human007
Policy Enforcement
I took a nap this afternoon and had a nightmare about my toxic friend.
The nightmare started when I moved out from my country, to my toxic friend’s country. I arrived in his high school and I saw a bunch of female students gathering in a park in front of the school. In my nightmare, my toxic friend and I are still in highschool. The female students that are sitting in the park are having a great time talking to each other, laughing, etc.
I enter one of the class in that highschool and talked about random stuff with some of the female students there. We were having a nice time until they told me that my toxic friend, went to a class beside them and they told me to meet him. They also told me that my toxic friend made a video about me before I blocked him. But in the nightmare I keep wanting to see the video and keep playing the video, but the video always stopped in the middle before I see the point of the video.
Later I went to my toxic friend’s class. I saw my toxic friend and immediately hug him. He felt very uncomfortable and he looked like he didn’t like my presence in his class. He is not happy that I came and meet him. He scolded me and yelled at me and pushed me away from him. I want to sit next to him but he forbid me to sit next to him.
His teacher came and my toxic friend told me to leave. I don’t wanna leave so I pretend to be one of the student in his class and sit in a chair far from him as his teacher came and start the lesson. I tried to whisper to my toxic friend just for being silly and playing around with him. The teacher caught me and immediately scolded me and yelled at me. I talked back at him (the teacher) and said “why am I not allowed to talk? I have my right to here. Just because you’re a teacher doesn’t mean you can control me”. The teacher immediately mocking me and said “oh so you have the nerve to talk back at your teacher?” and he grabbed a short big wooden beam and immediately hit my head so hard to punish me. I was speechless and immediately in shock. It hurts so bad even though it was in the dream. And my toxic friend was speechless but not surprised, he said it’s very predictable and it seems that he doesn’t care to help. I get angry and scream to the teacher “this is child abuse!!! This is wrong!! You know you can be arrested for it right?” the teacher chuckled at me and my toxic friend said I will receive 2 more of the wooden hit, and he’s right. The teacher hit my head with the wooden beam again for two times this time and he is about to hit me again for the third time before I grab his wooden beam and took it from him. I hold it and I said “you think this is fun right? Hitting a minor like me? Just because you’re an adult? You know what, you’ll be in big trouble because I’m not a student from this school!!” .
The teacher didn’t say anything. The whole class was in an awkward silence. I immediately run my way out from the class while crying. I didn’t cry because of the pain and the humiliation. I cried because my toxic friend didn’t do anything to help me. He just stood there, not saying anything but expecting physical violence right directed at me. He didn’t have any will to comfort me or say something or help me. He just stood there watching me being hurt. Just exactly like what he do in real life.
I woke up with a bit of headache and a complete despair in my heart.
This is the first time I dreamt of this toxic friend. I figured that I may be dreamt about him because I still have a fresh wound that he gave to my heart. In my dream he doesn’t like my presence and seems like he hates me. And that exactly how he feels towards me in real life at the moment. In my dream I was hitted in my head with a wooden beam, that was a repetitive trauma from years ago when my sociopath brother hit my head so hard for few times and nobody willing to help me.
Me and my toxic friend:
I met my toxic friend 2-3 months ago through internet. At first, we get along really well. We have similar sense of humor and we both like Japan, anime, manga, etc. we like to spent time together by playing games, watch movies/series together, listening to music together. I thought I have met my bestfriend.
We like to flirt with each other as a joke. I never have a thought to date him because we have different needs when it comes to relationship. I want to be in a certain kind of relationship that might be strange or too much for normal people. Also, I am asexual and he is hypersexual. There’s no way the relationship would work. But then his flirt started becoming serious. So I told him that I don’t think we are both compatible due to those reason. He said he doesn’t care, he wanted to make it work. He said it doesn’t matter if our relationship stay SFW. He said he will learn about the kind of relationship I want and will be the best partner he can to fulfill my needs in that kind of relationship. He said he wants to “help” me. He said for starter he wants me to write a journal in a site where both of us are the only person who can read it. So I did it, I wrote a brief journal each days and in my journal I also explained abuse and bully that I received everyday from family and classmates. He read the journal but often won’t say anything regarding what I wrote there. He said he care about what I wrote but he didn’t want to bring it up because he is afraid it will make me uncomfortable. And I told him I would prefer if he talk about what I wrote there with me. So he do it, but only stuff like “sorry to hear that” “ugh I wish I could kill those people!”.
We would recommend mangas, anime to each other. But sometimes he still can’t help to not bring NSFW stuff to our conversation which makes me uncomfortable. He’d be busy with college and only talk to me to vent about his struggle. And then I decided to tell him that we should stop trying to make our relationship work since there’s no way it will work. There’s no way he can live with someone who doesn’t want sex. He was disagree at first with my opinion but then he agreed with me.
And then few days after he told me about his struggle. He still can’t get over his ex. He said he broke up with her few months ago, and then he felt lonely 2 months ago so he messaged her asking for company again. And then he’d told me that this girl would ignore him for days and come back to him only when she needs to vent about something. And ever since that, our conversation will only revolve around her. Later he told me that he wanna try with her again, he said he wants to protect her. But then he found out that she has been cheating with many guys from him. but he said he doesn’t matter and doesn’t mind to be in an open relationship with her. She is allowed to have many boyfriends as long as he know who it is. He give her rules that is very easy for normal human, like basically bare minimum. I told him that this will only bring hell to him, it will only hurt him in the end. He said it doesn’t matter. He started spending time with her more than me. In the end their relationship didn’t work because the girl is breaking all the rules, aren’t serious with him. They started blocking each other. Yeah it’s a long story and I’m too sick to write everything. But yeah he unblocked her and then talk with each other again, give another chance again, the cycle repeat all their lives.
And I told him I just don’t get it. Whats so special about her? She never ever treat him nice. But he is crazy over her so bad. I just don’t get it whats the point of hurting himself like this. But he wants to believe in a fake hopes that he and she made. I keep telling him to move on from her, block her, never ever get in contact with her. I give him my best, my very best. Even when I’m sick I still listen to his vent and do my best to give him advice. I’d send him links, videos, articles to help him get through it. But its never enough. He said he care about me and want to help me but he is unfamiliar with abuse and he wants to learn how to help me. I send him videos, links and article that will help. It’s so easy to research about those but he won’t even look at it. He continue to focus on his ex so bad.
I understand that maybe he acted that way because he have issues, or maybe because he loves who hurts him and ignore who care for him. But what he did to me was so mean. I gave him my best only to be thrown away like trash. We’d often have argument and fight because he keep hurting himself for his ex and won’t even care about me. Even though he said I was the only one that care for him the most and willing to give him the best effort. Even though he said I was “precious”. But he still chose to be with her. And what hurt me the most, he said he loves her. I just don’t get it. Everything I do, I do it for him. It’s too hurtful for me to see someone I care about ruining his live because of someone like her ex. It’s too depressing for me and often I cried thinking about this.
When we have argument, he’d often guilt tripping and leave me all alone while I’m crying and feeling super sad. He’d said “oh yeah, I’m too disgusting to talk with someone like you, right?”. Stuff like that. And often when he’s done venting, he’d leave me to do whatever he is doing and not asking about how am I feeling. It’s all about him only, it was never, never about me. He never care about me… and with all my help to him, all my advice, all my time I spent for him, all my sacrifice, everything, everything I do is for him, but it’s never enough.
I chose to blocked him from all my social media few weeks ago. But I still often thinking about him, worrying If I did too much. Worrying if I make him sad. Worrying if he do something stupid. So a week ago I unblocked him and asked how is he doing. He said he is doing okay. I told him I apologize for blocking him and explained the reason why. He said he understands but he won’t apologize for what he said and won’t bringing it up because we are just compatible like that. I said “okay… I hope you will never talk to her anymore”
And then he asked me if I have found my perfect partner. I said “not yet, I am not looking for a partner at the moment” and he said he wish I will find the “perfect” partner soon because I deserve it more than anyone. And ever since that, we never talk anymore. But I still see his Instagram stories, he’d often showing off his conversation with other person that claimed care about him. Can’t he see that I’m the one who care about him? why is it never enough? Can’t he take a minute and think about how much I care and support and put so much effort for him? it was never enough. And I thought he was my bestfriend. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would play games together and watch movies together, forever. He said nothing’s gonna change, but everything’s change.
I tried to block him again few days ago, but then I unblocked him and add him as a friend again because I still worry about him and want to know how is he doing through his Instagram stories. Now I’m considering to just block him forever… do you think I should really just block him forever and move on and accept the fact that he really is never care about me?
I just want to have a bestfriend, but nobody ever think of me as a bestfriend. Anyone that I thought are my bestfriend, anyone that made me happy, never wanted to be my bestfriend. I was never enough for anyone. People that made me happy are aren’t good people. And even if some of them are good, they never wanted to be closer with me. Is it so hard to find a bestfriend? Everyone else have a bestfriend. I’m the one who doesn’t have a bestfriend. When I’m sad I wipe my own tears, pat my back and said everythings gonna be okay. When deep inside I know it will never be okay. I’m so tired doing my best for people when they are sad but they never care about me when I’m sad.
The loneliness feeling starting to get me. I just want to be happy with a bestfriend. Is it that much to ask?
I just want to play games, laugh together, hang out together and watch movies/series together with a bestfriend. But no one want that with me…
Just why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???!! What did I do wrong? Why am I never enough? Why am I so easily to be forgotten. Why am I so easily to be taken advantage of?
I’ve tried myyyy best but why is it never good enough? Why I never get what I want? I always try to make people happy, I always try to not be boring, I always try to care for them. But it was never, ever enough. Nobody want to put as much as effort as I do for them. Nobody want to sacrifice as much as I do.
Why am I never good enough?
People said that in this life, we really are alone. We were born alone and will die alone. People will come and go and we just have to accept it because that’s part of life and in the end we can only lean on ourselves. But I don’t want that… I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to accept that. I have been alone my whole life and I have to survive alone my whole life, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to expressing my anger to people who loved me anymore. Now that everybody has gone, nobody want to be around me anymore. I don’t want to be alone, ever.
The nightmare started when I moved out from my country, to my toxic friend’s country. I arrived in his high school and I saw a bunch of female students gathering in a park in front of the school. In my nightmare, my toxic friend and I are still in highschool. The female students that are sitting in the park are having a great time talking to each other, laughing, etc.
I enter one of the class in that highschool and talked about random stuff with some of the female students there. We were having a nice time until they told me that my toxic friend, went to a class beside them and they told me to meet him. They also told me that my toxic friend made a video about me before I blocked him. But in the nightmare I keep wanting to see the video and keep playing the video, but the video always stopped in the middle before I see the point of the video.
Later I went to my toxic friend’s class. I saw my toxic friend and immediately hug him. He felt very uncomfortable and he looked like he didn’t like my presence in his class. He is not happy that I came and meet him. He scolded me and yelled at me and pushed me away from him. I want to sit next to him but he forbid me to sit next to him.
His teacher came and my toxic friend told me to leave. I don’t wanna leave so I pretend to be one of the student in his class and sit in a chair far from him as his teacher came and start the lesson. I tried to whisper to my toxic friend just for being silly and playing around with him. The teacher caught me and immediately scolded me and yelled at me. I talked back at him (the teacher) and said “why am I not allowed to talk? I have my right to here. Just because you’re a teacher doesn’t mean you can control me”. The teacher immediately mocking me and said “oh so you have the nerve to talk back at your teacher?” and he grabbed a short big wooden beam and immediately hit my head so hard to punish me. I was speechless and immediately in shock. It hurts so bad even though it was in the dream. And my toxic friend was speechless but not surprised, he said it’s very predictable and it seems that he doesn’t care to help. I get angry and scream to the teacher “this is child abuse!!! This is wrong!! You know you can be arrested for it right?” the teacher chuckled at me and my toxic friend said I will receive 2 more of the wooden hit, and he’s right. The teacher hit my head with the wooden beam again for two times this time and he is about to hit me again for the third time before I grab his wooden beam and took it from him. I hold it and I said “you think this is fun right? Hitting a minor like me? Just because you’re an adult? You know what, you’ll be in big trouble because I’m not a student from this school!!” .
The teacher didn’t say anything. The whole class was in an awkward silence. I immediately run my way out from the class while crying. I didn’t cry because of the pain and the humiliation. I cried because my toxic friend didn’t do anything to help me. He just stood there, not saying anything but expecting physical violence right directed at me. He didn’t have any will to comfort me or say something or help me. He just stood there watching me being hurt. Just exactly like what he do in real life.
I woke up with a bit of headache and a complete despair in my heart.
This is the first time I dreamt of this toxic friend. I figured that I may be dreamt about him because I still have a fresh wound that he gave to my heart. In my dream he doesn’t like my presence and seems like he hates me. And that exactly how he feels towards me in real life at the moment. In my dream I was hitted in my head with a wooden beam, that was a repetitive trauma from years ago when my sociopath brother hit my head so hard for few times and nobody willing to help me.
Me and my toxic friend:
I met my toxic friend 2-3 months ago through internet. At first, we get along really well. We have similar sense of humor and we both like Japan, anime, manga, etc. we like to spent time together by playing games, watch movies/series together, listening to music together. I thought I have met my bestfriend.
We like to flirt with each other as a joke. I never have a thought to date him because we have different needs when it comes to relationship. I want to be in a certain kind of relationship that might be strange or too much for normal people. Also, I am asexual and he is hypersexual. There’s no way the relationship would work. But then his flirt started becoming serious. So I told him that I don’t think we are both compatible due to those reason. He said he doesn’t care, he wanted to make it work. He said it doesn’t matter if our relationship stay SFW. He said he will learn about the kind of relationship I want and will be the best partner he can to fulfill my needs in that kind of relationship. He said he wants to “help” me. He said for starter he wants me to write a journal in a site where both of us are the only person who can read it. So I did it, I wrote a brief journal each days and in my journal I also explained abuse and bully that I received everyday from family and classmates. He read the journal but often won’t say anything regarding what I wrote there. He said he care about what I wrote but he didn’t want to bring it up because he is afraid it will make me uncomfortable. And I told him I would prefer if he talk about what I wrote there with me. So he do it, but only stuff like “sorry to hear that” “ugh I wish I could kill those people!”.
We would recommend mangas, anime to each other. But sometimes he still can’t help to not bring NSFW stuff to our conversation which makes me uncomfortable. He’d be busy with college and only talk to me to vent about his struggle. And then I decided to tell him that we should stop trying to make our relationship work since there’s no way it will work. There’s no way he can live with someone who doesn’t want sex. He was disagree at first with my opinion but then he agreed with me.
And then few days after he told me about his struggle. He still can’t get over his ex. He said he broke up with her few months ago, and then he felt lonely 2 months ago so he messaged her asking for company again. And then he’d told me that this girl would ignore him for days and come back to him only when she needs to vent about something. And ever since that, our conversation will only revolve around her. Later he told me that he wanna try with her again, he said he wants to protect her. But then he found out that she has been cheating with many guys from him. but he said he doesn’t matter and doesn’t mind to be in an open relationship with her. She is allowed to have many boyfriends as long as he know who it is. He give her rules that is very easy for normal human, like basically bare minimum. I told him that this will only bring hell to him, it will only hurt him in the end. He said it doesn’t matter. He started spending time with her more than me. In the end their relationship didn’t work because the girl is breaking all the rules, aren’t serious with him. They started blocking each other. Yeah it’s a long story and I’m too sick to write everything. But yeah he unblocked her and then talk with each other again, give another chance again, the cycle repeat all their lives.
And I told him I just don’t get it. Whats so special about her? She never ever treat him nice. But he is crazy over her so bad. I just don’t get it whats the point of hurting himself like this. But he wants to believe in a fake hopes that he and she made. I keep telling him to move on from her, block her, never ever get in contact with her. I give him my best, my very best. Even when I’m sick I still listen to his vent and do my best to give him advice. I’d send him links, videos, articles to help him get through it. But its never enough. He said he care about me and want to help me but he is unfamiliar with abuse and he wants to learn how to help me. I send him videos, links and article that will help. It’s so easy to research about those but he won’t even look at it. He continue to focus on his ex so bad.
I understand that maybe he acted that way because he have issues, or maybe because he loves who hurts him and ignore who care for him. But what he did to me was so mean. I gave him my best only to be thrown away like trash. We’d often have argument and fight because he keep hurting himself for his ex and won’t even care about me. Even though he said I was the only one that care for him the most and willing to give him the best effort. Even though he said I was “precious”. But he still chose to be with her. And what hurt me the most, he said he loves her. I just don’t get it. Everything I do, I do it for him. It’s too hurtful for me to see someone I care about ruining his live because of someone like her ex. It’s too depressing for me and often I cried thinking about this.
When we have argument, he’d often guilt tripping and leave me all alone while I’m crying and feeling super sad. He’d said “oh yeah, I’m too disgusting to talk with someone like you, right?”. Stuff like that. And often when he’s done venting, he’d leave me to do whatever he is doing and not asking about how am I feeling. It’s all about him only, it was never, never about me. He never care about me… and with all my help to him, all my advice, all my time I spent for him, all my sacrifice, everything, everything I do is for him, but it’s never enough.
I chose to blocked him from all my social media few weeks ago. But I still often thinking about him, worrying If I did too much. Worrying if I make him sad. Worrying if he do something stupid. So a week ago I unblocked him and asked how is he doing. He said he is doing okay. I told him I apologize for blocking him and explained the reason why. He said he understands but he won’t apologize for what he said and won’t bringing it up because we are just compatible like that. I said “okay… I hope you will never talk to her anymore”
And then he asked me if I have found my perfect partner. I said “not yet, I am not looking for a partner at the moment” and he said he wish I will find the “perfect” partner soon because I deserve it more than anyone. And ever since that, we never talk anymore. But I still see his Instagram stories, he’d often showing off his conversation with other person that claimed care about him. Can’t he see that I’m the one who care about him? why is it never enough? Can’t he take a minute and think about how much I care and support and put so much effort for him? it was never enough. And I thought he was my bestfriend. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we would play games together and watch movies together, forever. He said nothing’s gonna change, but everything’s change.
I tried to block him again few days ago, but then I unblocked him and add him as a friend again because I still worry about him and want to know how is he doing through his Instagram stories. Now I’m considering to just block him forever… do you think I should really just block him forever and move on and accept the fact that he really is never care about me?
I just want to have a bestfriend, but nobody ever think of me as a bestfriend. Anyone that I thought are my bestfriend, anyone that made me happy, never wanted to be my bestfriend. I was never enough for anyone. People that made me happy are aren’t good people. And even if some of them are good, they never wanted to be closer with me. Is it so hard to find a bestfriend? Everyone else have a bestfriend. I’m the one who doesn’t have a bestfriend. When I’m sad I wipe my own tears, pat my back and said everythings gonna be okay. When deep inside I know it will never be okay. I’m so tired doing my best for people when they are sad but they never care about me when I’m sad.
The loneliness feeling starting to get me. I just want to be happy with a bestfriend. Is it that much to ask?
I just want to play games, laugh together, hang out together and watch movies/series together with a bestfriend. But no one want that with me…
Just why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???!! What did I do wrong? Why am I never enough? Why am I so easily to be forgotten. Why am I so easily to be taken advantage of?
I’ve tried myyyy best but why is it never good enough? Why I never get what I want? I always try to make people happy, I always try to not be boring, I always try to care for them. But it was never, ever enough. Nobody want to put as much as effort as I do for them. Nobody want to sacrifice as much as I do.
Why am I never good enough?
People said that in this life, we really are alone. We were born alone and will die alone. People will come and go and we just have to accept it because that’s part of life and in the end we can only lean on ourselves. But I don’t want that… I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to accept that. I have been alone my whole life and I have to survive alone my whole life, I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to expressing my anger to people who loved me anymore. Now that everybody has gone, nobody want to be around me anymore. I don’t want to be alone, ever.