Depression, sadness and practicing sitting in discomfort

[Recovery4Me]

Swapping out vocabulary/ labels as well as engaging standard strategies for various emotions is tedious and often seems to enrage me deep inside to even have to spend the energy to be ‘grounded‘ within a box of toted mental health. Often, reframing thoughts or wrestling with cognitive distortion just seems like a form of brain washing or invalidating my perception. Yes, I will discuss this with my T but the reality for me is this… sadness, depression and sitting in one’s discomfort sucks.

I try to stay somewhat productive, not too busy to avoid emotions yet not too relaxed to let my wheels spin. Still creates a dutiful living of monitoring actions while simultaneously monitoring my emotions for accumulative groupings to my detriment. It is just an exhausting way to live. Don’t get me wrong… I value living just want another option than my circus.

Perhaps limitations of my disease and monitoring literally my balance physically has taken some toll. Perhaps I just want to be free of the confines that appear to restrict - my needed diet to assist my Ménière’s, my needed curtailing of my communication with family, in order to respect objective boundaries, my viewpoints on some current political affairs, the never-ending list of realistic restrictive no-no’s (that seem at times to be blatant hogwash). I feel like a cat in a wet paper bag .

The criterion with the 5th Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health is IMHO behind the times not adjusting since 2013 for the additional burden of pandemic, climate change, food shortage, isolation due to Covid, additional chaos, loss, “me too” flux, (10 sessions-really? ), the ramifications of several movements in fact, and what many, many additional changes may mean for normalizing certain emotions on that of a global scale.

What IF, (<cognitive distortion here) it was OK to feel mildly depressed like it was almost accepted to be a reality among these critical mass times? Ask your T to define normal and please let me know as there is not a consensus at this time among the mental health expert. What if the world is grieving loss and extended sadness (mild depression) is an result of unthinkable world crisis?

So I am mildly depressed, sitting in discomfort and wondering exactly WTF is real now (to me). I have a new book on Depression sitting in my Kindle, my appointment with my T this Monday but still… knowing perhaps outdated choice of actions to a set of outdated terminology (just my opinion folks) from 2013 … is not comforting that anyone is really in charge of my Mental Health Criteria except for me. So I will sit in my discomfort, muttering disgruntled explicits (privately) counting the WTF s per minute in order to release the frustration of wanting more than managing emotions… I want to just be free of PTSD and live life.
Thanks for the space to share.

 

[ladee]

I'm physically tired and foggy brained R4Me but wanted to share some things with you. If it's not timely or appropriate, please disregard.

You have known me long enough to know that on many occasions I'm 'over the top'. Tho I am more subdued now because of grief, I still have that part of me and I do not think it's PTSD related. It's just part of who I am. Part of my personality. I

I am, by nature, not a rule follower. If it's for the common good then yes. I adapt and adjust my attitude. If it's unreasonable, then no, and I will question why do I have to do it that way.

So I know that at some point I stopped going to therapy, gathered all the tools I've aquired thru that therapy, recovery groups, the many books I've read, and just flew out of the nest. And it was the right thing for me to do.

It gave me space to see what was a symptom and what was who I am by nature. It was very healthy for me. Because like you I was so exhausted from staying on top of everything I had stopped enjoying life.

I have chronic depression. I have lived with it all my life and learned long before therapy how to adjust my life to chronic depression. I knew when it was getting worse and used my tools to see why and took action to get back on track. But my 'back on track' did not look like someones that didn't have depression.

One of the main things I did was stop seeing what all was WRONG with me and started looking for what was RIGHT with me. By MY standards. I do have a moral compass, I am a citizen of the world, but I am not a slave to my symptoms. I also learned that sometimes the symptoms just took care of themselves without me digging into myself until I bled.

I am self disciplined. I do pay attention to what I am thinking and just because I am thinking it doesn't mean I have to say it. BUT, there are times I do have to say it. I'm the judge and jury of my behavior. Not everyone else.

I guess I'm trying to say there just came a time I was ready to trust myself. If something came up I dealt with it. If I didn't there were consequences, but I did not spend any time beating myself up. Perfection was never a problem for me because I always felt that did not give me room to grow and to find myself. Myself. Not who others thought I should be.

And I do agree that the world and it's stressors and fears are different now than they used to be. But I also know I do not participate in political debates, rarely watch the news, and am mindful about what I allow my brain to deal with. Personal choices.

The past year and a half I have really had no choice but to set with my feelings. And they are past uncomfortable. At times the first year I thought I was going to die from the pain. There were no distractions in the world that could take away my pain.

I'm grateful I had practice sitting with the uncomfortable things or I probably wouldn't be here now.

So maybe try finding all the ways you are doing things right for the right reasons. And take some of the pressure off of constant vigilance.

You already have your answers. Nothing wrong with having someone to sound things off of. That's why I come here. But for the most part, I was in maintence until Jan of last year.

But even now, as depressed as I am, I still know what I'm doing or not doing. It's because I gave myself permission to learn to trust myself.

I don't know if any of the above made sense. And of course if it doesn't fit, ignore it. I hope you find some peace R4Me. Life is just too short to be a slave to PTSD forever. Gentle hugs

 

[Skywatcher]

inspiring wisdom, @ladee

 

[Tinyflame]

I think we hold ourselves (by and large) to a higher standard of expectation of ourselves and lack of forgiveness for ourselves that we wouldn't do to others or our pets.

I think @ladee is right. We normally don't see what we do right or acceptable, downgrade what others see as right about us too and overplay other's criticism and our internal critic. Maybe we even lack the neuroreceptors or most effective structure for our reward center in the brain? It would explain why others can seem happier with us sometimes than we are with ourselves.

We also are often taught to not have a voice, or we are not of worth. I remember that guy David Burns saying depressed people are nice people, depressed because they don't want to risk hurting others' feelings so keep it to themselves at their expense. But not wanting to hurt others in itself isn't a bad thing, its' just the depression that is. I would say we've usually dealt with a lot, so even the pandemic affects us differently. Not less or more, but within context it's probably not been The Biggest Mountain.

I accept people as they are and if we gel (or not) it's authentic (or we don't). It's just as realistic to say the same is possible for others for us. Accepting ourselves might be harder. Feeling good about finding what we feel is right about ourselves is probably harder than for most people, but maybe not impossible. And to see people can know what is not great in us, yet not feel it's as big a deal or as negative as we do.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@ladee … I’m glad you chimed in. It was a trauma anniversary date of my passed child and I thought of you. During this time, no matter how hard I try, I do indeed “go over the top” too, as you stated for yourself. Perhaps my anger allows lessened depression even if is self-eroding. But finding good in myself during that period is challenging. Grief is not a mantle but loss can be a weight. So thank you Ladee from one surviving parent to another for extending during your fog.

@Rosebud …for you to take such care to sit with another during your own multiple and heavy filled grief, is among the most beautiful and kind things ever gifted to me. I can not offer properly, my respect for you to find time to comfort and assist another during your own loss. Prayers and respect.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry that that anniversary was the reason for your question. I'm still 'new' into the journey and still feel very raw and all the other feelings that go with the loss of a child. Sitting with you R4Me. I do understand the wide range of feelings. Take five minutes to be gentle with yourself. And then somewhere during the day, take five more minutes. Genlte hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

Very honored by your words and your heart @Recovery4Me , thank you xoxox.

 

[Kintsugi]

I wish I had more to offer in this string of beautiful responses, but instead I’ll say I’m sitting in this space with you, my dear friend.

So I will sit in my discomfort, muttering disgruntled explicits (privately) counting the WTF s per minute in order to release the frustration of wanting more than managing emotions… I want to just be free of PTSD and live life.