Friday
Moderator
Makes sense why it’s a new memory. You could understand and accept them hating you, but actually wanting you dead broke your world view.I am struggling to deal with this new memory. I can't believe they actually wanted to kill me.
Which is actually? Kind of f*cking awesome.
It speaks to an inner strength that drew a line between someone else’s opinion… and you. Hating you? Is an opinion. Killing you is an unacceptable action, that nooooooo one has the right to. Even if there were times you wished yourself dead, or took on board other people’s f*cked up opinions of you -including things like it would be better if you were dead- as sorrowful fact? You drew a line. That they were not allowed to cross. That’s some serious inner strength. Talking about killing you? Is right up on that line, but since you didn’t have to reconcile attempts on your life (at least not right then) the memory went into the discard pile to protect you.
Bam. And there’s the cognitive dissonance that says why NOW? Your own thoughts and feelings and memories of yourself/the world/your family as a 10yo screeching discordantly wih being an adult TO a 10yo. And how YOUNG that is. And deserving of protection, not abuse, disgust, hatred, dismissal, neglect, death.I have my husband and 10 year old son that I live with
It’s like feedback from a microphone (I mistyped that as deedback, and kind of f*cking love it, mind blowing as a parent to see how YOUNG whatever age we remember ourselves as sooooooo much older).
The attempt to disqualify (cognitive distortion) ABC & rate our own lives as normal? Or bad BUT blah blah blah <<< and the mental emotional gymnastics that ensues to protect cognitive distortions and core beliefs from being challenged. >>> Runs face first into a brick wall, collapses with hands held over ears against the dissonance, when if someone did that to YOUR kid? What you’d do about that, today. Same you. Same ethos. Kills both the excuses and need for excuses, for others who did you wrong.
Ethos of you as a 10yo meets the ethos as the parent of a 10yo. Same you. But in mama bear, oh hell no!, mode. Creates a brief window where those core beliefs CAN be challenged. And voila. Here you go. The memories locked away to protect your world? No longer needed to protect your world. Challenged. By you.
Which sounds a helluva lot less of a mindf*ck than it is. It really is a mindf*ck. In kind of the best, rise above it, freedom & liberating way… that a TOTAL MINDf*ck can be.