Suicidal Ideation Without Plan of Following Through

[BrotatoSalad]

I don't know if I need advice or just to vent.
Lately, I've been very up and down. Very good day, then something triggers me and I slowly descend into the pit of rumination and wondering what the point of even continuing my existence is. I appear fine to others, just calm, but in my head I am running through the architecture of this house. Two stories is not very high, I wonder how high the roof is? I wonder if there is even a way onto the roof. I lift up the window, pull out the screen, and poke my head out to see. There is no feasible way to get up there, and even if I could it doesn't seem very high.

Things like this, I don't ever think about following through... But I'll spend parts of my days just coming up with ways to end my life. And I remember the good parts of the day, but then with all this erratic happy to flipping out crap, and these feelings of never getting rid of these ridiculous out of control downs, I just start to think that it's never going to end. And I'm not trying to kill myself, but I can't stop myself from just developing suicide plans. And that bothers me. I'm not sure, does it bother me because I won't do it? Or does it bother me because it is just so damn time and energy consuming and leaves me drained and alone (it's not really my thing to walk up to someone and say, hey, so... Today I was thinking... You know... Jumping into the highway..).

Maybe this is a vent, but if you have any input, advice, shared experiences... Please do tell.

I have been going to see my T, but very infrequently (I guess she's a busy lady), and to make things worse I haven't been able to do my PE homework with the recorder and stuff because I'm so short on time, and it is so hard to do without saying 'f' it to my duties that I have that day. I don't think this is because I'm weak or lazy... I just do not have the time and resources when I'm in school, in clinicals, working, and trying to pick up after my mum's crazy mid-life-crisis-move-three-times-in-a-month-and-let-your-daughter-fix-everything-when-you're-gone crap. Blah. :wall:

 

[James B.]

Or does it bother me because it is just so damn time and energy consuming and leaves me drained and alone

I think the energy part is relevant. Seems like essentially negative energy flow. Have been times in my life when I suffered from this. I know how bad it feels.

 

[trav]

brotatosalad,

I've been experiencing this as well. Putting dishes away and just staring at a kitchen knife...thinking about jabbing it into my wrist or neck. Nah too messy. Its like a weird combination of not wanting to be alive because I don't feel like I'm in control or my life anymore, but not whole heartedly feeling like I want to kill myself. Wishing the accident that caused all this PTSD hadn't spared me. Or killed me and spared the woman who died. Opening up the medicine cabinet and seeing all those bottles in there. Nah would probably go into a panic attack and throw them all up. I'm very thankful that some part of my brain comes up with stupid excuses why not to go through with it. However the persistant thought always seems to pop up, especially when I'm having one of those "bad" days or weeks. I find it very scary when I realize what I'm thinking. I find it even scarier to think about on the days when I don't feel like that.

Sorry I have no good advice to lend. At the very least your not alone. Strange having these weird morbid thoughts isn't it?
Travis

 

[Elizabeth]

brotatosalad,

I can relate. I have made and discarded multiple plans with no intent of going through with them. But they come to me in the oddest moments. Mostly I wish gravity would just cut me loose and let me float away. I have children and would never go through with these plans that pop in my head. I couldn't put my kids through that. It not so much a line I crossed rather its not worth the pain it would cost my boys.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I have those too. Mostly while I'm driving. Or cutting,...how easy it would be to cut deeper...but I don't do it.

 

[Jazz60]

Hi brotatosalad,

I also have those sorts of thoughts on my bad days. I try not to beat myself up when I can't get on with my studies on those days. I also try to find something positive that I can manage to do that takes up my focus. I don't fight the thoughts anymore, as that seemed to make things worse. I find that I need to be kind to myself and just accept it is a bad day and that it will pass.

Hope you find something that works for you.

 

[Happy Head]

I'm glad to have happened on this post - not because we all go through this - but because I realize I'm not alone. I too battle these thoughts, sometimes daily, and while I don't have the intent to follow through, the thought of the time where I no longer can stop myself scares me. How long can I live with these thoughts and ideas and still have the strength not to follow through. I'm just now getting into this discussion with my T but I find it so difficult to talk to him about it. I find myself just answering "I don't know" to all of his questions.

 

[BrotatoSalad]

A little update: I have found Geodon to be extremely beneficial with my intrusive (and suicidal) thoughts. For a week I felt like my brain was doing its damndest to kill me, but once I started the Geodon and got over the first day of sleeping, those thoughts are no longer there. A lot of other intrusive thoughts (Shut up, you don't have anything to say anyway, what's the point, they don't need you, etc) have gone away as well. If one pops up, I find it much easier to fight off using my DBT skills, where before I was on Geodon I had to talk outloud to myself and even then they wouldn't go away most of the time. Geodon's an atypical antipsychotic, and I guess it has shown good results with intrusive thoughts and clients with PTSD (my boyfriend did some research for me). Just mentioning it, maybe it can help someone else. I swear this has saved my life (I had plotted out my suicide backed by research last week, and now I realize I could not bring myself to ever do that).

I hope everyone is doing alright, thank you for all the replies, I have also found a support group so I don't feel so alone IRL (99% of the members have thought of and/or attempted suicide). I know it's an ongoing battle and it may come back, but I hope that I am more prepared than I was last week when I was ready to jump.

 

[kman99]

I've been in the exact same situation many times. It seems hopeless sometimes but I try to remember a mantra my friend said "Everything is ok in the end if its not ok then its not the end". It may sound corny but its true. Every time something triggered something in me that made it seem like the world was over I waited it out and it got better.