Relationship with your T worry

[Digz]

Does anybody else ever worry about their relationship with their T? It's a fine line between trusting them, respecting them and being too attached. Last time I was in therapy with my T I'm seeing again now, going back probably twelve or so years ago, I think I was too attached. It was at the height of the first emergence of my memories and I was a huge mess. I ended up finishing therapy with him because he believed I was more invested in maintaining the relationship with him than getting better. I think he was right and although I was so angry back then, now I'm thankful I guess that he did because I saw another therapist (now retired) who was great for a couple of years and then went it alone and I was able to create a great life, which I wouldn't have if I was still in therapy, invested in him.
I guess, I'm writing all this because I'm in therapy with that T again now. I knew when I went in I must monitor myself and make sure I wasn't becoming almost obsessively attached. I know I'm a different person this time around, more invested in my wonderful life outside of therapy, but I can't help but worry, you know? I chose to go back to him because I hadn't found a good therapist after my previous one retired and I needed someone I trusted quick after these new memories came back. It has been good in that way, I'm only three weeks in and I've been able to share part of the memory quickly and many other things. But the worry sits in the back of my mind sometimes. I don't want to feel out of control and led by an obsession with my relationship with him again. I guess the fact that I'm even second guessing and monitoring myself is a sign that I'm not the same person, as back then I wouldn't have even acknowledged there was a problem. Still, the thought of being back in that over-invested state scares me and makes me anxious.

 

[ladee]

Talk with him about it. It's not likely he would have started working with you again if he felt this was going to be a problem.

And like you said, the fact you are aware is going to make a lot of difference. Hopefully having a conversation with him will help. Good luck.

 

[Wendell_R]

Talk with him about it

Yes. My therapist says that bringing our feelings to the light of day is the most important thing.

 

[Friday]

I don't want to feel out of control and led by an obsession with my relationship with him again.

1. Do you do this much in your current life?

If so... then that’s a pattern you’re familiar with, aware of, and probably working on // & someone who called you out on it before can probably be trusted to call you out again if it’s going there, but one better to quite possibly help you with more awareness & coping skills to break those patterns.

If not... then the obsession was probably tied to the place in your life you were back then, yes? Which is -as you say- a very different place than you are now (despite a symptom spike, reminding you of that time).

2. Have you looked at the obsession with a relationship as a form of avoidance? Transferance is a common thing, and often looked at / discussed; but something that doesn’t often get looked at (because the person themselves is too hot a mess to step back, like you were then, furious with him for directing you to find a new therapist)... is that obsessing on the person/relationship? Is a bright & shiny way to avoid focusing on your trauma. If you imagine someone holding a flashlight... Focusinf on them, then them & you, what it’s not focusing on is your past, much less you & your past. It’s keeping the light shining in entirely the wrong direction.

It’s a super sneaky Jedi mind trick... that should bring you some comfort... as you completely ignored them & them+you to immediately focus on you & your past, and how that’s affecting you, now. No avoidance. At least not in that way.

There’s an old old story about a hero who is granted a magic horse to get from point A to point B (halfway around the world) very quickly. But the catch is that they won’t tell him which horse in the herd is the fastest. So he has to ask the horses. One proclaims fo be as fast as the wind. “Ach! You’re too slow for me!” he says. The next declares themselves to be as fast as a bolt of lightning! The hero shakes his head sadly. No. Still too slow. To the third horse he poses the same question; How fast are you? And the horse reply’s “As fast as a maiden’s thoughts between 2 lovers.” The hero is triumphant “AHA! You’re the horse for me!” <<< I’m not saying you were romantically attached to your T, simply that one of the fastest things in creation? The flickering speed to which our minds can flit between 2 people. 2 other people, or ourselves and 1 other, really makes no never mind. It’s STILL not fast enough to outrun trauma (mores the pity!) but one can see why the -untrained- mind would seize on the encompassing distraction. You’ve spent the past decade training your mind. So whilst the shiny distraction may still dangle alluringly from time to time? As long as you’re aware it’s not an effective tool, much less a solution, I suspect you’ll be just fine.

 

[DharmaGirl]

There is also how the therapist handles the relationship. My first trauma therapist was very focused on establishing a therapeutic relationship, since that's what I needed, but then became the hero, ready to step in at any moment to buy my scripts, talk, email, help whenever I needed it. He moved, and a few years later I got a therapist who taught me how to rescue myself. When I look back, I can see that the first therapist was too involved, but allowed me to establish a relationship with someone. That was HUGE for me. The second one taught me a relationship with myself. It all turned out to be helpful, but I would never go back to the first, given the dynamics at the end.

I think if you go in knowing how the previous therapy went, you can nip anything in the bud before it gets out of hand for you. And to echo everyone else, discuss it. It is better than the great unknown.

 

[Digz]

Thanks guys, I had the conversation with him and got it all out in the open. I think it's okay and like you said the fact that I'm aware of it and willing to talk about it with him and my husband, is very different to the past. It was something I kept very secret back then because I didn't want anybody to see how unhealthy it was as I thought they'd take it away from me. I used to see him as a sort of father figure, I guess. There is still a little of that element there and the trust that exist, but back then the difference was I desperately wished him to be my father and would've done just about anything to have him part of my life outside therapy. It was quite clearly linked to my own trauma with my father who was horrible and that child part that I think was desperate for a positive relationship with a kind male. But now I know also, I don't really want it to filter into my life outside of therapy, which is a different attitude. I enjoy talking to him and he helps me, but the people nowadays that come first in my life are my son and husband. I am glad I have talked about it, it makes me feel better, there is nothing hidden and although I think there'll always still be a tiny bit of worry, perhaps that is healthy to ensure I'm monitoring my behaviour.

 

[grit]

I am glad to see your last comment. Your obsession is about someone else and glad to see you are working on it.... There is no therapy really if the therapy relation is not worked out. If you are thinking about him and you are stressed or ashamed , you are not healing...at least not yet.