rumor18894
Learning
I keep running into this problem with relationships where I feel like the only thing that they are after is my body or my appearance. Even when they are interested in my other qualities, it always seems as if it's because these qualities are useful to them. Nobody seems to figure out that my ambitions in life often keep me from prioritizing them, but at the same time I feel like this thinking i flawed.
I don't make the jump to prioritize them; have never really felt the need to jump in front of a bullet or become emotional that this person loves me. I feel like I can't love anyone. And a large part of that is because I dont trust them to love me (which I characterize as knowing, really knowing, me).
I caught my previous partner staring at me once and when I asked why, he said it was because I was talking about something I was interested in and it lit up my face. That just seemed too cliche to me, like he was acting out lines in a play and it was his cue to act happy.
Anyways, I think a lot of the issue about me not believing that anyone can be interested in me as a person stems from this idea that I have that my brother must have been attracted to me and that's why he did it. I don't think it was a power thing - there was no force involved, just sneaking around touching me until I woke up. He never explained why he did it, though he's apologized multiple times and even said that he was ashamed of his behavior to the point that he was suicidal (giant grain of salt there lol). There was emotional neglect in the family but I doubt he was looking for comfort in me when I was the one who cared about him the least (being a bratty little sister). Also the previous train of thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as if he wouldnt have done it if I had been nicer to him (blech). So all I can come back to is that he was sexually excited by something and decided to act it out on me. And I'm also wondering if it's even something I should be dwelling on. Obviously, it's affecting my relationships but how do I stop wondering if the only thing people see in me is my appearance without trying to figure out once and for all why my brother did it? I feel like if I knew it was something else, I would be able to break this leash. But at the same time, I dont want my self image linked to what he thought of me when he was 13 and horny. I don't know how to peel off this shroud >.>
I don't make the jump to prioritize them; have never really felt the need to jump in front of a bullet or become emotional that this person loves me. I feel like I can't love anyone. And a large part of that is because I dont trust them to love me (which I characterize as knowing, really knowing, me).
I caught my previous partner staring at me once and when I asked why, he said it was because I was talking about something I was interested in and it lit up my face. That just seemed too cliche to me, like he was acting out lines in a play and it was his cue to act happy.
Anyways, I think a lot of the issue about me not believing that anyone can be interested in me as a person stems from this idea that I have that my brother must have been attracted to me and that's why he did it. I don't think it was a power thing - there was no force involved, just sneaking around touching me until I woke up. He never explained why he did it, though he's apologized multiple times and even said that he was ashamed of his behavior to the point that he was suicidal (giant grain of salt there lol). There was emotional neglect in the family but I doubt he was looking for comfort in me when I was the one who cared about him the least (being a bratty little sister). Also the previous train of thought leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as if he wouldnt have done it if I had been nicer to him (blech). So all I can come back to is that he was sexually excited by something and decided to act it out on me. And I'm also wondering if it's even something I should be dwelling on. Obviously, it's affecting my relationships but how do I stop wondering if the only thing people see in me is my appearance without trying to figure out once and for all why my brother did it? I feel like if I knew it was something else, I would be able to break this leash. But at the same time, I dont want my self image linked to what he thought of me when he was 13 and horny. I don't know how to peel off this shroud >.>
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