CSA and strange sexual desires make me feel disgusting

[torturedsoul4]

I have a cycle. Something stressful happens and triggers me. Then I start having flashbacks and nightmares of CSA. Also have a relapse of ED and SH and then I become extremely hyper sexual. I crave very rough, dark sex. I feel so gross and ashamed.
Which is the problem-
My husband a) has a low sex drive and constantly turns me down and b) won’t participate in the type of sex I desire. I feel disgusting for my desires and my husband seems to be disgusted by them also. I don’t know what to do. It just makes me feel very angry with myself, with him. Makes me feel very alone.
Anyone else have similar issues?

Yep. I just logged in, searched a key term and your post calls out to me. I've been married for 15 years now. Our sex life has never been great even in our peak years. She is just like your husband & I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about sex with other women now. I even logged into an adult dating site for some erotic chat and now I feel filthy about it..I'm lost

 

[Rumors]

Yep. I just logged in, searched a key term and your post calls out to me. I've been married for 15 years now. Our sex life has never been great even in our peak years. She is just like your husband & I'm CONSTANTLY thinking about sex with other women now. I even logged into an adult dating site for some erotic chat and now I feel filthy about it..I'm lost

Before you do something that you might really regret, go find a therapist. What potentially happens if she finds out is far more hurtful than a few therapy sessions to figure this out.

 

[Freddyt]

I have a cycle. Something stressful happens and triggers me. Then I start having flashbacks and nightmares of CSA. Also have a relapse of ED and SH and then I become extremely hyper sexual. I crave very rough, dark sex. I feel so gross and ashamed.

Guess what? You are normal. Childhood trauma sexual or not can lead to some sexual problems. Most of it is started by something stressful and triggering. In most cases because they have no one to turn to they shall we say "take care of themselves". That provides a shot of pain relieving but addictive chemicals that help normalize you.
It's like any addictive drug. Your body and brain crave it and will do what they can to get it. How do you get more of it? Create thoughts that help feed that addiction.

The spouse not having the same drive? Yours is being created by your stress and triggers, not normal human need.

All in all, I would:
- Have a frank talk with your spouse and talk about whats going on. It's not about love and affection. It's PTSD.
- Make no mistake, this is a PTSD symptom. Treat everything around it like part of your PTSD. Separate it as much as possible from your relationship.
- Find a space, and a code word, and whatever so when you feel stressed you can have some "alone time". Again separate as much as possible from your relationship.
- Quit worrying about what your brain dreams up. As trauma is dealt with, those thoughts will change to something more normal. (Don't ask...)
- Talk to your T about it. Yes it's weird, no your T won't think you are a sick weird freak. It's part of PTSD, and possibly more but get professional help.

 

[Madmaninabox]

Something stressful happens and triggers me. Then I start having flashbacks and nightmares of CSA. Also have a relapse of ED and SH and then I become extremely hyper sexual. I crave very rough, dark sex. I feel so gross and ashamed.

I relate to this so much your not alone.
I know when I get really badly triggered I feel like I'm constantly turned on for a while after. and then I get more triggered because I was obviously being tuned on by the same types of things that happened when I was molested.

so ya it's a cycle and it feeds off itself. Being triggered turns me on, and being turned on triggers me.

It all feels gross and I have a lot of shame. I also just feel like if I ever have a partner there is no way they could possibly understand. Because it's happening to me and I barley understand I just know it happening.

I don't really have anything to add other then yep same. So I hope that's helpful. I'm so sorry you are going through this.