Well that brought me to tears for the morning, it was so incredibly, absolutely EXACT and awakened the hope- a spark, that this is possible. Gosh I feel his love towards me, which is absolute and unwavering and do not, NOT feel it to be at all deserved. As in at all, Debbie. I do not meet my own eyes in the mirror. Oh, will look there, to make sure I'm in order so I'll fly under the radar when leaving the house ( although how I think I'm unobtrusive carrying that dam crop everywhere needs to be explained ). In point of fact will make sure i look better than good, since 'looks' to me are a tool I use so others have nothing (else) to dislike me for, as convoluted as that sounds. Compliments become deflected, not out of false humility, pooh-poohing them like 'Gosh guys, tell me more', but out of being horrified by them. TK was funny. She said something terribly kind about me, I tried to turn it around and deflect it and she just sort of stood her ground, the good, no-nonsense, kind person she is. She's also very, very bright and sees through things with great astuteness. Only a good, good friend would do that, as you have and Iams made a big point of doing.
It's a tough, tough thing, this self-worth. I used to think avoidance was the biggest hurdle but you're correct. Nothing is going to budge until one can meet one's eyes in the mirror in genuine recognition and acceptance, at least. It's probably why I can't budge the avoidance crap. I do not hold on to it out of some wierd hypochondria, either- it's being possesed of a core which isn't one. Knowing this intellectually yes, is now my responsibility to do something about. How. I do not know. I can't get to the T through not being able to drive at the moment but not being quite an idiot think there's a certain amount of work I should be able to accomplish myself. Honesty-nakedness is an awfully, awfully good place to start.
Thanks Debbie. As in for Real.
