Relationships and PTSD

UrsulaleGuin

New Here

TBH, from what’s written, I’d say the OP did a pretty damn good job in choosing a guy to date. Not right for her, clearly, in the long term... but that variable temperament WITHOUT abuse, scratches one long ingrained need/habit, whilst good judgment chose someone that not only doesn’t create that via the cycle-of-abuse, but is honest enough to break up when it’s clear they don’t work together, rather than twisting and manipulating her into staying with them. That’s dayum good work, choosing this bloke to date, coming out of an abuse history. When it’s far more common just to jump from one abusive relationship to the next to the next to the next, clinging on for dear life no matter how bad things are. Next steps, of course, finding someone more compatible & being willing to end it when it’s not, and keep those standards raising. But as first steps, go? We’re talking pole vault.

Hey, that's a very interesting way to look at it. That would have never occurred to me, thanks.
I mostly have been feeling as if this is just another relationship fail. Epically. I don't want to get into all the details, but it's true that I don't always believe he has my/our best interests at heart. I don't think he broke up with me for my sake, you know? It feels more like a discard. And if I'm really being honest, there have been times where the sudden shifts in his state of being felt abusive. Close to intermittent reinforcement, almost. To me. But then, I have PTSD and it triggers me. So I'm always second guessing myself, afraid to speak out but doing so on behalf of the relationship. But then dealing with someone who is frustrated because of feeling 'standing accused'. Does that make any sense?

Anyway. He broke up over the phone. Which I wouldn't accept, plus I asked if he'd take some time to at least consider his decision.
So now were meeting at my place on Wednesday. There's no radio silences, or no contact. I have the pleasure of still partaking in awkward calls, and mandatory texts. Timeline: dreaded phone call on Wednesday, and then wait a week to have an face to face moment. I'm not loving it, but feel like I owe it to myself to go through with this. And not have a childish ending like this, at least. But it's not easy. Old me would have thought "f*ck it", and just completely blocked him. It's easier to stay mad, right? To feel wronged, and righteous. But I don't want that. Plus, I want him to look me in the eye. For me, that's where I've grown: I can self soothe, regulate. Even during 'episodes', most of it happens in my head. Only people close to me can tell. But it only affects those people, sadly. Now I can go through a week like this, not text him a thousand times, go about my life, read a book, watch a movie. Calmly speak to him, ask about his day.
 

UrsulaleGuin

New Here
so hes mad that you get triggered by his emotional roller coaster and then your response upsets him?

wow.

I don't think this has anything to do with your ptsd. I would guess that anyone who had a relationship with him would struggle.

As for the 3 day thing? I don't think that was anything "bad" to ask for. Isolation is super common for sufferers.
If a supporter cant handle that then it's probably safe to say the relationship is going to have problems
I mean, if hubby had a tantrum every time I say " I need space" we wouldn't still be together..

You being able to step back and say you need to care for you? That is awesome!

Sorry you are having to deal with this -- especially on top of ptsd. 🫂
Hi Freida,

To be honest, that is one of the things that I've been struggling with. But I'm also very aware that my response is a bit extra. Perhaps not in a huge blow out sense, but inwardly I'm dying a little. The moods have given me an abusive aftertaste, mostly because he's aware of the problem in a big way, but isn't willing or capable of making it 'safe' for me that he has them. I'm not asking him to change, not at all. But I'd like it if there was the option of coming up with ways to make it less triggering for me. But he's upset that it even is an issue.

I think he wants to be someone's Prince, you know? He wants to be met with complete trust. And it's hurtful to him, as someone's man, that he has to vie for that trust in his mind. And that it's caused by something as benign as simply the nature of his being. I think that's ultimately why he wants to end things with me. In his mind, he also can't trust me; when am I going to be hurt and then pissed off as a result? He tells me I blindside him also.
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
I think he wants to be someone's Prince, you know? He wants to be met with complete trust. And it's hurtful to him, as someone's man, that he has to vie for that trust in his mind. And that it's caused by something as benign as simply the nature of his being. I think that's ultimately why he wants to end things with me. In his mind, he also can't trust me; when am I going to be hurt and then pissed off as a result? He tells me I blindside him also.
That's what I was trying to say earlier but did a poor job. He wants you to automatically trust him but you have to earn his trust. He is not equal footing. He dozzes off in never- never land for a spell, but you get scolded when you need alone time.

See... I have a big problem with that. So.. He is cool the way he is but you're suppose to, explain or 'splain, or blah, blah, blah... Yacky Yack, yack, yack.. Defend yourself all the time. I would personally tell him to Shove the pizza so far up his Azz on Wednesday night and would call on the phone!!! The heck with him coming over!!

I'd forget about staring in his eyeballs!!😂

But like Friday said... Some people wouldn't have a problem with but I sure would.

This isn't about PTSD like Freida said.
 
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Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I hope that you find someone better. It just doesn't seem like he's worth any effort. And I understand break ups are upsetting and difficult but it's probably just better to move on.
 
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