Hi. I think you are courageous- dealing with this stuff is so difficult .Thank you for the words of encouragement. When I previously had gone to a T she said that over and over, you were a child and had no choice, not your fault. While the adult me can certainly understand that argument and that is exactly what I would say to someone, doesn't matter because at my core I will always blame myself.
I wonder if in addressing this your self blame might be eased not only by the fact that it was 100 percent not your fault, but that you might have been protecting yourself from secondary trauma?
Lots of kids who tell find they suffer disbelief and secondary trauma from that- or even repercussions from telling. Often our reactions are not only NOT our fault but , we are self protecting.
The loss of joy is heartbreaking - I describe this often as a ‘divorce from myself’. I hope you find way back to joyous interaction with the world.