Childhood My parents wanted to kill me, struggling to deal

Friday

Moderator
I am struggling to deal with this new memory. I can't believe they actually wanted to kill me.
Makes sense why it’s a new memory. You could understand and accept them hating you, but actually wanting you dead broke your world view.

Which is actually? Kind of f*cking awesome.

It speaks to an inner strength that drew a line between someone else’s opinion… and you. Hating you? Is an opinion. Killing you is an unacceptable action, that nooooooo one has the right to. Even if there were times you wished yourself dead, or took on board other people’s f*cked up opinions of you -including things like it would be better if you were dead- as sorrowful fact? You drew a line. That they were not allowed to cross. That’s some serious inner strength. Talking about killing you? Is right up on that line, but since you didn’t have to reconcile attempts on your life (at least not right then) the memory went into the discard pile to protect you.
I have my husband and 10 year old son that I live with
Bam. And there’s the cognitive dissonance that says why NOW? Your own thoughts and feelings and memories of yourself/the world/your family as a 10yo screeching discordantly wih being an adult TO a 10yo. And how YOUNG that is. And deserving of protection, not abuse, disgust, hatred, dismissal, neglect, death.

It’s like feedback from a microphone (I mistyped that as deedback, and kind of f*cking love it, mind blowing as a parent to see how YOUNG whatever age we remember ourselves as sooooooo much older).

The attempt to disqualify (cognitive distortion) ABC & rate our own lives as normal? Or bad BUT blah blah blah <<< and the mental emotional gymnastics that ensues to protect cognitive distortions and core beliefs from being challenged. >>> Runs face first into a brick wall, collapses with hands held over ears against the dissonance, when if someone did that to YOUR kid? What you’d do about that, today. Same you. Same ethos. Kills both the excuses and need for excuses, for others who did you wrong.

Ethos of you as a 10yo meets the ethos as the parent of a 10yo. Same you. But in mama bear, oh hell no!, mode. Creates a brief window where those core beliefs CAN be challenged. And voila. Here you go. The memories locked away to protect your world? No longer needed to protect your world. Challenged. By you.

Which sounds a helluva lot less of a mindf*ck than it is. It really is a mindf*ck. In kind of the best, rise above it, freedom & liberating way… that a TOTAL MINDf*ck can be.
 

Digz

MyPTSD Pro
@Friday , yes, it really is in so many ways kind of a healing process, being a mother and being able to love and protect your child in a way you never were. My grandfather who was abusive also recently died so I think that has acted as a trigger recently for memories coming back to me. But I agree, there is a kind of empowerment in being this other person who now protects and loves a 10 year old the way they should be. My therapist actually highlighted that in our last session too. Being a mother also makes you realise just how young you were at these ages developmentally and makes you realise how bad those adults must have been that hurt you and highlights that at such a young age you really can't be responsible for what adults choose to do to you. It's something I try to remind myself quite frequently and hope that one day my brain will be better able to hold onto those views and beliefs even when I am severely triggered. And it is so powerful when you come from a family where abuse has been cyclic through the generations to stand up and say, 'Oh hell no, this ends with me,' where other adults have not exhibited the strength and good character to do so. Thank you so much for your words, for everybody's words. This is why this forum is so valuable, giving the opportunity to talk to others who understand not only trauma but the up and down process of recovery and life after trauma.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I am so sorry you went through that. I am glad that you have a therapist and your husband and son. Being able to remember, talk about and start processing these memories is incredibly hard and shows the strength you have. And if you're like me, it may not feel like strength but from the outside looking in, I can see that strength in you.
 

Digz

MyPTSD Pro
I am so sorry you went through that. I am glad that you have a therapist and your husband and son. Being able to remember, talk about and start processing these memories is incredibly hard and shows the strength you have. And if you're like me, it may not feel like strength but from the outside looking in, I can see that strength in you.
Thank you. You're right, I often don't think of myself as strong, although other people that know what I have been through say I am. It's perhaps a common thing amongst survivors, because you often feel like you're breaking or falling apart, you don't think of yourself as strong, but I guess to others dealing with that and getting through it they see as strong.
Also, as an aside, I love you pup profile pic! What a cutie! Is that your dog?
 
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