Oh my...so much good information to process here. You are right ITL this thread has turned into such a healing one.
Anni, You are so incredibly brave to have shared all that. My heart goes out to you. Having to live thru such horror. And I bet people actually looked up to your scourge of an ex just because he was a doctor. You are strong and compassionate, even after all of that or maybe because of it? I am glad that you have Dave. You deserve a wonderful husband. Perhaps it is because you are safe now that you are ready to share. I'm glad you can, with Dave especially as it will create an intimacy and bond that cannot be broken. I agree that self worth, or should I say lack of, creates a belief that we don't deserve it, but you do, we all do.
So much time has been sacrificed, so much taken from us. To give our perpetrators anymore of ourselves and what can be has got to stop. The blame lies with them, not us. And to be able to voice that and have others validate that is so important in our healing. We have to come to a point of not just the head knowledge of knowing it was not and is not our fault, our hearts need to believe it.
I too cannot stand to see someone I love hurting, I would and do anything in my power to protect them. When someone I care about hurts me, I am able to forgive them. Yet, though I can do this for others, the idea of protecting and forgiving myself is alien. Nobody has to abuse me anymore, I have taken over that role. Changing those thought patterns is hard, but I don't believe it is impossible. Why go to therapy if I don't think it is possible to somehow see my own self worth? That I can forgive myself for the things I have done and realize that my mistakes don't define me, nor do the lies my perpetrators forced on me.
On the vicarious courage etc. Junebug, you are right. Sometimes we have to see that courage and anger others have for us in order to "learn" how to have it for ourselves. My T and I were talking about faith, I was sharing that I just can't seem to find it anymore, he told me to borrow his then. It sounds so ridiculous really, I mean how do you borrow someone else's faith, but you know, it gave me some modicum of peace and belief again and, for now, that is enough.
Again, so much information here. I really need to take time tomorrow to read it again. I just want to thank all of you for sharing. You ladies are such an encouragement to me
