After 6 months of weekly therapy with a really insightful therapist I am trying to come to grips with what I have learned were multiple traumas in my youth. For over 45 years I never told a sole but new inside that I was damaged by abuse of a pedophile from 10-12. I have lived with the self blame my whole life for never speaking up and telling anyone so they could protect me. Yes this trauma on its own would likely lead to many problems but what I learned is that what followed were additional traumas from 13-19 that compounded and made the overall damage more severe that left me damaged beyond my realization.
Basically a series of unstable life events and the lack of guidance and oversight to help me make important life decisions. Instead due to many issues that I am beginning to come to grips with about my youth and how I was raised pretty much left me to raise myself and to make life setting decisions without the guidance and support most children, including my own have.
The problem I have is why did this happen? My parents (both whom have passed) were probably focused on my brother (4 years older) and issues he had and I believe unintentionally sort of left me to fend for myself, maybe because it appeared from the outside that I was all good and could take care of myself. I believe due to guilt or a sense of obligation they focused all their efforts on my brother. When my brother was about 14 he found his adoption papers, my parents never told him he was adopted. I think this led to a lot of the lack of oversight for me. My parents were having their own issues and divorced when I was 13.
Below are some of the thoughts and memories that leak out and with a new understanding from therapy, some of it makes sense but most still leaves me bewildered. Here are some of the items that have been racing around my head as I try to understand. Before listing so as not to give an overly slanted view I must say that as an adult I grew very close to both my parents and treasured those years. My mother lived with my wife and I in the last 6 years of her life and was an amazing grandmother to our kids and they were very close. I also took care of both parents financially in the later years of their lives and was glad to be able to do it.
In looking back with a clearer view here are some of the issues that caused me damage. I am not saying it is all their fault, as you will see I am indeed culpable because for every instance I list I never raised my hand to ask for help.
1. I was the victim of a criminal pedophile for 2 years and never told my parents, so there was no way for them to rectify because I never said anything
2. From about 13-19 I was a heavy drug user and no one ever asked or said anything to me?
3. While my brother participated in all kinds of activities like boy scouts and summer camp, I was not offered those options
4. My brother had crooked teeth and had braces for 4 years. Although not as bad, I had dental issues that braces would have fixed but I was not offered them
5. My brother graduated HS (same one all 4 years) and then went to college. He wanted to go to University of Miami which was expensive, my dad cashed in a retirement account to give him that opportunity, he flunked out the first year.
6. I went to 3 different HS in 3 states and was never encouraged to go to college and was never asked if I applied or provided help or guidance. I never went to college and it has made my life much more difficult
For my entire life I have been blaming myself for all of the above and much, much more. With help I am learning that not all of it was my fault but I know that the lifetime of self blame has created significant emotional and physical problems for me. I am having difficulty even writing this because it takes me to some really dark places and thoughts but I guess a journey I need to take.
There are many more significant examples but basically I was sort of on my own and made so many mistakes. Am I a bad person because of all the things I did and did not do?
Basically a series of unstable life events and the lack of guidance and oversight to help me make important life decisions. Instead due to many issues that I am beginning to come to grips with about my youth and how I was raised pretty much left me to raise myself and to make life setting decisions without the guidance and support most children, including my own have.
The problem I have is why did this happen? My parents (both whom have passed) were probably focused on my brother (4 years older) and issues he had and I believe unintentionally sort of left me to fend for myself, maybe because it appeared from the outside that I was all good and could take care of myself. I believe due to guilt or a sense of obligation they focused all their efforts on my brother. When my brother was about 14 he found his adoption papers, my parents never told him he was adopted. I think this led to a lot of the lack of oversight for me. My parents were having their own issues and divorced when I was 13.
Below are some of the thoughts and memories that leak out and with a new understanding from therapy, some of it makes sense but most still leaves me bewildered. Here are some of the items that have been racing around my head as I try to understand. Before listing so as not to give an overly slanted view I must say that as an adult I grew very close to both my parents and treasured those years. My mother lived with my wife and I in the last 6 years of her life and was an amazing grandmother to our kids and they were very close. I also took care of both parents financially in the later years of their lives and was glad to be able to do it.
In looking back with a clearer view here are some of the issues that caused me damage. I am not saying it is all their fault, as you will see I am indeed culpable because for every instance I list I never raised my hand to ask for help.
1. I was the victim of a criminal pedophile for 2 years and never told my parents, so there was no way for them to rectify because I never said anything
2. From about 13-19 I was a heavy drug user and no one ever asked or said anything to me?
3. While my brother participated in all kinds of activities like boy scouts and summer camp, I was not offered those options
4. My brother had crooked teeth and had braces for 4 years. Although not as bad, I had dental issues that braces would have fixed but I was not offered them
5. My brother graduated HS (same one all 4 years) and then went to college. He wanted to go to University of Miami which was expensive, my dad cashed in a retirement account to give him that opportunity, he flunked out the first year.
6. I went to 3 different HS in 3 states and was never encouraged to go to college and was never asked if I applied or provided help or guidance. I never went to college and it has made my life much more difficult
For my entire life I have been blaming myself for all of the above and much, much more. With help I am learning that not all of it was my fault but I know that the lifetime of self blame has created significant emotional and physical problems for me. I am having difficulty even writing this because it takes me to some really dark places and thoughts but I guess a journey I need to take.
There are many more significant examples but basically I was sort of on my own and made so many mistakes. Am I a bad person because of all the things I did and did not do?