Relationships and PTSD

[Rani G2]

basically about a man just not wanting to change this identity he has for himself. For some reason, it makes him feel as if that threatens his autonom

Something stands out here, your questioning his behavioral state requires him to look deeper which he might not (Might be a bad guess) be willing to Do. Bringing something to the surface which he’d rather keep under concretefloor due to various reasons. Again no advice, just wondering..

I think it's basically about a man just not wanting to change this identity he has for himself.

UrsulaLeGuin, a bad advicer here. On this planet since 1980§ , and in a relationship since 2007, knots tied since 2016.. yet human relationships are at times like moving through territory where I constantly clash, anyway that’s another story.

Looking forward to other people’s replies which will be more helpful.

 

[UrsulaleGuin]

I find that quite disheartened that he's hurt by your response and then leaving you alone in this. That sounds pretty selfish and it would be possible to find a way in between. I tend to zone out a lot myself but I don't do that in people's presence in the middle of an interaction as much as I can or if I see it upsets them I'll try to fence the zoning out and say it, it's not you, I'm pensive. I used to have an ex who zoned out quite a lot but told me too ah I'm thinking of this or that. In the most recent one, D, it really was a bad sign of paranoia starting to tighten its springs before a crisis. And in my mother too. So it's so dependent on the person, but it's really difficult to sort out the specific blend it creates with everyone. But the fact that your partner finds it's constitutive of his personality and something he enjoys... Yeah it sounds a bit irresponsible and not taking your reality into account. I get that everyone like to have their privacy and alone moments but no transitioning is harsh. Perhaps you're in front of a real incompatibility here

Perhaps you're right. People around me have told me as much. I'm actually taking the next few days to think about that.
If my PTSD was the only problem, then I think we could work through it.

Thank you for your reply <3

 

[coraxxx]

Perhaps you're right. People around me have told me as much. I'm actually taking the next few days to think about that.
If my PTSD was the only problem, then I think we could work through it.

Thank you for your reply <3

Just hope you'll be okay and find a good space without unnecessary anxieties and problems. Virtual hugs

 

[UrsulaleGuin]

Something stands out here, your questioning his behavioral state requires him to look deeper which he might not (Might be a bad guess) be willing to Do. Bringing something to the surface which he’d rather keep under concretefloor due to various reasons. Again no advice, just wondering..

UrsulaLeGuin, a bad advicer here. On this planet since 1980§ , and in a relationship since 2007, knots tied since 2016.. yet human relationships are at times like moving through territory where I constantly clash, anyway that’s another story.

Looking forward to other people’s replies which will be more helpful.

Thank you Rani,

Yes, I think if someone's been in various relationships where the 'moods' have caused at least discomfort. To the point where he'd bring it up himself as a thing that could be a possible issue for us. Then what does he have to gain by keeping his mindset as is? Is that what you mean? In a very concrete way, his 'moods' (I honest to god don't know what they really are) are the cause of our rift. But that's still no motivation for him. So perhaps I should just accept where this is headed, huh? :)

 

[Rani G2]

Then what does he have to gain by keeping his mindset as is? I

Not sure if he is gaining anything positive, from a distance it sounds like a well thought out mindset in order to protect whatever that needs to be protected which is a defense mechanism.. deep seated fears might lead him to act the way he does. but that’s a very superficial statement I’m making not knowing the individual and his motivations within his individual life experiences!

UrsulaLeGuin, wherever you are, hope you find some comfort today.. ?!

 

[Friday]

And I'm wondering if any of you can help me out with some tips? How do you deal with your PTSD in relationships?

The single biggest one for me is personal responsibility.

Personality & preference are personality & preference, and there are just going to be some people who don’t like me, or the way I prefer to live... and that’s fair. I’ve never met 2 people who agree on what they love-like-DGAF-dislike-hate in other people. The same thing that drives one person crazy (in a good way) about me, another won’t blink at, and for a third it’s a total dealbreaker. I don’t sweat that shit. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, it’s not my responsibility to do anything about.

If, however, I’m treating someone badly? That’s wrong. And it needs to stop.

The definition of “badly”? Is highly subjective. So I basically ignore (almost) everyone else’s definition of the word, and go with my own. The following list pretty much breaks down my thoughts on the subject
- If someone did to me, what I just did to them, would I consider that being treated badly, or treated well? (Golden Rule, time)
- Am I PROUD of the way I’m treating them?
- Is it fun to live this way?
- Have they earned it?

As long as all of those answers are “Yes.” than we’re good to go.
If any of those answers are “No.” I need to check myself. Hard.

 

[Rani G2]

So perhaps I should just accept where this is headed, huh? :)

Acceptance is like a word (For me) which is written on a highway sign Board and I usually stare at it without understanding anything.. could be emotional dyslexia or I’m just not buying such idealizations.

This time you having the opportunity to see origins like what is arising and if there are any familiar patterns I’m recognizing? A little bit of digging deeper? even if heartbreakingly painful at times?
Please toss aside if not helpful UrsulaLeGuin..

Take care

 

[UrsulaleGuin]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It meant a lot. And it has helped me feel more understood.
I've never spoken to people like this before, and to be honest it's a relief.

I'm obviously still heartbroken. But after thinking it through today, I think I shouldn't be with someone that triggers me this much in the end.
I respect his wishes. But I also need to take care of myself. Fact is that the triggers lead to PTSD, and those are leading to a lot of issues in our relationship.
And not just that: I'm also in general not feeling that great about myself right now.

Just after NYE my half brother cut me off, due to childhood issues. His father abused me, my mother and he both did. But only he sexually later on. I told people.
My mother kept living with him, so I left when I was 16. I paid my way since then and have been living independently. Got a degree. So sometimes I'd try to reconnect with my family: mother, half brother and half sister. But my mother's a narc. So she'd never admit to any of the abuse, which cause me to PDSD full blown. And I'd leave again. Last time I thought it'd be different. I had resolved that she was sick and I knew I'd never get that apology. Or truth. But then, about 4 years in, she started telling lies again and crossing my boundaries. And I went no contact. But for my half brother, this was a sign that I'd "leave again". So he unceremoniously blocked me on his phone and told me he doesn't want me in his life.

So this breakup, now also because of my PTSD, or at least sensitivities. It's a bit much.
So that's why I finally cracked and joined a forum! Should have done this earlier! :)

 

[Deanna]

Hello fellow Ursula reader! :) That makes me happy.

Yeah, me too. I get nervous when people do that. I don't know why he does that, what he likes about the moods. He says that when he's alone, he loves to just zone out and stare into space. I get that. Of course I do. But 1) that's not the feeling I get when he does that. 2) He's also not alone! hahaha.
I think it's basically about a man just not wanting to change this identity he has for himself. For some reason, it makes him feel as if that threatens his autonomy. He told me that he wants to be accepted for who he is completely. He actually told me that it hurts him that I'm triggered by his moods.

He needs to be alone and not with anyone. Its okay for him to zone out but not okay for you to have some alone time

 

[coraxxx]

Happy you have joined us and found some relief in writing. This place really does. Sad to learn the reasons you’ll eventually developed PTSD, but congratulations for the independence and the degree. You well deserve it!

 

[Friday]

He needs to be alone and not with anyone. Its okay for him to zone out but not okay for you to have some alone time

Not being right for one person hardly means anybody should be alone & not with anyone.

Some people looooooove the combo of connected-intensity/ independence-relaxation of being partnered with someone with an artistic temperament, or introverts who need time to recharge/extroverts who take their “alone time” with 20 other people, or trauma peeps who manage their stress levels with isolation, or brilliant minds getting lost in their work, or, or, or, or. (Because it’s not an uncommon pattern, a whole heckuva lot of personalities types are on/off, for a giant whomping array of reasons.) Whether it’s on/off like a light switch, or the gentle swell and fall of a wave; whether it’s a daily occurance for hours, or happens sporadically for days/weeks/months. Those patterns suit some people right down to the ground

Other people? Don’t mind it. Whilst others -like the OP- can’t stand it, and it makes them miserable.

I’d hardly think that wanting your partner to NOT be miserable & in pain speaks badly to his character. Nor is it unreasonable to want to build a relationship on a foundation of trust, nor to put your child’s needs above your own.

TBH, from what’s written, I’d say the OP did a pretty damn good job in choosing a guy to date. Not right for her, clearly, in the long term... but that variable temperament WITHOUT abuse, scratches one long ingrained need/habit, whilst good judgment chose someone that not only doesn’t create that via the cycle-of-abuse, but is honest enough to break up when it’s clear they don’t work together, rather than twisting and manipulating her into staying with them. That’s dayum good work, choosing this bloke to date, coming out of an abuse history. When it’s far more common just to jump from one abusive relationship to the next to the next to the next, clinging on for dear life no matter how bad things are. Next steps, of course, finding someone more compatible & being willing to end it when it’s not, and keep those standards raising. But as first steps, go? We’re talking pole vault.

 

[Freida]

so hes mad that you get triggered by his emotional roller coaster and then your response upsets him?

wow.

I don't think this has anything to do with your ptsd. I would guess that anyone who had a relationship with him would struggle.

As for the 3 day thing? I don't think that was anything "bad" to ask for. Isolation is super common for sufferers.
If a supporter cant handle that then it's probably safe to say the relationship is going to have problems
I mean, if hubby had a tantrum every time I say " I need space" we wouldn't still be together..

You being able to step back and say you need to care for you? That is awesome!

Sorry you are having to deal with this -- especially on top of ptsd.