equinox92101
New Here
29 year old male. I have never been diagnosed with CTPSD but I have read about it and can relate to much of it. I don't want to write loads about my background, but anxiety, OCD, social anxiety, insomnia, and a fragmented identity have been central to my life.
Any ways, my issue is that I have friendships which 'don't feel right' and completely against my identity, and which only sustained themselves because I never had the confidence to move away from the friendship.
2 examples.
Guy 1: Let's call him Andrew. Andrew and I were best friends in primary school, it became apparent to me throughout high school and early college years that Andrew and I were quite different. Different interests, different taste in things, different demeanour, different in many ways. In truth, I never felt excited about hanging out with him and I still don't. However Andrew also had a bit of a capricious personality for years, particularly when drunk, which made me scared of ever ignoring him or drifting away from the friendship incase he reacted badly. Co-dependency emerged, whereby I pretended to like him to avoid conflict. Andrew's capricious personality went away, he became more at ease with himself, and instead my co-dependency transformed into simply not wanting to hurt Andrew's feelings. In doing so I have hurt myself by not being happy. Andrew has asked me to be groomsman at his wedding next year, which doesn't feel right to me as I am not excited by our friendship at all, but it is what it is.
Group 1: This is a group of persons, not just one guy. They were my friends for a few years from the age of 22-26, partly because of confidence issues but also I guess I just didn't know many other people at the time. We did have some stuff in common, but music is very important to me and they were not on the same wavelenght as me when it came to music. At all. For example I never got the chance to go to music venues to see artists I liked, or go to bars and nightclubs I enjoy, because these guys were not into it and were in fact very narrow minded. And in general, I just didn't feel I clicked with them. For example there were groups or categories of people I would like and feel at home with, who they never felt at home with. It never felt right to me, but it just happened that it was the group of people I lived with at the time and was around with at the time. I guess the inability to drift away from this group was partly because of confidence issues, but maybe also just the reality I didn't have any other friends at the time.
Thankfully at the age of 26 I moved to another city which had the exact music scene I wanted, and met loads of new people who were defo more 'up my street'. From 26 and half, to 28 I had an absolute blast and made up for those lost years. Corona obviously came then, but at that point I actually felt burnt out from all the socializing and partying.
However even though I had a great time the past few years, the past was hanging over. Why was I still friends with Andrew even though I felt no connection? Furthermore, despite the present being great, I still had so many regrets for the years I wasted with 'group 1'. People would ask me about different experiences about clubbing and music, and it felt like an empty hole was missing. Also I'm still in a Whatsapp group with Group 1, which means it's hard to escape from them.
My friends over the years should have been people like me - into music, politics, small interest in sport, and generally chilled. I had some of them over the years, but the majority were not and I never really clicked with them. Thankfully my friends in my new city are on the same wavelenght and I was at least able to enjoy my mid-late 20's.
Summary - Some of my closest friendships to me don't feel 'right' at all and only came about due to lack of confidence and co-dependency. I have no way of escaping this, as is the case with the wedding next year. It doesn't feel right at all, my identity with these people doesn't feel right at all, and I don't know how to deal with it. I actually feel frustration and anguish, to the point where I sometimes feel violent tendencies against these friends. Part of me just feels like being absolutely direct with them and ending these friendships, but that's just gonna result in hurt and pain - particularly for Andrew when I have his wedding to go to next year.
Any ways, my issue is that I have friendships which 'don't feel right' and completely against my identity, and which only sustained themselves because I never had the confidence to move away from the friendship.
2 examples.
Guy 1: Let's call him Andrew. Andrew and I were best friends in primary school, it became apparent to me throughout high school and early college years that Andrew and I were quite different. Different interests, different taste in things, different demeanour, different in many ways. In truth, I never felt excited about hanging out with him and I still don't. However Andrew also had a bit of a capricious personality for years, particularly when drunk, which made me scared of ever ignoring him or drifting away from the friendship incase he reacted badly. Co-dependency emerged, whereby I pretended to like him to avoid conflict. Andrew's capricious personality went away, he became more at ease with himself, and instead my co-dependency transformed into simply not wanting to hurt Andrew's feelings. In doing so I have hurt myself by not being happy. Andrew has asked me to be groomsman at his wedding next year, which doesn't feel right to me as I am not excited by our friendship at all, but it is what it is.
Group 1: This is a group of persons, not just one guy. They were my friends for a few years from the age of 22-26, partly because of confidence issues but also I guess I just didn't know many other people at the time. We did have some stuff in common, but music is very important to me and they were not on the same wavelenght as me when it came to music. At all. For example I never got the chance to go to music venues to see artists I liked, or go to bars and nightclubs I enjoy, because these guys were not into it and were in fact very narrow minded. And in general, I just didn't feel I clicked with them. For example there were groups or categories of people I would like and feel at home with, who they never felt at home with. It never felt right to me, but it just happened that it was the group of people I lived with at the time and was around with at the time. I guess the inability to drift away from this group was partly because of confidence issues, but maybe also just the reality I didn't have any other friends at the time.
Thankfully at the age of 26 I moved to another city which had the exact music scene I wanted, and met loads of new people who were defo more 'up my street'. From 26 and half, to 28 I had an absolute blast and made up for those lost years. Corona obviously came then, but at that point I actually felt burnt out from all the socializing and partying.
However even though I had a great time the past few years, the past was hanging over. Why was I still friends with Andrew even though I felt no connection? Furthermore, despite the present being great, I still had so many regrets for the years I wasted with 'group 1'. People would ask me about different experiences about clubbing and music, and it felt like an empty hole was missing. Also I'm still in a Whatsapp group with Group 1, which means it's hard to escape from them.
My friends over the years should have been people like me - into music, politics, small interest in sport, and generally chilled. I had some of them over the years, but the majority were not and I never really clicked with them. Thankfully my friends in my new city are on the same wavelenght and I was at least able to enjoy my mid-late 20's.
Summary - Some of my closest friendships to me don't feel 'right' at all and only came about due to lack of confidence and co-dependency. I have no way of escaping this, as is the case with the wedding next year. It doesn't feel right at all, my identity with these people doesn't feel right at all, and I don't know how to deal with it. I actually feel frustration and anguish, to the point where I sometimes feel violent tendencies against these friends. Part of me just feels like being absolutely direct with them and ending these friendships, but that's just gonna result in hurt and pain - particularly for Andrew when I have his wedding to go to next year.