A life once filled with joy is now 100% without joy or interest in anything

[Mee]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. When I previously had gone to a T she said that over and over, you were a child and had no choice, not your fault. While the adult me can certainly understand that argument and that is exactly what I would say to someone, doesn't matter because at my core I will always blame myself.

Hi. I think you are courageous- dealing with this stuff is so difficult .

I wonder if in addressing this your self blame might be eased not only by the fact that it was 100 percent not your fault, but that you might have been protecting yourself from secondary trauma?

Lots of kids who tell find they suffer disbelief and secondary trauma from that- or even repercussions from telling. Often our reactions are not only NOT our fault but , we are self protecting.

The loss of joy is heartbreaking - I describe this often as a ‘divorce from myself’. I hope you find way back to joyous interaction with the world.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think we cannot recall with real accuracy what and how it feels like to think and be a child, simply too because we are no longer children. That is why it's not/ never your fault. If you had adult abilities you might have had a choice what to internalize, but you simply didn't. If this were your son, what would you think and say? Because there is no difference who suffers.

Like, even in a silly way: can (we) really imagine how it makes sense to put anything in our mouth, or have a blankie, or flap our arms fast enough to fly? Or to be afraid of the dark, or a monster under the bed? Etc. Or how things are connected, or what is causative? Seems to me security, love, keeping the peace, innocence, all come in to play. We can end up looking at our child selves through too-adult eyes and expectations, or (mis)understanding (and little empathy or self-compassion).

(Hope that makes sense, I understand and relate to the challenges, and the fall out of my identity afterwards. Hard to think of yourself as worthy of much when you feel to blame, for a variety of things.)

Welcome to you. ?

 

[David1959]

Hi. I think you are courageous- dealing with this stuff is so difficult .

I wonder if in addressing this your self blame might be eased not only by the fact that it was 100 percent not your fault, but that you might have been protecting yourself from secondary trauma?

Lots of kids who tell find they suffer disbelief and secondary trauma from that- or even repercussions from telling. Often our reactions are not only NOT our fault but , we are self protecting.

The loss of joy is heartbreaking - I describe this often as a ‘divorce from myself’. I hope you find way back to joyous interaction with the world.

I have never heard that term before, "Divorce from myself" but it seems very accurate :-( Of course if accurate it means that I can't stand myself which is not something I have thought about but certainly might be true, it would explain a lot.

 

[Mee]

I have never heard that term before, "Divorce from myself" but it seems very accurate :-( Of course if accurate it means that I can't stand myself which is not something I have thought about but certainly might be true, it would explain a lot.

i don’t think it’s about not being able to stand ourselves- more just feeling - for example - an irreconcilable difference. My job is breaching that gap - to be diplomat for myself and to myself. Because remaining unintegrated is not sustainable for me - it’s well- ptsd. I think i have good regard for myself in some areas, and poor regard in others. I can stand myself. In fact, I even enjoy my own company . What I find difficult is some aspects of my behaviour - which I think is honest and healthy if we have self awareness- and more problematic is the attitudes I have about trauma / my relationship with society and How much I feel safe to reengage. That is not - I think - healthy.

divorce doesn’t have to mean hate. But repair does probably have to mean some understanding and Self compassion .

 

[Changing4Best]

I was threatened with death if I told. I didn't tell for that reason.

 

[David1959]

I was threatened with death if I told. I didn't tell for that reason.

Good reason. I am not sure why I did not say anything but as most details are fuzzy. I know I was drugged and quite possibly threatened

 

[Movingforward10]

I didn't tell as I had no words for it. And no one to listen or pay attention. So I blocked it out and believed it was all me and my fault and nothing happened anyway.

Our survival tactics then helped in those moments, but they no longer help now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am 61 an adult survivor of childhood sexual assault at 10 which has created numerous issues which you can read about here. After 4 years of putting my demons back in their box the lid is now open :-(

I have been having issues for about 6 months or more and am hoping to start with a new T in October. Bottom line, I have lost all joy and interest in anything. I find that while I have always been considered an upbeat positive person I am now 100% negative on everything. I am trapped in a joyless and negative world without the ability to communicate, even with my wife whom I love dearly.

There is nothing I look forward to or enjoy participating in. I feel like I am basically just existing. I am sure Covid is not helping but my issues preceded the pandemic. I need to find joy again but I suspect that is going to require a very rough journey through my guilt and depression caused by my abuse 50 years ago that is leaking out and poisoning everything.

I am not suicidal because my overriding self preservation drive protects me, as it did 50 years ago but if not for that I probably would be.

I know this feeling.....and it can be depressing being in the fourth quarter of life....still dealing with this shit from old....compartmentalization (putting your demons away in a box) has served it's purpose and you have the skill to do it again....but maybe it's leaking out for a reason and that part of you that suffers needs acknowledging. When things start to leak out of my boxes where I thought the lid was on good an tight, I go back to basics....to working on basic functioning and stability. That's always my step one to getting back on track. Essentials, as I call them, are the must do every day basics, and if you don't, you can guarantee that you will feel worse if you continue not doing them.

Are you keeping a routine or schedule (Up out of bed at the same time daily, making the bed so you don't climb back in, remembering to do routine things like bathe/brush teeth, take meds on time, eat 3 meals or meal replacement shakes to keep glucose levels in check, getting 6-8 hrs of sleep in a night, and exercising daily.
Getting regular sleep is essential....getting too much sleep screws up the brain. My butt becomes like glue to the bed when my boxes leak out, and I don't give a hoot about what is happening around me. When I realize I have gotten stuck where you are, I use my notes app on my phone, and make a functional "to do list." I check off each thing that I must do to function daily and there is something pleasurable at the end of the day to count on.
Exercise-45 minutes of time in the sunshine or doing something that is enjoyable outdoor exercise (like a nature walk, kayaking, jogging, dog walking, etc.) and gets your heart rate up is a critical piece because it is the one thing that will naturally help improve brain chemistry. If you are doing all these things, everyday......that's amazing if you are feeling so lousy! Once I am back on track with the essentials and it doesn't usually take long to do once I make that decision that I need things to improve, I add in one or two chores to my notes app (because by now, usually chores are screaming at me to get done).... but I'll let things kinda pile up until I am back in a routine....because there isn't any use in expending what little energy I have when I had a sleepless night and would feel better using that energy to shower, wash my hair, and take a walk out in the fresh air. So, I'm going to ask...how's your daily routine?

 

[Lionheart]

...most details are fuzzy. I know I was drugged and quite possibly threatened

Hi @David1959, welcome to the forums. I am a survivor of sexual child abuse. I was drugged as well and there is more to the story, but I won't bore you with the details.

Just suffice it to say that, for me, I needed to get professional help from a trauma expert before I truly began to heal. That, along with years of therapy, and being a long-term member of this site helped me immensely. Life is not perfect...(it never was anyway),...but I am basically a happy camper. The hard work I put into 'therapy', paid off!!!

I hope that you will continue to speak your truth and to reach out to others here. You don't have to go it alone anymore if you choose not to.

My best to ya,
Lionheart

 

[Chris416]

I know exactly what you mean about the negative pressure vacuum that replaced joy. It sucks in negativity and anxiety.

If I've felt joy or had interests, I can't remember them. What I've observed in others is that joy is in the moment, external, a preferential sense and related to a verb like petting a soft puppy.

I know preferences aren't joy, but perhaps that will provide a new perspective to view life from.

i.e. Bright colors vs dull, cute animals vs poisonous, pleasant smells, delicious (healthy) food, music, round corners vs sharp corners, smooth vs sticky, nature, people