie Tino]

Expose them to as much fact in books,computer and social workers as possible.

 

[d_survivor]

Very Helpful

Thank you so much for your advice. I will keep that in my mind and apply to my daily life.

:-) dianna

Hi Anna,

I'm terribly cynical of others. I don't expect that others without PTSD would really get what I'm going through. I also don't like to talk much about my self in front of those others, cause often I have been going through hell: e.g. the family:"what have you been up to"; me: "oh just been going through hell and back"-- that usually doesn't fly so well ;-).

Some strategies:

1) You can plan in advance, what are "safe topics for you to discuss" and "what are topics you want to stay away from". I don't find it safe at all discussing my PTSD to non-PTSD sufferers, it's like leaving myself wide open to attack (and it can hurt a lot more, and their hurtfulness can also re-trigger me). Identify safe subjects, positive things, e.g. a recent trip; a recent concert or show; funny movie; gardening; cooking. . . whatever feels safe, and not too personal where it could hurt if it were attacked.

2) Practice of "Active Listening": I've discovered that most people are quite content to talk about themselves. This is a little skill I've developed. I keep myself on the questioning side, they have to answer ;-); I've learnt expressions like " so you're saying. . . that's really interesting. . . what about. . . how is that for you. . . ". I can keep them going and going ;-). This is a skill that can be learnt via "assertive communication courses"

3) Non-Verbal Communication: learning to smile and learning to have eye contact. Easier said then done, it may take practice. I used to work in retail, so I had to learn how to pull that off. I try to generate a sense of self-confidence, from deep within, like at my belly chakra, feel happy inside-- actually abdominal breathing technique is a good practice ahead of something difficult for bringing out confidence, steady boundaries, I've discovered this recently. Generate the happiness and chanel it outwards.

4) Draw up a Safety Plan: Quick escape ideas if it's getting too tense and you need a break. For example, I worked on a safety plan in preparation for seeing some family in which I expected there would be some conflict. I called a crisis line, and talked it out. They gave me something useful, like saying that I need to go to the store to buy some aspirin. "But we already have aspirin" and I could say, "no, I'm sorry, it's not what my doctor recommended for me" or "that brand upsets my stomach"-- "I'll be back shortly. . ." . . . and you could get your husband to drive you there, or you can walk to the store, or whatever, but it provides an opportunity for a "time-out" and to practice coping and grounding skills, uninterrupted. You could even have a few for an escape, "I need to use the phone to check in with someone, could you excuse me. . ." and "I'll be right back". . . (and go ahead and take 20 minutes if you need it ;-) )

5) Don't take it Personally: Recognize that some people are just hard to please, and will find fault in us, no matter what we do or what we say, and just be okay about that. Remind yourself that the visit is short (don't plan long visits-- if they're out of town, also plan or say you have a plan to also reconnect with some friends, or something).

Just some ideas, maybe others here will have feedback on this, what works, what hasn't worked. . .

 

[Nishkaa]

I'm really glad this helps :)

As you can see, I have struggled with this problem myself ;-) and have thought about it a lot! :)

Someone else on another thread also mentioned the use of making "Safety Cards" and these are formalized plans, in writing, that you can keep on hand and review. These are also used to list situations and our coping mechanisms, including PTSD grounding techniques, etc. (these are 'inner safety" measures, which also helps a lot). He said there was some information on the web on this if the subject is googled.

All I know is it's helped me feel a lot better to have a safety plan in place; that alone has given me much more confidence for heading into difficult situations and often I didn't even need to use all the safety plans, I just felt a lot better having them. It was the time that went into making them, individualizing it for myself that really helped bring in my focus on protecting myself and that's what I've really needed.

If you're travelling with your husband, make sure he is in on the safety plan as well. I also include numbers to local crisis lines, if I need to take a break or help dealing with PTSD symptoms, overwhelment. My brother and I stick together as a team, each supporting one another's safety-- it helps a lot!