My T set me similar homework PH. I've been instructed to spend at least 2 hours writing per day. In a place I feel is calming. She asked me during my session when the last time was that I felt calm and happy. I sat there for a few minutes and then said 'On the plane to Bangkok'. What happened was - I realised my r/ship was not able to be saved, and that if it was, I had absolutely no desire to save it. So I left, I booked a flight to Thailand and 3 nights in a hotel and I went 'I'll figure out the rest when I land'. What can I say - some women get a new haircut after a 'divorce'. I get on a plane to Thailand (?!).
It was my 30th bday a week after I landed this past January. That week leading up to it was one of the most freeing weeks I'd had in a very long time and was so far beyond overdue because my self esteem had officially reached rock bottom. I would wake up in the morning, take my time getting ready, pop my journal into my bag and just walk around the neighbourhood until I spooted a restaurant or cafe I liked the look of. Then I'd order a drink and a meal and I'd take two hours eating it and writing. They don't rush you out of restaurants there like they do in some cultures. It's like you're on display so they're happy for you to sit there for as long as you like.
I told my T about the entry I'd made into my journal the morning of my 30th. I was sitting there and I suddenly felt this surge of confidence and self admiration. It felt very much like I left my own body and I was walking past myself on the street, looking over at myself and feeling absolutely fascinated by this woman sitting there by herself, no partner in sight, with her journal and looking completely at peace with herself and her surroundings. In that moment I would've hit on myself! It was this sense of 'I simply MUST get to know this fascinating person. What on earth leads a woman to be sat there on her 30th bday. If I don't walk up and talk to her I know I'll regret it for the rest of my life'.
Only the woman I was watching was ME.
An excerpt from the entry in my journal which I read after my session on Tuesday -
'You know what I think sitting here in this environmentally friendly buddhist restaurant - I am sex on legs. I am the sexiest woman I've ever known for doing this. I would so wanna walk up to me and introduce myself if I saw myself here with my Thai green curry, and my pencil, and my lychee juice. 'Hellllllo beautiful - you ooze sexuality''
Was I having a good day? Hmm, yes I think I was! :) If I hadn't felt so incredibly low for such a long time I'd probably read that and feel guilt and arrogance. But it was SO needed at that particular time that I think it was quite possibly life saving.
I really love this thread.
