Rock Bottom

[Nathan Stampley]

I am an OIF and OEF war veteran married with one biological son (3) and a step father to my daughter (10). I love my family more than anything in this world, however, suffering from this disorder while in denial has possibly cost me this wonderful blessing.

Before I served in Iraq, I was never a violent person but kind, loving, and caring by nature. During my eight month tour as a part of the first wave of the war I was completely consumed at the gut wrenching preoccupation that wife was back home living it up and being unfaithful. These feelings and fears were so powerful and consuming that I could have easily been killed because I was not focusing clearly. When I returned my wife confessed to kissing a guy at a party that was part of some game they were playing. I broke like a glass bottle being slammed into concrete. I forgave her and we moved on and everything went well up until about seven or eight months ago.

I started drinking alot to cope with the emotions and just numbed myself until I received a DUI in June of 09 which was totally a wake up call so I quit drinking. While I was drinking I did not realise that I was suppressing the memories from the war and of my wife. After I quit, my emotions and memories flooded my entire existence and I began to suspect my wife was having an affair. I kept after her by accusing and with verbal and physical abuse. The last time we got into the cops were call and I ended up in jail and the lowest point in life. Now I am out of the house but still have hope and with the appropriate time maybe I can win her back and this why I posting this thread in hopes of getting some encouragement and advice. Is there anyone here in which whom might be going through the same issues and would like to help on this matter?

 

[amethist]

Hi Nathan

Welcome to the forum.

You are not alone with any of this, so many veterans suffer in various degrees. It will take time to deal with all that is going on right now, but with hard work, therapy and medication if needed, you can fight through and come out with your family back together. That is hoping your wife will and wants to work with you.

Have a look at the Combat Forum too, you can find the link to that on at the top of the Home Page.

You could also suggest to your wife that she could find some help and support of her own, there is plenty of information in the carers section of both forums, that may give her a better idea of why you are so different from before.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[Jawn]

Welcome to the forum Nathan. You will find lots of support and good information here.

Jawn

 

[lovinbiker]

Welcome to the forum, I would have a read of some of the articles and posts. Lots of good information and people here.

Take care
LB

 

[Nathan Stampley]

You are not alone with any of this, so many veterans suffer in various degrees. It will take time to deal with all that is going on right now, but with hard work, therapy and medication if needed, you can fight through and come out with your family back together. That is hoping your wife will and wants to work with you.

Have a look at the Combat Forum too, you can find the link to that on at the top of the Home Page.

You could also suggest to your wife that she could find some help and support of her own, there is plenty of information in the carers section of both forums, that may give her a better idea of why you are so different from before.

Hello and thanks much for the encouragement. Fortunately, I was able to have Thanks Giving dinner with my wife, son, and mother-in-law. My soul is on fire right now with pain, guilt, and embarassment. In this very moment I can honestly say that this demon has consumed what once was somewhat of a normal person. I understand that right now I am much more vulnerable to this disease and it is taking every advantage to get at me but I do have a plan and I know I will stick to it. My family is my bedrock and security blanket, so naturally I am out of my element but I am fighting back to regain control. God Bless you!

 

[PTSDT]

This is such a tough one and something that is happening to so many veterans. First of all, thank you for serving in the military. The transition from war strategy and survival to family is something no one except a veteran can understand or comprehend completely.

My feeling is that you have to work on yourself completely. Tell you family and friends that you must work on your PTSD before you will be able to transition back into your civilian life. I believe with this long term war and multiple tours of duty over the past 7 years also creates a form of PTSD for spouses, children and other close family members at home.

If you start working hard on dealing with your changes, the drinking, the anger, the grief, etc. caused by being a warrior, maybe your family can be put back together in a new way. When domestic violence/abuse occurs, it can become a vicious cycle because of the shame for both people. The only way to overcome that shame is by getting outside help so you can be sure you have the tools to control your reactions when angry. My PTSD causes me great rage sometimes. I am ashamed of how I act and the things I say. But with intensive therapy and a of hard work on myself, my anger is not popping up as often. Good luck. You served your country. Now work with that same determination and drive to help yourself understand and find your best coping skills for your PTSD. Take care of you now.

 

[anni]

You had the stuffing to quit drinking-that is so key. You did that. My abuser did not because he could give a crap about anyone else. Your determination shows that you have it in you to change when so many do not, you are allowing yourself the pain of the embaressment and guilt for having harmed her, when many, many only justify and throw blame elsewhere. I'm not hearing this from you, not even some tiny, little tag sentence of 'if only she...'. It's something we're terribly familiar with, on the other end, and it's scary, believe me, since it's awfully telling about when these changes are hollow.

We send our people over there and bring them back expecting them to meld again in normal life, only addressing the fall-out of everything you've had to go through over there WHEN something goes terribly wrong. I'm sorry for this, for you and all of them. You are addressing this and all the fall-out unflinchingly so I do wish to say well done. I also do have to admire your family-your wife. It is tough to have faced what she did and trust again, you know? That is not at all to add to your guilt-I would not do that to you after your genuine efforts. It just says much for your determination, and hers, that Thanksgiving was together. I do hope she has therapy also ( again do not mean to give you more guilt-please do not think so?) through this, since the events must have been something which were scary for her, also, and the fall-out there should really be addressed.

It's tough, as the victim of domestic violence to answer your post. I am doing so because after hearing so many, many, MANY times "I'll change" ( with a bottle in the other hand ) you show actual behaviour which says you have, and will keep changing into the man your family needs. I thought it needed to be acknowledged, you know? It's just plain nice to see, so thank you.

All the best to you and your family-keep working, ok?

Anni

 

[Nathan Stampley]

Hello and thanks for all the encouragement and advice. Anni I really appreciate your stregnth to reply to my post, it helps to hear it from another perspective who has gone through the same. I am sorry you had to or are having to suffer through this. Many, many, times I justified my behaviour by accusing my wife or blaming her. It got really bad the last 8 months. Now that I am out of the house and reflecting, I can begin to realize just how frustrating and hurtful it must have been for her to keep trying to prove her innoncence to no avail. I would literally interrogate, inspect, and then expect everything to go back to normal after I got my fix for the security I was looking for. However, that was not entirely the case with her. One thing that I did not understand or did not want to understand is how come she had lost interest in sex. She would explain to me over and over that every since this started it was difficult for her to be intimate like that and those explanations would just feed into my assumptions. Everyday day it was the same questions and everyday it was the same answers (Obsessive compulsive is one of my major symptoms).

So many important people in my life kept telling me to just trust her. These folks were my parents, counselor, pshyciatrist, relatives, and friends. At times I would show flashes of improvement but my obsessions and impulsive behaviour was so overwhelming that I would start the cycle over. Checking her phone, going through emails and even to the extent of inspecting her under garments. Rational thinking is just something that has abandoned me. I told her over and over that I was going to change and I have tried hard to but it always goes back to verbal and physical abuse. It is hard for me to admit that because I truly believe that I am not a violent and abusive person. Thanks again for all the advice I have recieved from all the folks in here and God Bless you!

 

[seedling]

Nathan, hang in there and keep on going. Many of us have stood in that painful fire. It's intense.

With PTSD there always seems to be a sense of soul-crushing loss of self. To look for someone to blame for that may be pretty common. Your wife was far away and your mind starts trying to find an outlet for that huge sense of collapse inside yourself. The illness starts making you feel you've lost everything when it's not always true. Everyone else seems to be fine, what's happened to us? We fall into the pit and don't know how we got there.

I don't know of anything much harder than behaving the right way when your thoughts and emotions are screaming something else at you. But it does get better. Glad to here you have professional help. Your wife must see enough of the old you still there and love you enough to keep trying.

Take care.

 

[Nathan Stampley]

You had the stuffing to quit drinking-that is so key. You did that. My abuser did not because he could give a crap about anyone else. Your determination shows that you have it in you to change when so many do not, you are allowing yourself the pain of the embaressment and guilt for having harmed her, when many, many only justify and throw blame elsewhere. I'm not hearing this from you, not even some tiny, little tag sentence of 'if only she...'. It's something we're terribly familiar with, on the other end, and it's scary, believe me, since it's awfully telling about when these changes are hollow.

We send our people over there and bring them back expecting them to meld again in normal life, only addressing the fall-out of everything you've had to go through over there WHEN something goes terribly wrong. I'm sorry for this, for you and all of them. You are addressing this and all the fall-out unflinchingly so I do wish to say well done. I also do have to admire your family-your wife. It is tough to have faced what she did and trust again, you know? That is not at all to add to your guilt-I would not do that to you after your genuine efforts. It just says much for your determination, and hers, that Thanksgiving was together. I do hope she has therapy also ( again do not mean to give you more guilt-please do not think so?) through this, since the events must have been something which were scary for her, also, and the fall-out there should really be addressed.

It's tough, as the victim of domestic violence to answer your post. I am doing so because after hearing so many, many, MANY times "I'll change" ( with a bottle in the other hand ) you show actual behaviour which says you have, and will keep changing into the man your family needs. I thought it needed to be acknowledged, you know? It's just plain nice to see, so thank you

Anni, I have read your post quite a few times now and each time unravels a ball of built in emotions and memories. I really, really, appreciate the response because in the little you have explained I have realized so much. I will forever have to live with the remorse knowing that my wife was a victim by me. You mentioned about changing into the man my family needs, it hurts so bad to know that I was not. I have been able to spend time with my boy but after leaving and returning to this empty hotel room I am over whelmed with seperation anxiety. I love them so much. I miss my family terribly.

 

[PTSDT]

Working on yourself is the way to go. Missing your family is wonderful motivation to find the tools to make sure you have better coping skills. You have time now. Find a support group for veterans with PTSD, tell your therapist you coped using violence and you need help to not do that again, call the VA and ask for assistance, etc.

Do everything you can do to work on your health and issues so that by the time you get back to that hotel room, you are ready to just go to sleep and keep working on yourself until you know you can cope with your anger and you can prove that to your family.

These anger issues and reactions are common in many relationships. So many abusive people repeat the behaviors over and over again for years. You are different. You are afraid of how your anger and PTSD caused you to act. You will change it. You will work on your coping skills and not abuse. You are a war hero.

Ask for help with anger management and learn how to cope. Then you will trust yourself again, feel better, and work things out with your family.

Use this time you have alone to become the best man you can be. You will not be like you were before you went to war. But you will grow from this experience, learn different coping skills, forgive yourself for any mistakes, learn different actions, and be a better father and husband. Once new behaviors have been stacked upon the mistakes, the mistakes will be gone. Begin anew.

 

[anni]

Yes, but again, you HURT. It's telling. Alot. The sociopath who used to mouth those words to me did not mean them. He did not go back to an empty hotel room, but reacted with more violence and hatred that I did not capitualte to his 'remorse'. It is time to try to not hurt anyone anymore, including yourself. Yes, you have to carry these images with you forever now. So does she, and again- I am not applying another layer of guilt to the many you already genuinely carry, am just stating facts, ok? You have pain also, of knowing you did this, but at least you have this pain since it means you DO know. The beginning dynamics for how one starts again, with this is the past would be for a professional. NOT because you are beyond broken and irredeemable but because they just know how to fill in the blanks for us. Guilt is awful and in saying this I do not mean to strip what happened of it's dreadfullness, but you kind of can't move forward and begin another path with it all eating at you.

Why do I think you are sincere when I myself had zero reason to believe? Because you'd hardly strip your story bare with no justifications were you not sincere and because I never heard one word of 'blame' directed at your wife. 'They' do that, you know. Even when 'admitting' to doing something dreadful, they just can't help slipping something in which is a dead give-away about how the wife provoked them in some way, and perhaps it wasn't quite all their fault, you know?

Pain is pain.You both have it. Hers probably has fear attached to it as well ( again- no guilt implied, please know ). You so much deserve to heal, and even though it can't be with your family at the moment it just plain seems you're awfully determined to get there. I'm hoping for you both, really. I'd have given an awful lot, in the past, to have been able to see one single sign that the other person had truth behind them. Maybe the empty hotel room can be more a place of refuge while all this occurs, so not so empty.