Childhood My parents wanted to kill me, struggling to deal

[Digz]

Today I had a new flashback. I was 10 and my abusive parents that always displayed hatred of me were discussing how they wanted to move to our new house without me. In front of me, they were discussing how they could kill me. They planned to drown me in an outdoor pool and pretend like it was an accident.
I am struggling to deal with this new memory. I can't believe they actually wanted to kill me.

 

[Sideways]

I'm so sorry that you experienced that, and that your parents were so shit. It must have been incredibly distressing to remember them saying that.

We don't get a say, as children, who gets to be our parents. But we do get a say, as adults, to put POS out of our lives. Because you deserve better.

 

[squeedle]

I am so very sorry. I was an unwanted child, and I have found some healing when I could realize that it wasn't ME they didn't want, it was the child they had that they didn't want. I repeat- the child they had, not you. It wasn't the glorious being that was/ is you that they rejected, They could never even see your beautiful essence. It was the parental responsibility and the maturity and humanity which they rejected. You were not at all flawed, they were. Let that be your new mantra.

It's like they say with alcoholics- you're not talking to the person, but the alcohol. They were at a level of sickness we don't even have the words for in our language to accurately express. Dysfunctional, sick, evil, decrepid, insane, defective, inadequate....none of them can describe it well enough. That is why it is so unbelievable for you. It IS absolutely beyond comprehension. In nature, animal mothers will risk their very lives for their offspring. That is the norm. Your particular parents completely failed you. That's on Them, not you.

Parental love is so core to a person's being. Lack of it leaves such a hole in the heart. I PRAY that you can find some peace with it. Bring it here whenever you need to. You aren't alone.

 

[Survivor3]

Are your parents still alive? I can't even imagine the sheer terror of experiencing that. I'm sorry.

 

[Tinyflame]

Wow @Vickster , thanks for your words.

I'm sorry @Digz .

 

[Digz]

Are your parents still alive? I can't even imagine the sheer terror of experiencing that. I'm sorry.

Yes, unfortunately they are still alive, living a good life. Life is unfair in that way, the good people tend to die young and the people like my parents live a long life.

Unfortunately for me I was the only girl, with two older brothers and it was the girl they didn't want. My mother saw me as 'competition' for my father's attention and my father (who is a psychopath) saw me as a toy to torture.

@Vickster - Thank you for your lovely words. You're right, my parents are very sick individuals, without empathy or conscience.

 

[Survivor3]

What's your support network like? Do you have friends/therapist?

 

[JGirl]

I am so sorry. That flashback must be incredibly painful for you. They are pieces of crap that didn't deserve to have you.

 

[Digz]

What's your support network like? Do you have friends/therapist?

I have my husband and 10 year old son that I live with. My husband is great. I do have a therapist also, I have an online appointment with him today. I moved away from where I grew up for obvious reasons and now live 300km give or take from where I saw my original therapist, but that is one good thing that has come out of covid. I live in a really small place so there's not much available to me here, but I can now connect to my old psych via video link so that's been really good.

 

[Survivor3]

That's great. You need a professional to help you deal with these feelings.

 

[Mach123]

I can’t say my mother wanted to kill me the way you did. But she sexualized me and that was a problem. She must’ve thought about it. Wanted to get rid of me or fix me so I wasn’t like that anymore or get rid of that part of me. I don’t think she hated me, I don’t hate her or her memory, she’s been passed away quite awhile now.
But I remembered that recently. That problem between us. I don’t know how else to say that. She had a big negative feeling about me, a fear. She wanted me to be ok but she knew I wasn’t. You can feel that. Anyway I understand somewhat.

 

[Digz]

The feelings my parents generally displayed towards me was a type of hatred and a disgust. It was unfortunately both my mother and my father. And then just for a bit of extra abuse, my mother used to semi-regularly deliver me to my grandfather (her father).
It is hard coming to terms with the idea that both your parents didn't really ever display love to you.
In talking with my therapist, he says that the older I got (I was about 10 in this memory) the more threat I likely posed to them, having been abused since birth. They were likely concerned with me telling someone or someone noticing. He also said that sadly it was probably not a stretch for the type of people they were and the type of torturous abuse they subjected me too, for them to contemplate killing me. He is right. They are pretty evil people. He says that in a way, just my existence would be a threat to them in their lifetime and I should consider that I kind of power that I have. It's hard to feel power in the context of these memories, but I understand where he is coming from and I do like the idea of having some power that I obviously never had as a kid.